caz0rz is doing 27 things including…

share my feelings

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caz0rz has written 2 entries about this goal

On: Anger.

I watched my son explode into fits of rage the other day. The first part of him to fall down on the ground was his body; head first, then the legs began to flail helplessly around. Communication through kicking. And punching at the air.

Screaming began and I didn’t know what to do. His anger and frustration is fairly fresh and without proper lines of communication through talking I can’t really ever properly deduce what is going on with him and what got him to this stage of annoyance.

Is he annoyed? Is he angry? Is he frustrated? Or is it all three? It’s really hard to tell so I boil it down to all three emotions, with a heavy inclination towards frustration.

I lost my voice last week. I had to use the patchy sign language that I learned as a girl and I made up some of my own signs because my sign language is terrible – and anyway, my husband has basic sign language understanding so it wouldn’t have been a lot of use.

I could croak out a few words of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ but that was fruitless as nodding your head is accepted in place of these two words anyway.

All in all I learned a lesson in not being able to communicate vocally. It is a huge problem for someone who is so used to being able to do so – and for someone who wants to communicate vocally.

Just as it is for my son. A lot of wires were crossed between me and my husband last week – I’m not afraid to say that because it pertains to my point. I couldn’t get my point across and it made me angry. One particular sign came in handy for moments like that ;).

I kept thinking; “He’s doing this on purpose, he’s using my illness and my inability to communicate as an excuse to wind me up.” Luckily I can say that this feeling was completely irrational but at the time it was very real.

It got me very angry and I tried to suppress that feeling. Then I thought about why I was even suppressing my feelings. I think it’s because I have shown my feelings, my anger in the past and even though I have never hurt others as a result of my anger (as far as I know) nor have I damaged property I have been treated as though I have gone too far in my rages.

Seeing the way other people react and respond to situations and seeing their own anger manifest itself I know I am someone not to worry about when it comes to anger. However I have always been treated as though I am a ticking time bomb.

Like I can’t have access to feelings of anger and have to completely close off those feelings. Does that make sense?

To me I find that silly.

I feel as though I have a right to my anger. And a right to express it. After all I do get angry but I am always one step ahead of that anger; I have to be because although I reject the constraints of the past, there has to be some limit to emotions. They can’t just rage on and never end, after all.



damn hard.

I find it so damn hard to tell my parents that I love them. And my siblings. And my extended family. I find it reaaaaalllly hard, in fact. I hate saying it and I have no idea why. It just either doesn’t seem enough or comes off as though I am saying it out of duty.

And I know I’m not. I can’t even take this post seriously because I know if I do that I am admitting I have feelings. I really do.

I try to stifle my feelings a lot. I don’t cry at funerals because I don’t “do” that. I remember when I was pregnant and at church, we were singing Christmas hymns and I felt so moved that I began to cry. I put my head right down and hid my tears and I got soooo embarrassed when one woman gave me this “its okay to cry!” look.

I think it’s okay to cry and more so in public but somehow for myself I have other rules and ideas.

When people ask me how I am I hate saying how I really feel – because I know it’s a duty bound question. I remember when I was younger I would let my tongue run wild and say “I’m really crap, how are you?” with a big smile on my face and everyone thought I was kidding around. I just got sick of that British ‘how are you?’ BS that everyone buys into.

I don’t know what people think of me but I often get the impression that I’m some unfeeling freak. Every one I know is over sensitive and over emotional – and I used to be but I suppose I curbed that side of my personality.

I want to share myself openly, with people I care about.



caz0rz has gotten 2 cheers on this goal.

  • blincolnw cheered this 2 years ago
  • starstuff cheered this 2 years ago

 

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