reinvent myself

I didn’t stop to take a break today at work and thus I was able to finish earlier than usual! I need to keep this up.

Also, Sunday night I got hypothermia at the golf course, but thankfully I told my boyfriend that I wanted to go home. By the next day I was fine. It hurt when I texted my I mom about having hypothermia, but she never texted me back. I’ve since realized that she could care less about me and I’m going to slowly break away from her and instead focus on Mike’s lovely mom and dad. I think for the most part that they’ll replace my parents.

I went on a depression and anxiety medication last Thursday. I worked yesterday (with P) and today (with R). I was able to open up to both of my co-workers, but especially with R. I think he and I could possibly be friends in tthe future. It doesn’t hurt that I think he’s.so.effin.HAWT, haha (makes me want to talk to him and enjoy going to work). I also was able to initiate making small talk with one of my bosses. The med has helped in lessening my anxiety to a degree, but I’ve mostly just been talking to co-workers who are chatty and I feel I can trust. I wish I had friends to hang out with while my boyfriend is at work or watching football so I’m not so bored all the time… hoping that in the future I will be able to make friends while I’m in college.

Tonight I’m hanging out with B and we’re going to be watching DVDs. I’m slowly talking to others more, like M’s and I’s landlord and a few of my co-workers. I don’t know if being a bubbly and outgoing person is “me” like I originally intended to have for this goal, but I guess that’s okay for now.

I got my eyebrow pierced yesterday and ever since my confidence has soared. I view it as I took a plunge and did something for me that I’ve been putting off awhile due to how people would judge me, etc etc. I was able to freely express myself and it gives me reason to be more myself around people that I know.

I’ve been at my job for a little over two weeks and I believe I heard a co-worker tell another co-worker that I always look mad. It’s not true that I’m always mad, just that I’m usually busy or lost in my thoughts. I also think my boyfriend’s best guy friend’s girlfriend (wow, that’s a mouthful!) thinks I’m mad as well… or stuck up or something. I guess I figured that if someone really wanted to talk to me, they’d take the initiative. It just saves me embarrassing myself and stuttering in the process. I’ve been going about it all wrong because I realized that I’m making very few friends this way and my public image is being soiled to boot. I think I’ll start off by saying hello to certain co-workers until I can feel comfortable enough to talk more. (Actually looking them all in the eye with confidence is another story.) I put a word in that my boyfriend would be willing to work again on Mondays and so I might be able to work with him sometimes; I think this will be a good thing! As far as my boyfriend’s best guy friend’s girlfriend, I don’t really know her much and as stupid as that seems, I just don’t open my mouth to talk to her really (also, she doesn’t usually talk to me). I’m sure she’s a really nice girl and I need to start talking to her. She’s into Grey’s Anatomy and owns all the seasons. I used to watch the show, so maybe that will be something to talk about, for starters.

I got a part-time job as a dishwasher at a restaurant on the 1st of this month. I’ll be working again today and it’s only my third day of work. I’m thinking of getting a second job or doing volunteer work.

This goal is coming along swimmingly, I think. I got myself an apartment and I’m moving into it on the 23rd. However, I’m “moving out” and into my boyfriend’s place for a week starting Thursday (tomorrow). I’m applying for jobs.

M and I became official this morning. I want to work at being the best girlfriend to him as I can.

Things that are different:
I’m dating a guy who is great and I want to tell him when I’m comfortable enough that I want to become official.

I volunteer at the library and have since May, although I haven’t done anything for this month I think because no one has asked for me to come volunteer.

I’ve gotten rid of my ex-boyfriend and all of his friends and girlfriend from my life. I’ve gotten rid of some undeserving so-called friends of my own.

Things that are the same:
My emotional maturity still isn’t there all the time. For example, if my mother or brother does or says something to tick me off, instead letting it slide off my shoulders I react in a negative way. I think this also encourages them because then they know this behavior can upset me every time. I’d love to become passive to a degree and not let things bother me so much.

I also am having a hard time trusting M completely, but in all honesty how can I trust anyone if I can’t completely trust myself?

I don’t live every day like it could be my last. I do want to live day by day, but that doesn’t mean I should just be lazy and let time pass me by, so I need to stop this behavior most of the time. I think laziness can be a good thing once in awhile, but just as long as I know when to buckle down and be responsible.

I have a mother and daughter on my Facebook that I know in real life though we aren’t friends. I went to the movies with them and my mother last October, and they seemed like cool enough people, but I usually keep to myself when I go to the college, and also I don’t want to make friends because I’m trying to focus on school. To make a long story short, I decided to wave at both the mother and daughter today, but they chose to ignore me; they saw me and had stone faces as they walked on by, and I could hear them talking in low voices about me. So, call it immature, but I deleted them both from Facebook because I deserve better than those kinds of two faced people in my life. (They’re both friends with my mother, I guess, and the mother to this girl has told my mother how pretty I am. They both are my Avon customers.)