Stop being depressed

it has been over six years since I began my descent into depression and about four years coming out of it. I have to admit that a lot of it was just waiting – for most of that time, depression was part of my identity and I didn’t want to give it up. only in the past six months have I made a consious decision to eradicate those final remnants of this way of being. I really don’t think that this would have been possible say, last year, but I guess I was just finally ready to be rid of depression, for now.
I really feel like ‘depressed’ doesn’t describe me anymore. I think there could be a goal related to my mental health that I need to keep working at, but I don’t think it’s this anymore.

today I realized something…that I am focusing on the wrong things. this idea has been revealing itself to me for a while.
I have never believed in outcomes. what I mean by that is that I think to do your best is enough. there are so many moments that contribute to the making of one, single moment – how could I even consider the idea that I could control that humungousness?
don’t get me wrong, obviously, I have goals and I do believe we can contribute heavily to our own outcomes. but when you do your best, you do the right thing, and still things don’t turn out, what then?
and yet, lately, I run my life as though controlling my external situation is the only thing that will make me happy or satisfied…if only I could get the universe to bend to my will.
I want to remember to let go into this great big mess and to hell with what happens or what others think, if I know I have done what I can. in that, maybe I can be at peace every once in a while.

maybe this entry should be under ‘stop being angry’ but oh well.
I am so pissed at my life today. I hate my boss. I hate my job. I can’t quit my job because I need the insurance that I won’t have for SIX MORE MONTHS. I hate my roomate. I don’t want her around and I don’t want to pretend I like her.
I probably should not even post this post.
I feel sick, I’ve eaten tons of sugar and crap. I don’t have any money or food. I know I probably need to just calm down. what should I do?

I wouldn’t say I’ve been depressed these past few days, but I would say I’ve been uncomfortable. I’m attempting just to be uncomfortable – not happy or in a state of pleasure, but not unhappy, either – which is the hardest thing. but I have to get over this.

well, I succumbed to my baser desires. I drank and ate, too much. and I drove drunk and ran into someone that I would be a fool to make an ass out of myself in front of and talked to her for like, 30 minutes…I have no idea if she could tell I was drunk…I was too drunk.
I know this post seems like it should be somewhere else (stop drinking, maybe?) but I’m putting it here because this episode followed a moment where I felt awfully anxious and depressed, and I made the wrong decision. how do I learn that the easy way out never is? and that it’s ok to get depressed; it’ll pass?

I am feeling kind of low and anxious today, which makes me think: I deserve a treat! should I binge eat, starve myself, cut, have a milkshake or get drunk?
those are my options. or, rather: those are my options?
some of these ideas are worse than others, but all of them violate my integrity in some way, because they would sabatoge other goals I am trying to reach. this is the moment I have over and over, the one where ALL I WANT, more than anything, more than the real satasfaction that might be on the other side of NOT being self destructive, of restraining myself, is to just feel better. now.

together on the inside or on the outside? sometimes I feel like my definition of happiness really just means that I’ve managed to arm wrestle my immediate world into looking kind of like what I want…routine, order, no surprises.
but when things don’t go my way, my “happiness” magically disappears.
that isn’t happiness, I don’t think.

is a challenge. she is depressed and in a worse spot than me at the moment. being around her is hard…and she was away for a while, so we’ve had to adjust to each other all over again. sometimes, this hatred she has towards herself spews out of her so strongly, that it actually kind of makes me angry.
what I hate is that being around her brings me down, as much as I love her. for my own sanity and for our relationship, I think I need to be a little more mindful around her. my goal is to just listen, without judgement, and stop giving so much damn advice. and for myself – I want to stay present enough to not get swept up in her emotional tornadoes – and allow myself to be honest – but not mean – with her, and to just leave the room if I have to.

feeling really down today, who knows why. I do, actually. S. is driving me insane and I wish she would just move out already. It’s draining being around her; she only cares about herself. at work, things are stressful in a way, and in another way, I’m already bored again. I feel partly hopeless, partly numb, and I do things just to try and wake up – enter destructive tendencies. I feel that I could complain endlessly about so many things, but then I feel ashamed that I’m not more grateful for everything I have, which is a lot.
so at this point, my only thought is: how do I make myself feel better. but I don’t think that’s the real solution at all. I wish I could just go to sleep.

I guess I would say that I have not been too depressed lately, but stress and life changes are upon me and I don’t handle those too well. My inclination is to want to escape, because the anxiety becomes too much to handle. My brain knows better, but I will literally feel sick from stress over these tiny little things.
I’m really in good physical health right now – except for that tiny little heart problem, that is – but mentally: still messed up.
these life changes bring up things that frankly, I don’t want to deal with. except that maybe I should.