find the courage to go home

I did it, but I didn’t do it. I didn’t go back physically, but I talked to my parents about it and finally—finally

I feel better about this then I have in a long, long time.

I guess I’ll have to at least go through some old pictures before I leave in two weeks (this is hard stuff, though it shouldn’t be). It’s taken me two years to get this far—two years and I still don’t know half of what I should!

...and I miss her, sometimes.
(desperately, but I hide it well).

Where is that goddamned courage I’ve been praying for?

I know I won’t go back unless I set a time limit to force myself there, so…I will go back home by the end of 2006—I will have confronted my demons by December 31st and learned to accept them.

I didn’t run away, I’m not a bad kid
I’m 15 and I live with my parents…
I earn above a 4.0 GPA

But I once had a home very different from the one I have now
With different people…
And I’m scared to go back to see the graves
And re-introduce myself

That’s what I mean when I say that I want the courage to go home, I guess

I’m scared to drive there and I’m scared to ask to go. I think about it every day but I can’t get the courage to actually go…

But I will take a letter, and a lily, and I will leave them there.