I watched my son explode into fits of rage the other day. The first part of him to fall down on the ground was his body; head first, then the legs began to flail helplessly around. Communication through kicking. And punching at the air.
Screaming began and I didn’t know what to do. His anger and frustration is fairly fresh and without proper lines of communication through talking I can’t really ever properly deduce what is going on with him and what got him to this stage of annoyance.
Is he annoyed? Is he angry? Is he frustrated? Or is it all three? It’s really hard to tell so I boil it down to all three emotions, with a heavy inclination towards frustration.
I lost my voice last week. I had to use the patchy sign language that I learned as a girl and I made up some of my own signs because my sign language is terrible – and anyway, my husband has basic sign language understanding so it wouldn’t have been a lot of use.
I could croak out a few words of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ but that was fruitless as nodding your head is accepted in place of these two words anyway.
All in all I learned a lesson in not being able to communicate vocally. It is a huge problem for someone who is so used to being able to do so – and for someone who wants to communicate vocally.
Just as it is for my son. A lot of wires were crossed between me and my husband last week – I’m not afraid to say that because it pertains to my point. I couldn’t get my point across and it made me angry. One particular sign came in handy for moments like that ;).
I kept thinking; “He’s doing this on purpose, he’s using my illness and my inability to communicate as an excuse to wind me up.” Luckily I can say that this feeling was completely irrational but at the time it was very real.
It got me very angry and I tried to suppress that feeling. Then I thought about why I was even suppressing my feelings. I think it’s because I have shown my feelings, my anger in the past and even though I have never hurt others as a result of my anger (as far as I know) nor have I damaged property I have been treated as though I have gone too far in my rages.
Seeing the way other people react and respond to situations and seeing their own anger manifest itself I know I am someone not to worry about when it comes to anger. However I have always been treated as though I am a ticking time bomb.
Like I can’t have access to feelings of anger and have to completely close off those feelings. Does that make sense?
To me I find that silly.
I feel as though I have a right to my anger. And a right to express it. After all I do get angry but I am always one step ahead of that anger; I have to be because although I reject the constraints of the past, there has to be some limit to emotions. They can’t just rage on and never end, after all.