Run

During my 7 mile race today, it was about 3 miles in.

People started passing me. I was running in the mountains with the high elevation. There was no guard rail as we ran around the bends and I felt like the centre of gravity was pulling me down, trying to collapse my legs and wanting me to fall, or something.

I have never felt such a lack of motivation during a race. A near-complete absence of desire to run. The giant hill came at the darkest time. As I slowed to a walk, I felt lightheaded. Surreal. I tried every trick in the book to bring my attention to the present, no luck. I reached the top of the hill at a tortoise pace and there was a water station. There was a truck and little cups of Gatorade and kids too young to drive. Had someone been there with a driver’s license, I would have asked for a ride back to the starting line, right there. But no one was there so I continued.

I’ve never felt this feeling during a race. Never so tired, so careless. But that’s not what really bothered me.

The truth is, I’ve never felt so lonely in my entire life.

This describes how I feel about myself at the moment, and the current weather conditions.

I feel like I’m all talk lately. Saying I will do something, then not doing it. Over and over and over and over and over again.

I hate this feeling. I am definitely not as disciplined as I once was. I don’t exactly envy the time when I was waking up every morning to run half an hour, and then only have an apple and a glass of soy milk for breakfast. That was extreme and it was bad.

But just in general. I am exhausted all the time, and I keep failing at my runs and I keep comparing myself to professional athletes.

2013 has really sucked so far. I know what I have to do. I just feel so fucking weak.

and I headed inside. My workout was supposed to be four 800s, followed by two miles. But it was 83 degrees outside and my race was 4 days ago. I feel like this is a really lame excuse, but seriously; I need to look at what I’ve accomplished and understand that I am very capable of finishing anything I want. Despite me covering my hip in Biofreeze, I felt a spark or two of pain during the run. Tomorrow is a scheduled rest day, and I will very much appreciate it.

I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but here goes: for the past month, I have been extremely stressed out about my school situation. I still don’t know what school I will be going to this fall. I have managed to narrow it down between two schools, but I’m still waiting for one of them to give me an admissions decision (I’m talking to you, App State!!!)

And I feel like, once I finally know what school I am going to, I’ll get out of this slump. Or whatever it is that I’m stuck in. I’ll be able to get up in the morning and be productive. Because every time I think about leaving home and moving to a new unexplored city in August, I feel motivated. Immediately.

I want to be the most efficient person possible when I start college. And for me, that starts with running.

I’m going to try for 2 to 3 miles tomorrow. This is good.

I did it.

And now I have a killer headache and have woken up to puke for two mornings in a row now.

Then, work called and said I don’t have to come in because of the weather. Bummer, because I need the money.

I hope everything is sorted out by the 3rd of February. That’s when my half training starts, and I cannot afford to start that off on the wrong foot.

and it feels right and normal. Finally.

That’s today’s run. Whatever pace, probably moderate.

I have not used my iPod while running for over a month, maybe longer. I am doing excellent without music – in fact, there have been runs where I asked myself, “Why did you think you ever needed music to run?”

So I’ve decided that on Fridays, I will run with my iPod. If I want to, that is.

See, I’ve always ran with music. So when I put those headphones on, and I start to run, it takes me down memory lane. In a good way.

I am just in awe that I was able to pull this off with such ease. It really makes me think… maybe I should set higher standards for myself.

Right now I’m training to be able to run a 10k. And I couldn’t help but think, at the end of this run, as I stood bent over and panting, that if I just ran 2.2 more miles, I’d be there!

Maybe… maybe Friday, I’ll try for 6 miles!

Sometimes I experience burnout. Mostly from doing nothing. But, surprisingly, the solution to burnout is to take a few days off and relax and mentally regroup myself.

In this case, running will not take place in any form or any distance until Monday. Lately I have not been myself. I feel physically run down (no pun intended) and I just need to take it easy.

I highly doubt my endurance is going to dramatically decrease from taking a week off. It may be a little harder in the beginning, but years of running don’t just vanish after a prolonged rest.

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t like taking breaks. They make me go crazy. But I need to listen to my body and my mind. And they’re telling me, “Seriously, you need to get your shit together before you can think about doing your running plan.”

I am going to take this time to do yoga every day and organize different parts of my life. Monday will come, I don’t have to do anything.