Heal

Life… where to start. It is what it is and I think that we go with it. Only standing up to it when necessary, because it is the river that takes us to the place in the future that we are suppose to be. Who’s to deny that.

I had a good friend tell me that if I didn’t write that she would shoot me. So Steph… I am writing. If it goes anywhere for me then that’s good, if not, maybe I’m better off for it.

Singleness. Different. Something I’ve never experienced as an adult. I’ve got it now and don’t know sometimes what to do with it. My eldest sister reminds me that all is not finalized, well, it is here. And if I didn’t deal with singleness after 15 years now, when will I deal with it… then, in the future? I don’t think so. I want to hit this one head on and be done with it. It’s not comfortable, but this is the most amazing time in my life, second to being a mother, that I’ll ever experience.

Just as when the ‘system’ gave the kiddo’s back to their natural mother, away from the home that was theirs with me for almost 2 years, I’m glad I experienced it. Because if I had not experienced it, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I had the experience, and in a lot of ways that is enough and in a lot of ways it’s not.

Maine. Wow. I didn’t want to leave for so many reasons, some realized, some not. I was talking to my nephew about why I wasn’t finished there. He put it quite simply. There was not judgment or expectation to be something that I’m not. And really, that is right. I was not the doctor’s wife, or former wife, I was not the brainiac at work. No one cared about pedigree or who or what or your connections. I was me. Just me. And that was amazing.

I’m going back. I have to. Maine is good for me. When work and my lovely schedule at work allows it, I’ll be there. Somewhere I forgot how important it was to be around someone who knew you since babyhood, in fact shared a crib with you before you could even roll over. And really, what did we do as infants, but stare at each other and think, “you’re a baby too”, and did that mean anything to today?

I love my nephew, and I love and adore his wife. She is amazing and exactly perfectly imperfect. Or perfectly imperfect… she’s awesome.

I got the idea on Thursday of last week on getting a tattoo to mark the here and now. I just couldn’t find someone who wasn’t booked. Bryan came up with Infinity Tattoo’s in Standish and I connected with Jeff. Got myself a butterfly and am glad of it as it is metamorphosis… something to accurately mark my place in life for the now.

It is nice to have my studio back. I’m glad that he allowed me to have my supplies. Ya, can you see the eye roll? It’s been a long time, 5 months is a long time not to paint… Grant it I don’t have everything, but I have my easel, some canvases, paints… that’s enough to create. I’m happy with that.

At least I have two of my cameras… I’m wondering if I’ll get the other two? I wonder if my mom will give me my dad’s as she offered when he passed away.

It’s odd, in a good way, not to have the future mapped out. Really, this is the time that I make my own future for me and me alone. Scary and exhilarating and amazing. I’m thinking I’ll go back to college, invest some in me.

It’s a time where nothing is wrong in what I do, as everything is absolutely what I need to do. It is time to realize that everything has it’s purpose and that the people that I meet and things that I do are right. If I stumble and fall so be it, if I take off and fly, well then all the better.

I’m excited for my future. My future is only what I make it to be, and I’ve never been not up to a challenge. I’m of a mindset tonight of, “Screw the past and bless the future”.

have been adopted, or at least headed that way. Not in the greatest of moods. And for once, I’ll say life flipping sucks. I’m scanning my paintings in and brooding…

Yeah, life is NOT sunshine today, or yesterday, probably not tomorrow, though Monday is looking like it might have possibilities, though, I’m not sure.

We sold the crib. It is gone, as are the wall hangings. I’ve not quite brought myself to pack away the left blanket or the extra clothes. I’ve given away plenty (clothes, a portable dvd player, etc.) and now I think it is time to walk.

We were promised that we would have regular contact with the kiddo’s. It hasn’t happened, nor is it likely to.

I’ve asked my friends to come in my house, the hubbies office, to remove the last of the colored wall hangings, pictures, kid dust. I can’t quite do it myself. But as we steam roll into them being gone for 8 months, it is time.

Hubby and I need to live life again. We both threw ourselves into business/work, which, of course, has benefits. But it is time moreso now than ever to pick up our threads and say good-bye to what was. It’s never going to be what it was then, only what it should be now.

We pray for them. To be watched over, to be loved, to grow into the fantastic adults we know they can be. We love them tremendously, but there comes a time when we have to be something other than what we built our lives around for those two years. We cannot live in the past, rather we have to confront it and move beyond it into the future.

The kiddo’s no longer haunt my dreams. I no longer think I hear them running up and down the stairs, or the little laugh here and there. When I turn on the TV it no longer automatically goes to Disney or other cartoons.

We’re not putting a Christmas tree up this year. There really isn’t a reason without presents underneath it. Instead we’ll by a decorative bush that has the shape of a tree and decorate that then plant it in the spring.

I’m busy, frighteningly so as two jobs = 80+ hours a week. But working is by far better than sitting here miserable. My co-workers at both jobs are phenominal, even though very little detail is given about what I’ve experienced. Just that I experienced it.

I’ve started painting again… at least painting and showing it as it has again become something of beauty and somewhat structured.

I’m ready to pick up the reigns of my life and see where it takes me. Now… just to do it. And I will do it.