Fall in love

I am close to accomplishing this. i have met someone that is special that regards me as special as well… we’ll see but from here it looks all good.

we’re going to really enjoy one another i’m sure. i look forward to seeing him.

I am close to accomplishing this. i have met someone that is special that regards me as special as well… we’ll see but from here it looks all good.

we’re going to really enjoy one another i’m sure. i look forward to seeing him.

but i’m not sure he feels it. I really love him and he’s going to be gone for an extended period of time working… wow, that’s strange … i want him though.

I wished he’d called. It’s been 4 days since I returned his call and he hasn’t returned my call. That’s so rude. I want to pluck him out of my life like a dirty dried up scab, never to be seen again. It hurts that he never bothered to return my phone call. It hurts. I think he must be seeing someone else or else i’m just not that important to him. i am going to never return his because he’s just going to be a source of pain.

It is my choice isn’t it? I can look on it positively. For example, i can look at this as an opportunity to be in acceptance. A day to love myself above all others. A day to give myself what I yearn from others. Right now, I wanted him to call and give me attention. To love me to entertain me and to be great and sexy in my life. He’s good at that, or is he? I do not have to be sad because he is ignoring me. I have choices, now what are they. I could be happy because I am seeing what kind of man he is before further involvement. That he isn’t misleading me, that my decision is being made for me, that i can just etch him out of my life by never returning his call by writing why this meant so much to me.

Good question. Why does attention from this man mean so much to me? He evoked the symbol of my dream man and he appeared to be available but he isn’t. I have to respect that. That exists and it is what it is. Maybe this is out of my reach. Maybe he is too good for me. I think he thinks he is too good for me and that’s why he hasn’t called. He’s a star and I’m a nobody and he doesn’t want to deal with a nobody. Maybe when I get more credits under my belt men won’t feel that way about me. Though I am beautiful and sexy,. Maybe I haven’t looked that good lately. When I get more money or combine with the god side of me more my divinity will show through more and i won’t have to worry about rejection from jerks liek him. and yes, this does hurt. rejection. maybe i need to remember not to approach any men first, like in this case because it never works out maybe it will work out in the end…. maybe maybe, maybe… i need to remember that right now i am great. i am healthy and with my son, that my home is pretty and clean, that good things are en route and that this is an appearance of evil where none exists. i have to name this pain of being ignored good because that is actually what it is. good. goodness. goodness from god.

why things are working out like this i don’t know but i know that they are good and that god is good for me allt he time and that he has a special plan for me that i know not of. i wanted to receive a phone call from him. i wanted him to plan to see me for coffee and i’ve heard nothing back. he didn’t even call to wish me friendly valentines day. and this is good.

I think I get it. This is just the first conversation! The first conversation. That means that nothing much is required. Politeness, friendliness. I don’t have to reveal my inner most secret desires. I called him back but had to leave a message and haven’t heard back again yet. It’s been a couple of days. Maybe tonight. The thing is I keep thinking about him. I know part of it is due to pms. The other part is that I lose balance when it comes to men I like. What is so wrong with me that I am so full of you? My question. I keep daydreaming about going places and talking to him. Is that normal? I lose interest in my life. My life can be really hard but I need to think through these difficulties rather than worry about these things. I am in pain and I am scared about things possibly going wrong financially for me. I need to think about and work that out rather than be concerned with him. I mean, he’s leaving soon anyway, no telling how long he’ll be gone but this doesn’t seem like its’ going to be some instant romance or that it’s really going to be given a chance. That’s hard to accept at some point but I really can accept it because it’s what he’s showing. He doesn’t want to be involved with me so he’s hesitating going out I think. In other words, he’s showing he’s not that interested and I just have to take it that way and wait till I find someone that really is, or until that person finds me. I need to be disturbed enough about his approach to put him on the back burner. I started not to call at all. I mean, I had the number, I could call at any time. Now I’m waiting at his beck and call. I’m going to scratch the idea of going out with him before he leaves. He’s not going to call in time to go out and I am just going to let it be what it is. If I don’t expect anything I won’t get hurt. If I’m not hurt than I won’t be taken off track.

I really don’t want to be off track and that means I have to control my emotions. I need more interest to converse with him further. Maybe I shouldn’t even go out with him at all. He’s obviously really cool. I need to think about this further. I don’t, no I won’t get caught up.

I don’t know what to say to him. I feel so uncomfortable. It seems he feels obligated. Like, he’s calling because he said he would not because he wants to. He also, wants to get together, from the message. it’s not like he wants to. i don’t want to call someone because they feel obligated. it’s really wierd. it’s really uncomfortable. i feel like letting him know that i’m not interested. the thing is that i have to test the waters. i have to find out the spirit in which he calls and if he really is interested in me. i should be casual like a friend i guess when i return the call and just see where it goes. this is really, really wierd and strange. i can’t tell where he’s coming from. he may even be gay. i’m not sure… this really sucks. i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, part of me doesn’t want to call him back at all… he says he’s leaving in a week and a half. more than that… he really turns me on and i connect with him in a strange way… i’ve been able to connect with that feeling up until now. i mean, i’ve never been wrong about it but this time… it seems that i have. what i really want is to say what’s up? why do you act like you have to talk to me but don’t want me? I feel like you’re not interested!

how do i deal with it? i’ve been asking myself this question and today i realized that what was missing from the equation was the weight of myself. like i’m not wonderful, how i look, how i sound, what it’s like when i smile, my figure, my work, my son, me…. if he can pass me up then how could i not realize that it isn’t a match and move on. After all, we don’t value the same things. I have to understand why i would so quickly give myself up as not good enough… that’s at the base of my sense of loss….i valued him more than i valued me… this isn’t a loss everything is as it’s supposed to be… as i do have tremendous value… something better must be headed my way….

I thought we had a shared connection and he’s never shown an interest, well he keeps saying he’s going to call me but he never does. It really hurts but it is what it is. I thought he felt like a soul mate and I’m never wrong about these things but he says he’s been really busy and that’s why he hasn’t called.

I know I have to give up because if he felt as I felt, he would have called me… it hurts but again, it is what it is.

I want to get to a point where I am really caring about myself and invested in my life and my comings and goings. i really need to have these things in my life before i invite people in. i’m working on it though, being in the play and getting my housekeeping down has really mad a dramatic effect in my life. Now all i need is to get my wardrobe and hair in tip top shape and then i’ll be set!

I’m not going to do this. Fall is the first word. I’m afraid to be in love. But then again, that’s why i wanted to have my house sooo clean… i wanted my man to see what a good housekeeper and cook i am. I am working towards those skills so that when my man comes to visit it is nice and organized around here and comfortable and pretty. That’s just one reason but it is a reason. I also want my son to have a beautiful home to live in . The other thing is that when I’ve fallen in love before people have disappointed me, they’ve hurt me or I’ve lost touch with myself and my goals. It’s hard not to let that happen but then again… I’ve had it when my man wasn’t a distraction but a support and a friend and an inspiration. THe guy that I have a crush on is an inspiration, he’s sooo feirce. Right now, i’m down on myself. I need to start another goal, raise my self esteem.

here’s what’s clear, the guy i like, i want to kiss him so badly but hes a serious person and he’s very serious about his work and he’s unavailable to me right now because he’s doing it. i’m going to see his work either tomorrow or next weekend and i don’t know if i’ll get to talk to him or if i do, if it’ll mean something… then again, he has my telephone number so he should call me if he really cares… if he likes me, if he doesn’t which is how it seems, though i really got a beautiful feeling when we spoke the last time, if he doesn’t than i should just move on. i have to love myself more.

maybe is should put it all in gods hands… then again, maybe god doesn’t have hands.