get over my social phobia

i hardly ever leave the house except to see my ex boyfriend and to go to therapy.. right now i’m hiding in a back room at my mom’s birthday party in mass and the rise and fall of voices and all the small talk and these two kids running around playing hide and seek and channing “1,2,3,4, i wanna thumb wrestle!” it’s all too much right now. my sister and i were supposed to leave at like 430, then it got moved to 5 and then 530. it sucks that while planning for her party my mom had to make sure there was a place for me to excape to and i had to make sure i had people to call if i had a panic attack. i wanna just be able to go to parties with out worrying about that stuff. plus being a recluse is giving me wicked computer back…

my friend asked me to do a photoshoot for their band in two days and i said yes even though i dont know anyone else in the band and i’ve never done a photoshoot with people in it before…only flowers and such.. so i sucked up all my nervousness and pride and i asked a photographer on myspace that i hardly know for some advice. hopefully he’ll get back to me before thursday and i’ll be a bit more prepared for this.

if you’re interested in the pictures, my photography page is http://www.myspace.com/ellenhartphotography

to finally go shopping for myself with my own money. my dad was with me for half of it but the whole time i was practically bunched up in a ball, my sholders were up to my ears and my elbows were tucked in as far as they could go. i had a horrible headache and i almost fell asleep on the ride home from the adrenaline. but i did it, and i said good afternoon to the cashier and i didn’t panic. my dad and my boyfriend both said i did really well and they were proud of me. :) i call today a win.

i start therapy again in a week, yay!

a substitute for celexa and let me tell you, its amazing. it doesnt help at all with the one or two panic attacks i get weekly, but my everyday life has gotten so much easier. i dont mind little social interactions anymore. i went to a family easter dinner today and i only got a little sick haha. but i was able to have conversations and stay for a few hours. i actually had a good time. it’s only going to get better with time with weekly talk therapy to help. yay for being happy on a daily basis1 it’s an amazing feeling :)

...she’s leaving for boot camp in about 2 days and i couldn’t make it to her party because i was afraid of being in that small house with about 40 people. i just stayed home by myself and read and then felt really bad about myself… this sucks.

and i think it’ll help a lot, but in the meantime i still can’t get out of my house for anything more then seeing a few friends in a familiar setting. my boyfriend doesn’t understand why i sometimes dont want to go out or why most of our friends make me uncomfortable and he expects me to just tough it out and get over my phobia. i have a session on monday and i can’t wait.