lose 15 pounds

I haven’t done anything about this. Well, switching my focus, i have started working to work, gone back to eating meals and am attempting to have more water. i am going to try to exercise this evening but i tried yesterday evening and got nowhere. we’ll see.

i’ve discovered that instead of losing 10 pounds I’ve gained 2. I’m sure that I have a fear of working out and of being successful and I don’t know why. I was hoping that a lot more people would be signed up here and that they’d have tips for how to get over this. It sucks. I have goals on my list that I am not approaching and it’s because of a fear so deep that I often don’t allow myself to feel it. I become obsessive about other peoples’ lives. Helping them. My life and my short comings and my inability to focus on myself and reach my goals is really hard for me. I have so much fear that only when I focus through meditation can I actually fear it. I’ve always thought I wanted success but here I am deathly afraid of it. I am afraid that if I truly live and am successful I’ll die or get a disease or get seriously hurt. I also don’t believe that success can happen. I don’t believe that people can really be happy. Though intellectually I understand these things subconsciously I have these other long held thoughts from my childhood. I think because I am releasing a lot of clutter that I can even feel anything or realize this. I will continue to declutter and see my life improve because of it. It should be said though, that i don’t have more than the average amount of clutter though… there’s no room full or room where you can’t see the floor jus the normal amount of cluttering clutter but releasing it seems to be helping. I’ll be doing more of that tonight.

Even though this goal is posted all over my apartment, I don’t feel like dooing it. I don’t feel like working out this morning. I just don’t want to work out this morning. I want to go do things for others. I want to go work and not in my field, I want to be on the computer reading unimportant emails, I want to eat but I dont’ want to work on one of my two most important goals for myself. I don’t know why I feel this way. But I figure I can just continue to write about my feelings and some how I’ll work through them. I have been working out for 15 minutes two times a week and I have been struggling with drinking all my water because I haven’t gone food shopping so I don’t always have all my water to start off properly in the morning. My son is suspended from school for bullying another kid. I can’t believe that. I need to call the principal and all these duties are waiting for me. I could have been back from my workout by now but I’m dallying, procrastinating. Why? Because I don’t feel like it. Even though I want a small waist and firm legs and to feel good about myself. I keep myself away from it somehow. Not getting enough rest has been a really big deal. It’s no wonder that my other goals are coming to fruition right now… I can’t get the simple things together. I’ve been overeating. I keep tellin myself that today can be a new day. I keep saying that I can just do 15 minutes a day and then I can build a regular routine that I can expand on but my thinking is standing in the way. For some reason, I don’t do thiings for myself. I’m going to keep challenging myself. I want to lose this 15 pounds. I need to do the things for my life and my goals first. Losing 15 pounds in Los Angeles will significantly change my quality of life and my self esteem. Having a thin waist and small thighs will make me more marketable, more datable, more confident and healthier, more optomistic and more energized and ultimately happier. I keep thinking if I get all that something horrible is just going to get in my way, stop me or hurt me. I guess that’s why I am stopping myself. I’m going to write everyday about why I am not exercising from now on. I’m going to go do some walking, running or bicycle, probably bicycle and stomache and waist exercises. Please let me begin to help myself towards my goals and to change my thinking.

That was fun.

I couldn’t work out again this morning. I woke up in plenty of time and just laid in bed thinking about crap. I set my timer to get myself out of the door and found myself unable to leave. I really don’t know what the problem is. I’m going to go now for 15 minutes but then, I’ll be late for work. Better than nothing though.

Whew, strange.

I haven’t done anything towards this goal this week. I wrote down, scheduled workouts for yesterday but when it came right down to it… i didn’t do any. I thought me and the neighbor were going to be work out partners but she never returns my phone call. She’s a flake. I don’t see anything happening tomorrow either. But you never know. I’d like to just do some strength exercises in my apartment, but we’ll see. Sometimes I really can’t rely on myself to follow through on anything. At least I can rely on myself to write this. I think I am going to look at peoples’ blogs on lose weight. They write a lot more and seem way more serious about weight loss. I think we’re light-weights because many of us only have to lose 15 pounds and so we’re not stressed. Though 15 pounds is a whole heck of a lots. I know it would change my life. That’s the one thing I can’t manage right now. I am focusing on the positive, drinking my water and eating good meals. Also, I am during that time, so I have to be easier on myself around that time, don’t you think? So… I’ll get there.

She was a very uptight whining wierdo, at least on the day we went to yoga. You’ve got to be really uptight to still be uptight after yoga. I tried not to notice but she kept complaining and yapping, she’s not easy going at all. I decided not to go with her again, she’s too…uptight and confused sorry to say. I’m very easy going so you really have to be extreme to be too intense for me… Oh, well! Hey, also, my neighbor in the building wants to work out together I want to see if we can work something out for tonight.

Peace you guys.

In 4 days. Wow, well 3 days, because once I did some strength exercises in my apartment. My procrastination really stands in the way and the timer doesn’t work sometimes because the desire to be comfortable in my bed is just too great… that and the fact that when i don’t get a good nights sleep i lose my exercise time. All I can do is try to do some in the morning tomorrow. I only have one appointment tomorrow so it would seem that i have plenty of time.

I’ve gained a little momentum by working out. I’ve learned two things, one, there’s not one reason for my not working out. I just have to set the timer on my procrastinating and go. Two, I really have deep procrastination that starts to negate my goal. Like right now, now that I’ve worked out. I don’t think of losing the 15 pounds. It’s almost like there is no goal. I”ve stopped working on spark and I do weigh myself and I do do my workouts but the goal of being 15 pounds lighter has escaped me. I haven’t been overeating though so I guess, well, I had 3 small packets of cheetos ( you know the lunch box ones) and I don’t even like those kinds of things but there wasn’t anything in the refrigerator but on the other hand … I’ve been having my 3 square meals a day with snacks so that’s good I guess and I’ve been writing on here, but not as much. I really want to connect with my goal.

I think one reason why i’m not connecting is because i am afraid of what my life might be like if I was 15 pounds lighter. I would look younger. I would feel really good about my body and waist and stomache. I would be body confident. I would have more power in my auditions and as an actress. maybe i am afraid of having more power or having a better life. what i want to be afraid of is not having power and not having a better life.

I just get up in the morning and get right in there even if my ipod isn’t charged. i start my timer because i realize that i’ve been procrastinating and i’m only going to give myself 5 minutes to stand around after i’m dressed and do absolutely nothing. the other thing that i do is go to bed wearing my workout gear which is probably a little gross but i don’t think it is and i can’t trust myself to change because its’ so cold in the morning and i’m too freezing to get out of bed. 3 days in a row! my stomache is goin down too I can see some ab muscles and i can see and feel my ribs a little bit on the sides, also, there’s a waist.. looks better still have the paunch in the front but i also have a workout partner!!! she contacted me out of the blue because we said we’d go together and i never followed up so now we’re going! yoga friday night and the stairs sunday morning! Fun! I hope…. I hope i don’t fail this in some way and end up pissing her off… Losing weight suddenly doesn’t seem that important to me.. i don’t know why… probably just some resistance and lack of focus.. oh, maxim magazine – there we go, it’s back! Happy workouts you guys!