Choose my own direction. And however much I may wobble in reaction to others, keep my direction steady.

Just be yourself.
You are wonderful.

I bought some non-leather shoes. Near&Dear pointed out the “vegan” earth shoes had cute little US flags stickers with the VERRRY tiny statement “DESIGNED IN USA” and, totally separated, in an out-of-the-way spot and in VERRRRRRRY small letters, “MADE IN CHINA.” AGH!

So do I continue to work for a company that promised me a written contract over two months ago and has yet to deliver? Do I continue to work for a company that is keeping me doing mundane tasks at less than $10/hour instead of the promised ability to actually make a percentage of profit based upon my performance? Do I continue to work for a company that has questionable ethical business practices—including some that I know, from when I worked for the employee’s union as a researcher, I know are illegal?

So … no. So now I’m again unemployed. SIGH

I quit my externship after being there a week. So that goal is a bust. Three hours a sleep a night for the final week of classes, burning my fingers every night, working and running on my feet for seven hours at fancy restaurant, not eating (I lost five pounds last week), worried about asking my sig-ot to pick up my slack with dog sitting, making christmas gifts, finishing up desserts and breads for the christmas family get-together, and one “discussion” with sub-boss made me realize that I have higher standards for what I demand of my externship than what he was willing to give. I’m apparently not meant for restaurant work if they’re all going to pull that “military culture” attitude. I know I’ve got a lot to learn, and it’s only three months, but … really. I have the previous place I volunteered to thank for thinking that it’s more important to work with people who offer respect for all individuals than to support at a place with a cause that might be aligned with my own belief system but treats their volunteers, clients and staff with little or no respect.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T … find out what it means to me (or something like that).

I’m not quite sure if it’s because I’m sensitive, or because I’m utterly clueless, but I really can’t handle being in a situation where normal behavior doesn’t involve treating others with respect. I’ve left several jobs because the people I worked with took great pleasure in being rude, mean, or petty. And I’ve had affirmations, I’ve tried to view the incidents objectively, and I wasn’t always the focus of the behavior, so I know it’s not just me. I just don’t suck it down or yell back. I quit. Life is too short and beautiful to deal with prickards. I know I don’t always communicate on the same level as everyone else, but I’m not going to “dumb down” my talk or be less than who I am—to me, that’s even more disrespectful. I try to model my behavior on the ideal that society is more important than the individual, but the individual has to contribute their full potential in order to advance society. Idealistic me, I know. I’m sure I would be sent off into space with all those people who sanitized telephone booth receivers.

I keep notes here and there that inspire, and yet clutter up space. I found this one today and it reminded me why I kept it at all. Although the story that led to it was disheartening, the words as they stand alone are fabulous. It was originally retrieved from Cary Tennis’ column on salon.com (link follows)

Creative people, take heart. Restrain your self-pity. You don’t have a choice. How else would you live? If you could conform, you already would have. Keep your eyes glistening and your intelligence white-hot (as Rumi advises). Nurture yourself with relations with like minded people, beware the impulse for self-medication, cultivate elders who have cut trail in front of you, mentor those coming behind you, and grow what the Mohawks call “seven thicknesses of skin” because you are going to need it. This is the way it has always been.

Betrayed and Wiser for it

http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2007/02/06/academic_betrayal/

from a book
‘I choose my own direction. I choose
my own direction. And however
much I may wobble in reaction to
others, my direction remains steady.
My direction remains steady.’