be a better mom

M’s 2 now and understanding more and more. I’m trying to learn to stick to a consistent sort of discipline with her. Fortunately, she’s a relatively easy-going kid, but we still have our moments throughout the day. :)

I’m finding it challenging to find disciplinary tactics that are suitable for her age and still meet the requirement that the punishment should logically follow the crime.

I’m so lost. I have opinions, ideas, and philosophies, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty details of day-to-day life, I am completely clueless as to how to apply them.

For example, she will occasionally get upset and throw her food – across the table, at me, on the floor, whatever.

Do I make her get down from her chair and clean it up? Age-wise, she’s capable of doing this, but does she understand it as a negative consequence to what she did?

Do I say “well, too bad, no more dinner, since your dinner’s now on the floor” and that’s it? It seems a fitting consequence to the action, but can she understand it at 2? And if I do this, and 20 mins later she asks for a “snack,” what then?

Argh. Nobody told me that at 2 years into being a mother, I’d be looking back to 47 breasfed poop diapers a day, inexplicable screaming for an hour at night, and never ever having two hands to do anything at all, and thinking that THIS is much, much harder.

(Something I’ll need to remind myself in a few months when I actually am changing diapers, dealing with infant screaming, and holding a baby 24 hours a day, heheh.)

I was a crappy, terrible, awful mother today. I did just about everything that a mom (well, a regular, non-crack-smoking mom) should absolutely not do.

I was unbelievably tired, I felt sick, I was hurt and angry with G for something that had happened the day before, I had other worries on my mind that I couldn’t put away for the day, I had no energy, blah blah blah, none of it matters one bit except for the fact that it all came down on poor little M.

The only thing I can say I did at least partially right was to call G in for occasional consults (frankly, it would’ve been smarter to just call another mommy-friend for not only advice but support and sympathy, but that could be the anger at G, see above, talking).

I knew my brain just wasn’t functioning properly and I wasn’t dealing with anything logically or calmly, so I’d holler to him and take a few minutes of his time to get his more clear-headed advice on how to handle various situations (eg. watching her sit on the potty for ages without doing anything, not that I didn’t appreciate the time to just sit and not do anything, but then her having a meltdown at the mere mention of getting a diaper on and doing anything else, or agreeing to get the diaper on and then having a meltdown because she needed to “pee pee first.”).

But really… okay, so in those moments I didn’t yell or scream or say ridiculous things I’d regret later, bully for me. But I’d lower my head (if it wasn’t already lowered from exhaustion), close my eyes, rub my temples, take deep breaths, not talk for long moments, and then call in G to either deal with it or tell me how to… hello, it’s not as if she didn’t clue in to what was going on.

I’m not dramatic enough to say I did lifelong damage to her today, but it’ll take me awhile to get over the guilt of my parenting behaviour today.

One of my main weaknesses as a parent is saying things without thinking. For one thing, I say “no” way more than I should, not in a mean way, but the word just comes out all the time, and it’s so negative and limiting, not to mention that when I really mean the “no,” it’s less effective.

Also, I’ll blurt out “rules” without thinking about how I’ll follow through if she doesn’t listen, or if the rule really makes sense for her developmental level, for my personality, for the world. Again, this makes my real rules kind of silly.

I do lose my patience now and then, and in those moments I don’t really say terrible things I regret, but I just put my impatience and frustration before all else, including what’s best for her, and it’s likely very confusing for her. On the bright side, I think it’s somewhat infrequent, and as I’m learning, NOBODY is perfect, especially in the realm of parenting, and M will survive my speaking unnecessarily sharply to her once in awhile, so long as the rest of the time, I’m patient and loving.

I overthink things. I read too many articles, books, and “expert” opinions and try to take them on as my own, rather than honouring my own personality and trying to work with it. I end up with virtually no parenting philosophy as a foundation for my everyday behaviour, and I flounder too much.

I’m slow to adapt to the rapid changes in her. I find I’m always one step behind, and it takes me awhile to realise that she’s at the next stage of development and I need to adjust accordingly.

Today, when M and I were making gifts for Father’s Day, and she insisted that Daddy be spelled “Ddady” with both lowercase d’s upside down (meaning it was actually Dpapy), I smothered my anal-retentive self, the one that wanted to take out my ruler, measure the paper, measure the letters, and make sure they were all equally spaced apart and in the EXACT centre of the paper, the one that wanted to send her to read a book while I stuck the letters on, not to mention coloured it, glued on the pompoms in a carefully-planned pattern in order for it to appear totally random…. I smothered that part of me and just let her go for it.

As expected, it is a gajillion times better her way, with the Dpapy, with the pompoms in only red and brown all crowded to one side of the page, with excess glue smeared everywhere just because she likes glue, with the foam bits glued only above the letters for some reason, and the glitter stars only below, with the animal stickers stuck in the corner, and with the page a bit crumpled and dirty… It’s an absolutely breathtaking work of art, and he’s going to love it. :)

I’m trying to learn to not impose my sense of world order on M. Fortunately it’s not too hard when she’s only 18 months old – if she says the random-looking green scribble on the paper is Grandpa, then, well, it obviously IS.

When she deems the proper use of a sheet of stickers isn’t, as Mommy would do herself, stuck neatly on a sheet of paper, but instead layered 10 deep on her own shirt, I can respect that!

• spend more of my day ignoring the clocks and working on toddler time (eg. of course putting on shoes takes 37 mins… doesn’t that make perfect sense??)
• stop every day and just look at her, because when I do so it’s impossible not to be reminded how lucky I am
• RELAX
• read more Penelope Leach
• talk with other moms, the supportive, genuine, wonderful kind in particular
• unsub from mailing lists designed for parenting styles that I wish I had (but don’t), because they just make me feel crappy.

Just changed this goal from “be a great mom” to “be a better mom.”

I think a lot of my trouble comes from expecting perfection, expecting everything, including my performance as a mother, to be just exactly so. I’ll never meet my expectations, so I’m changing the wording of this to be a little more forgiving.

So now that the goal doesn’t sound so daunting, maybe it will inspire me in a happier, more cheerful way.

The popular things around here seem to be screaming, yelling, hollering, shrieking, hollering, and anything else that’s as loud as possible.

I’d like it to stop, but nothing I try is working. I’ve tried EVERYTHING.

But as usual, I must second-guess myself, so now I’m at the point where I wonder if I should even be trying to stop it. Am I trying to stifle her emotional or creative expression? By trying to stop her from yelling instead of speaking normally, am I guaranteeing that she’ll never grow to explore her artistic side? Blah blah blah…

Does reading parenting books make someone a great parent?

I read a gazillion of them when my daughter was in her first 6-9 months of life. But in the last 6 months or so I haven’t read any at all! I own some that need reading, but I just don’t seem to ever want to pick them up.

And believe me, it’s NOT because I’ve got such a strong handle on things. I still have no idea what I’m doing.

Perhaps I should start with something less serious, like “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Toddlers.” Or something inspiring and wonderful, like good old Penelope Leach.

Because I’m not finding much good parenting information while reading “The Rule of Four” or watching American Idol, that’s for sure.

I love being a mom more than I ever thought possible. I went from not wanting kids just a few short years ago to being this crazy kinda weirdo mom who wants a handful of them running around.

But I have to admit it doesn’t come naturally to me. I overthink every moment of every day, as I try to do the things that will help my daughter grow up to be happy, confident, kind, etc. The sense of responsibility is sometimes overwhelming, but her little grin inspires me to keep trying my best.