find myself, and then find somebody else

but it doesn’t feel like it.

When I initially added this goal I don’t think I had a particular person in mind to find, but I’ve spent the intervening time discovering them; now it’s just me who is lost and ‘un-found’.

I’ll have to work on that if I’m to actually find this person completely.

I wonder if I’ll have reflected on these thoughts in my annual FutureMe.org e-mail that I send to myself for my birthday this year.

This is supposed to be cryptic, and it is.

I may well just have found what I’ve been looking for.

A person with whom I can relate my thoughts.

That’s all I’m going to say. Though that’s pretty awesome enough as it is.

I can see some change in myself, it’s hardly anything major at this stage. Maybe I’m trying to grow up (although my brain has always seemed older than my body) as I reach my 23rd birthday.

This all sounds a bit meh, but it’s one of the things I think everyone should have on their list of Things To Do, even if it’s only the secret one they feel too embarrassed to admit to in public. I believe I’ve come a considerable way on my ‘path’ to ‘finding’ my ‘self’, if you’ll forgive the awkward sentence flow I’ve just injected into your mental reading ‘voice’ (sorry).

And by ‘find’ I don’t mean in the philosophy student’s gap year sort of way, I mean in my sort of way: by realising the me of now is better than the me of yesteryear.

However, I’ve been giving an awful lot of thought lately to the subject of finding somebody out there I can talk to, relate to, even look up to – I don’t necessarily have to equate this with a relationship, but for once I’d like to be the person doing the aspirational ‘looking up’ to somebody else, listening to the sage advice and wisdom of others whom I trust, respect, and value the company of.

And I say that at the risk of sounding ever so slightly elitist, I know. In no way do I distrust my current circle of friends, or have a lack of respect for them, or lack value in their company. If I did I’d have bigger problems than I do: justifying my friendships with such characters I couldn’t possibly count as ‘friends’.

I think what I’m trying to say is I would like to be able to experience somebody as I like to think I appear to them. Basically I want a mirror.

How narcissistic!

Who knows, maybe it might even open my eyes to how annoying it would be to be forever being told How To Do Things. My word, is that an epiphany?