break my number one bad habit

Looking back on the entries beneath this goal, I can’t believe how long this has been on here…

What’s it going to take???

I seem to take a few steps forward and then twice that many back…

for what seems an eternity. I want to focus, but life gets in the way and I’m just so extremely overwhelmed right now. Sometimes I wish I could just call a time out on life. That’s what I need right now, is for the clock to stop turning…and just breathe.

Although they are completely unrelated, they are both results of one of the hardest times I’ve ever known. It has been almost twelve years ago. I remember coming home from work and my world, as I knew it, fell away from beneath my feet. My faith and God literally got me through. It’s as though I went to sleep for a very long time, and when I awoke, it was all over. For months I would work, come home, eat, sleep. And then one day it was different and I moved on. But while I was busy guarding my heart, I feel like some things were snatched away from me. I wasn’t totally oblivious, but my focus was on other things. If I had only known, I would have fought for it. But that is why this goal is here, as well as #4. I do have the desire to get them back, and it is mostly up to me. It’s pretty much a battle with self. So silly, but so very hard.

I’m angry at myself ~ why did I let it happen?

:-(

but neither have I really been trying. I’ve been focusing on other goals and I have so much going on right now that it’s hard to get away from this habit of mine. It is hanging over me all day, all the time. From the time I wake up, the war begins. When I go to sleep at night, I worry about it and hope that it won’t be there when I wake back up. I was given several suggestions by someone that might help me. However, they told me it would take up to six months to see the light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, it would be nothing short of a battle that I would have to fight all over again every day. I wish I hadn’t let myself get to this point, but that was years ago. Time is the one thing that you cannot change. I wish I could give myself a “start” and “end” date to this goal, but I’m afraid to even put a time frame on it. Afraid I can’t do it. Afraid of failing at it. Afraid of disappointing myself. I’ve done that before many times and it takes something out of me each time I don’t follow through. I don’t know…

I’m struggling with this one.

and I’m still here, in the same place, facing the same boo-boo…

I’m not really sure how to go about breaking a really bad habit that has its roots firmly grounded in something that happened ten years ago. These roots are now very deep and extremely strong – I can’t just yank them up and move on. It’s all a very much “in my head” kind of thing. Which actually makes it that much harder.

:-( This is going to have to be a major focus for 2011.

In some ways it was a better day than those that I was having about two weeks ago, before I started being vigilant with this.

However, I fell back some today. I do not know what it’s going to take ~ it is very upsetting. I feel like I have let myself down…

I am praying for a better tomorrow.

one time today (instead of four).

Progress

But I will not fool myself ~ because I know it’s not over until it’s over.

and have gotten somewhat better about it.

However, that is not my real bad habit. The one that keeps me from pushing ahead with far bigger things. The one that greets me each morning and says goodnight to me as I lay down. Sometimes I feel that it is simply bigger than me, and therefore impossible. Not a criminal thing, but a very self-destructive thing. A part of me that is left over from another lifetime ago, because that is when it started.

It is a huge obstacle. And I face it every day.

I have conquered bad habit #1, so now I am moving right along…

I am determined to overcome Bad Habit #2 ~ Popping My Knuckles! I do this ALL the time. It is very annoying even to myself. It also makes your knuckles bigger, which is not attractive. So, this must be stopped. I am going to give myself another three weeks for this habit, as I did my first one. I’m not sure how to work against this one, though. I think I will start with trying to make my hands prettier ~ painting my nails, using lotion, etc. Maybe that will derail the destructive habit, I don’t know. We’ll see!