Hell is here on earth..... — 2 years ago
..... I want to believe that Heaven is a place of peace, love, and happiness. A place where we will be reunited with our loved ones, we can hold them and know that we will never be apart again.
Before I get lectured on the religious aspect of God and prayer, I just want to indulge myself in how I want heaven to be. I know that God is taking care of things his way and I am not trying to interfere. (as if I could)!!
Ever since my son died I look up into the sky and try to picture him there. Sometimes I see him there with my parents and they are taking care of him. My mother never got to hold Paul here, so for nearly the past six years she has been able to. There really is comfort in that thought.
Knowing Paul though, after the mushy stuff with his grandparents, he is jamming with Stevie Ray, Jimi Hendrix, and he knows, who else. He is playing baseball with the greats, and taping and watching basketball games too. He is throwing parties and he is the official DJ at these parties. He is not cleaning up after himself and is probably still a slob.
You know what? Paul already did those things here (well not with Hendrix and Stevie or play ball with the greats). Paul was Peter Pan, he never did grow up maybe because he knew that his time here would be short. He enjoyed his life as reckless as it was. These facts do not make me happy, in fact, they make me angry. Paul did not take care of himself and his diabetes.
This whole entry went in another direction from where I first intended it to be. So I wonder where it leaves me. Wondering whether this is my hell, here on earth, but wait, Paul was the diabetic!!?? Or is it my wish that my life in the everafter will be my chance to do the things that I want. What is it that I want? I think it is just to be with Paul, I miss him so much. That time will come, but for now I still have my other son, Jeff, to live for.
I read this over again and i suppose I should apologize for being so depressing, but then maybe not, it is how I feel.
