Inspire myself

a crow atop the streetlight is stretching his wings, to catch the snow.
snow on the wings of a crow.

I am reading something new…it has to do with “cognitive fusion”. Our mind can become a total “word machine” and we take our feelings to be completely real. This book is about looking at your thoughts instead of from your thoughts. What an interesting concept. So..a person can be disengaged from themselves and be the observer of their thoughts. Handy if one has become all twisted up and angry with themselves with memories and evaluations. I am interested!

willingness

today I am taking a chill pill! I am not going to worry about anything. I may even order a pizza. Sometimes it is good to take a breather from all the plans!

Yesterday I had a conversation with my best friend. (I only have a handful of friends…she’s the one who knows me best). We did this very interesting thing called the feedback exercise where you tell eachother TWO of their best qualities and then ONE thing that “could use improvement”. It was interesting as heck! I was surprised with what she said needs improvement for me…she said “Your self esteem…you continually doubt yourself”. Well…...yeah. Somehow or another I thought I had gotten pretty good at keeping that under wraps. But no.

So what is self esteem anyhow? I read somewhere that self esteem is built as one gains mastery in important areas. Say for example that it was really personally important to me to know how to “X-Y-Z”....I would endure all the hardships and pitfalls of learning “X-Y-Z” until I finally felt satisfied with knowing “X-Y-Z”..certainly there would be ups AND downs of gaining full understanding of “X-Y-Z” but once I got to a point where I was sharp at “X-Y-Z” I would feel satisfied with my ability to undertake and accomplish other things. Yes. that seems logical. So what ARE my XYZ’s and why do I insist on the charade of being “actualized” when I clearly am not? I guess I have thought it seems a weakness to have to admit to not knowing stuff (“already”). Now that I have sorted this through I am aware that I need to accept the un-coolness of having to ask for help in MANY areas

I have stacks of stuff all over the place…IRONICALLY the stacks are mostly organizational type things…office supplies…lists…books…all pertaining to getting things done! Today’s idea is: less planning…more doing!

I had a dream last night ..in it I told another woman that she “REALLY doesn’t want to hear what she doesn’t like”. (No doubt the “other woman” is really me).

I fully realize that each and every thought I have is just me talking to myself. My thoughts aren’t placed in my brain by anyone else! I DO have this problem about wanting to control lots of stuff…including outcomes. But…I also have the capacity for change.

No matter what happens, I can decide how I want to think about it. I intend to truly understand that I will be frustrated when things go awry…but that I will accept that not EVERYTHING is always going to go MY way!

and I didn’t have an “objective” today. I think I will rename this goal one more time…I’ll call it intention.
My intention right now is to have a nice cup of coffee and think about what I want to do with the rest of the evening!

Depression is such a weird thing! I woke up this morning profoundly depressed. I have often read that depression “hits” hard upon waking. Does anyone know why? As much as I have read about depression, you’d think I would know why…but I do not. At any rate, when my little kitties came tearing into the bedroom I could not surpress a smile—those cats, what charm! The melancholy went away just like that. I am so grateful to have them!
My objective today is: take stock of what is absolutely great in my life!

my objective today is to: work through anything that is challenging today… by accepting the “temporary discomfort” of it! (so that I may have the long term gain!)