be more confident

I have run into something that is really testing my confidence. I feel supremely insecure and here’s why: I have met a new man who is interested in getting to know me. On some levels I don’t want him to know me. I am afraid of answering questions that are going to reveal who I am and I am rushing into liking him a lot to hide that. I need to ask him questions as well but I don’t want to because I don’t want him to ask me, that and the fact that I like to talk in person. I don’t have any hobbies that I’m great at – just my acting career. I don’t have any special awards for anything I’ve ever done. He is a pianist in addition to being an actor. That’s sad for me. There’s nothing special about me. I am aa single parent and that’s it.

I don’t know if confidence was the issue… but i guess it was. i believed i could get it because i worked so hard on it… i struggled to remember what serenas’ mom said but i left their thinking that a more beautiful girl got the role. I also know i’m talented. anyway, long story short. i knew i’d done my job and i got it. I think the thing that helped the most was this girl named sunny. we were both going over our lines and i just couldn’t do it anymore, i was so nervous… heart pounding, anxiety ridden mess meeting the producers of a csi…. finally we started talking and laughing and kidding around…. she helped me reach my goal… she got me out of my head… i went in with good spirits… i made a small mistake in the room and when i was done we howled over it… i did good things in there that day and i reached a goal… i haven’t booked any tv in over a year…. wow guys, thanks for putting all your feelings on this blog its’ helps to have a place to acknowledge my own.

She said that her mother always says, “those who doubt lose.” I will live the other way. Knowing I am going to win. Starting with todays auditon. I am going in for CSI NY and I am going to win. I have what it takes and I am going to give it to them because I have no doubt.

I just read my entry and I have to think. What’s my good reason for not having confidence? Do I have a hump on my back? Even then, that’s no reason. I’ve slept with people with humps on their back… they had enough confidence to charm the pants off of me…

I wonder about me sometimes. People always say I’m beautiful – so what’s my good reason? After trying to remember I realized. I have been acting for 8 years and I haven’t made as much progress as I would have liked to, as I dreamed. I’ve made progress though there’s no doubting that but not as much as some. That’s my reason for not having confidence. Which is ridiculous because you have to have confidence in order to get work in that industry which brings me right back round to square one – I need more confidence!!! There’s no reason why I don’t have more confidence. This week I am going to face all of my fears. I am going to look them square in the face and give them the finger. Fuck my fear. I am tired of being ruled by fear – it steals away my confidence. Makes me doubt myself and the world I live in. Makes me not want to live consciously. Fucck all that. I need to take time for myself. Taking care of my needs so that I can have the confidence of knowing that I”m all there, that things are being taken care of, answered to. That I’m a force to be reckoned with and I am. I’ve done a lot of good and I’ve made a lot of progress. I just don’t believe in it but you know what I can’t let that stop me because I may never believe in it. I just have to proceed as if I do.

I’m going to fake confidence starting today. Does anyone know how to do that?

I am really lacking in confidence… i can’t absorb the praise from other people because i don’t believe them or trust them. i need to start dressing up and really looking int he mirror everyday adn apporoving ofmyself instead of hoping for outside approval. i have a good reason for not feeling very confident but i have to ignore that reason, i have to believe in myself i have to look at the world around me and i have to pray