post randomly

We are threads. We have been cut before our time was even here. Our length… well we can shorten it, or lengthen it through choice, but not by that much. It is what it is suppose to be, for the most part.

We are a tapestry. Our threads make that tapestry. We are intertwined, we are woven in and out and around all the other threads and affect those other threads as they affect us.

We leave our fibers on these threads we’ve intertwined with, leaving the other forever changed in someway. We affect and influence others as they affect and influence even more. Our impact is not immediate sometimes, and can and will impact others… from others… from others. But always our impact is right.

Points are made in this tapestry that our thread must travel as we must impact others. This is not our choice, but it is necessary to help build the beauty of the whole. Of this there is no choice as it is to support other threads. For without our thread traveling there, the tapestry is not as strong nor complete.

Through these points and through who we are intertwined with it is our choice on how vibrant we are or how dark. Do we stand and shine above and be seen highlighting, are we on the underside supporting, or are we dark and deep; this is our choice. It is our choice on how strong we are, bendable, malleable, how fragile or vitreous we appear. It is our choice.

Our colors affect. There is action and reaction in this. All colors are necessary. We all fit. Our threads compliment and contrast. There is none that is wrong as it makes the whole.

Our strengths affect. Again, there is action and reaction in this. All strengths are necessary. We all fit. Our strengths bring others up or push them down. Direct and divert. Again., there is none that is wrong as it makes us as a whole.

Threads are not just the other threads you’ve been intertwined with for a duration, but there are some threads which pass by directing your thread a different direction than the path the thread was on. This is not by choice, but by design. It is the time of life that life takes such a dramatic change and you move onward, just a different course from before. And then… and then… there are threads that come in and out of your own path, again, for a reason.

Some threads will always stay and be associated with yours. This is family. Some threads will stay for an eternity, intertwine and direct, these are the friends who become family. Some threads are for a certain duration and these are the friends. And then some threads will brush by one day and you’ll never intertwine again. All are for a purpose, to direct, influence and divert.

Our choices; color and strength; affect. We are brought together minimally by choice. How we chose to affect those around us is our choice. And to a point we, our own threads in such a large masterpiece are able to divert, lengthen, shorten and change ourselves and of those around us. We are just a small bit of the tapestry.

I just finished my last weekend out for a bit, I need some down time. I feel like I’ve been reliving my early 20’s… didn’t get a chance to do that then, so I get to do it now. A bit of craziness, a lot of laughter, and a ton o fun. Wholly buckets, when I look at pictures and read my journal from August until today I’ve been giving her pretty good. Here and there and everywhere else. Busy is good… now I plan some different business. It is time to throttle back just a bit.

I’m going to do a mural and that will take some time, this will be fun. I am also going to fit in a ton o painting for myself. This is good too! Photography, music, art. That’s what January will be for me.

We just had an ice storm and I went out to take pictures. I am disappointed in the pictures that I took as my D80 and I seem to be having an argument of sorts… you know the one of what it is going to focus in on. My Sony and Kodak did a better job than the Nikon did. I have no idea why.

I’m thinking of getting a part time job. Maybe. With a chaotic work schedule it is a bit difficult to completely commit to something else.

Boys… huh. I’ve had a couple that have been interested and then I shut them down. Must mean I’m not ready to even date. But I’m thinking that that is near. But still I walk away quickly from those interested… any closeness or continuation of what could be, or headed that way… I’ll intentionally take it off of that path. Just call me sabotage Cathie. I need to have patience with myself.

I love being random right now. Random thoughts, random words, random deeds. It is fantastic. I have random friends in so many different circles, thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and I love them all. I think I will go through life randomly. I like it.

Happiness is part of me. I was being goofy last night. Dancing and laughing and just being me. Someone said, “I wish I could have that happiness” and really it comes from within. It made me sad for him as it made me feel that he was so alone. I cannot change attitude in a person, but I can encourage a change.

I’m not going to make this my mission. I’m going to take an interest though.

Patience is what I need. I need more patience with other people. I have a tendency to go straight from A-Z in my thoughts and not recite each letter of the alphabet. I need to be okay with people who do go through each step and work it out…

Coming home reminds me of why I love it here and why I left… wanted to leave. Missouri has a lot to offer in the way of beauty in both the populated and the rural areas. This is where I grew up, but not where I choose to live.

I love my family and spending time with my nephews and niece, sister and mother has been nice.

My oil was changed at the Express Lube off of 21. Jamie and I had talked of going to Pogolino’s with mom for dinner. Coincidentally the owner of the Express Lube was talking to me and I told him that my mom taught here for 35 years and that my daddy owned the dime store on main street for nearly 40 years. As the conversation went on he told me to eat at his restaurant… yep it was Pogolino’s.

That brought back all sorts of memories. I remember my sister closest in age and my two oldest nephews walking down Fletcher hill and eating there. I remember meeting up with Ryan Shelly and Shawn and cleaning Pogolino’s parking lot for pizza that the Express Lube/Restaurantor would make us and then he would give us quarters for games. The owner doesn’t seem that much older than me today as he did way back when.

Ryan died in high school. I never said good bye. This was by choice as I am not good at saying good bye in such a final way. I’m sorry for that. He was so young and it was so unfair. Cancer is a nasty beast.

It amazes me when I see people from my childhood and how much they have changed. I ran into an acquaintance at Pogolino’s. He had flown in from where ever he is living now. From high school to now, when did we grow up? 16 years really changes a person!

Back woods Washington County… severely removed from all of my devices that keep me current and plugged into the world. No high speed internet, we’ve got 28K dial up. Sporadic phone signal that causes me to lose reception frequently and my phone to hiccup in processes. So the Christmas message that I sent out some got three, some got none. So I’ll tell my friends that got multiple greetings, “Multiple Greetings to you! You must be multiply special!” and for those that got none, I now wish you a Merry Christmas and may peace, joy and love be with you.

For the many, many people that sent me tidings… thank you! My phone lost it’s signal around 9:45am on Christmas so I got them when I drove into town it was like an avalanche of beeps and songs when I would top the hills on 21. Ya’ll made me grin!

Mom and I drove around all over Jefferson County on Christmas and I took pictures, a ton of pictures. The ice coming from the underwater creeks, creating those magnificent ice cycles, childhood haunts, creeks and the mighty Mississippi. I took mom to the Mississippi just north of Pevely to see if we would see some eagles. We saw two. Both of them too far away to get a good picture, but I got two that I like… somewhat.

We went to Walther’s park, where Joachim Creek runs. I stalked a Great Blue Heron throughout the park. I took pictures of where we put dad’s ashes in the creek. All the trees are so naked this time of year and so limby. So grey and mono tone. So, well, I guess, dead. But again, I got some pictures that I like very much.

Laughter comes so much more easily now, I’m not constrained and restrained. The anal retentiveness and control freak ways that I’m known for is fading away. Christmas had every potential to just be a royal mess for me, it is the first year in 15 that I’ve not spent with the formal traditions. In some ways this was a relief, in others I miss it. The huge home cooked meals, and all the commotion and laughter. Yeah, I miss that. I did not miss the stress of it though. I did enjoy watching my niece and nephews open their gifts and watching Jamie being so diligent in getting everything just so for them. A bit different, but not bad.

All in all a good way to end my year… family for Christmas and friends for New Years!

and my cat… and my land… and the deer… and where I buried my dad’s ashes…

Okay, this is randomly random. I have so many thoughts running through my head and seemingly sparse direction… Ranting ahead…

I feel like a spoiled brat… because I want so much and I WANT IT NOW! I want my addition to the house, I want my debts paid, I want to do well at my job, I want to perfect my current artistic endeavour, I want to stay close to my family and friends.

So to keep me from feeling like a brat, I remember: I am loyal, I strive to do my best, I try not to be tempted.

But in the end I’m faced with my inperfections, my quirks, my indulgences. And I know I always should realize that these last three things make me more of who I am than everything before. I am imperfect…

And isn’t there a perfecting quality in that realization? To accept my faults as what it makes me to be? To know that I am human and am imperfect.

I cannot qualify trying to do everything perfectly but failing by an inch in completion. I should not look too harshly at myself when I cannot do what I expect of myself all the time every time.

So where do I put my level of acceptance for myself. Do I continuously allow myself to find my short comings okay, or do I continue to strive for that all important 100% of everything.

I think, sometimes, I don’t even attempt because I’ll be at 90%.

Aw heck… if I shoot for the moon and miss… at least I’ll land in the stars.

I didn’t get along with my father as a daughter should get along with their father. We were way too much alike. But, dear God, I miss him.

I wonder what life would have been like should he have been lucid and alive today. Would he have give me the advice and encouragement I now realize he as my champion had given me when he was alive? I think so… I know so.

No we didn’t get along… our arguments were loud, obnoxious, and legendary. But I realize now that those arguments were filled with his push to get me to think and stand for myself. He taught me that in his own way, and it has taken me years to realize it.

I just finished a book in which the daughter loses her father at a young age as I did. The father looks down on her and smiles on how he raised her and did a better job than he thought possible. But the proof was in the daughter and her ethicallness and (not) physical beauty.

I wonder if my father is looking down on me and thinking the same thing?

and quite frankly I don’t know what to do with it. Ha.

I think that I’ve gotten so use to chaos that it was the norm. This past month has been stress free, as much as life can be. I’m starting to do things I use to… bunco, computer time, friends.

I’ve somewhat disconnected with my mother and one of my sisters. That’s taken chaos out and left an emptiness.

My husband is supportive as ever and I’m so thankful for him. My friends are here, and of course my neices and nephews which I love so very much.

Life is good…

You know…. I love the refridgerator light. It is so dependable and useful. Really, stop to think… the most reliable thing in your house? The refridgerator light. Random thought as I opened the fridge this evening for the wine… ya… gotta love that light!

There are times in life that the reason for living becomes crystal clear. Nothing large, just accumulating reasons that show a person that this is life and this is why they’re here. Good and bad alike.

Sometimes we walk away from things that are painful and are changed forever because of them. Sometimes those painful situations we take our path from is the path that is needed to take to the next chapter in our life. Many times that abrupt change in paths doesn’t make sense at the time.

I’m done with change… thank you very much. My father passed in 2004. Six months later we had the children, which was as sweet as it was tragic. Seventeen months after we had the children, they left. Three months after that I got a job because I could not remain here all day long remembering. That job has given me challenge with each promotion and very little time to do other things.

My job is amazing. I help people every day. It is rewarding, of that there is no doubt. I enjoy my co-workers. The drive is tedious, especially in winter. That winter drive is when my Jeep thinks it’s okay to do piroettes in front of oncoming traffic. That is why I’ll start working from home soon.

I had a profile done on me to help me better perform at my job. I am emotions and opinions with a high dose of thoughts. I’ve never thought myself strongly opinionated, in fact, I’d argue all night long that I wasn’t (tounge in cheek).

I miss this outlet. No promises, but hopefully soon, with more time in my schedule, I’ll be a bit more regular here. Maybe. The cheer goblin really ticked me off and I’m holding a grudge… maybe.

I miss ya’ll…

Todd… how do you know? really, how do you know? I open my mail box and there it is… a smile in the form of a greeting when I need it most?

Now, to let ya’ll know, these come most unexpectedly at times when I’m at my worst.

Mother’s day, yep tough… there’s Todd’s unique and beloved handwriting wishing me happy…

Tough week at work? Best friend getting married… me really REALLY stressed? Yes, I tell you, there is a post card from Todd.

Todd… I love you.