I have a few setbacks, every so often hormones take control and it clouds up my way of thinking. There’s so much going on it’s hard to keep all my emotions on one level. Whilst I feel i’ve conquered part of the green-eyed monster there are other parts I still have to work on, and to be completely honest I don’t think they will ever be resolved. I believe it’s just a part of me, how my experiences have shaped me. People always talk about how things help you grow and be a better person, well I think this one thing isn’t going to help me be a better person but it’s making me a person. I care about things…I care so much about my relationship I want to make damn sure nothing is going to ruin it. Lets just say I’m coming to terms with the fact my emotions can’t just be put away, they’re out there, they’re here to stay and they’re just showing exactly how much things mean to me.
So this is it for controlling my jealousy, I’ve found a way of coming to terms with it rather than controlling it, and I think I’ll be okay from now on.
This is getting so much easier since writing it all down and figuring out ways to control it. I think there’s a better understanding between me and my boyfriend after talking about my feelings, and he’s always been honest about everything. There are times when I get the swirly feeling in my gut and I start to get snappy but that’s happening less and less! He’s always been my everything and I can appreciate him even more now my jealousy is going away.
My boy is the nicest person I know. He’s never nasty, he treats me like a princess, he’s good to all his friends, and always thinks of other people before himself. So why do I get jealous?
It should be the other way around, other girls should be so jealous of me! (And I think some of them really are). I have one of ‘those’ guys. Those that don’t disregard our feelings, those that make the effort to make us feel good, those that send you little texts or emails just to say that they love you and you mean the world to them. I have a guy that tells me he loves me almost every hour let alone every day!
Sometimes I understand why I feel the way I do and other times I can’t figure out why my head fights my heart. But I do feel like I’m further on in this goal.
Last week I had a really hard time with a couple of problems I just couldn’t shake off. When I get frustrated I get mad and take it out on him, which I know he doesn’t deserve. I can never talk when I’m angry because I just end up getting upset or it not turning into the discussion I wanted to have. This weekend I gave myself time to calm down and we chatted about my worries when I was feeling more confident. This worked out really well and we had a great talk, much better than me getting upset and not wanting to discuss anything.
So there, I feel I’ve moved further in trying to control my jealousy. I know that if I’m feeling bad I just need to say so and we can talk about it once I’m calm.
I’m having good days and bad days, i guess it depends on my mood as to whether i feel intimidated or not. I have no idea how i can sort my feelings out but i am trying, i’m being encouraging and understanding. Sometimes i need to let off steam though and say what i feel.
Sometimes my jealousy feels totally uncontrollable and other times I can just breathe and tell myself I’m being silly. I think because all of my previous relationships have ended with them cheating on me, or dumping me for someone else, it’s had an effect on my trust.
I’ve had to watch an ex finish with me and go straight to another girls house, another ex told me he didnt want to be in a relationship but then started dating a friend, then later on i had a brilliant summer with a boy i fell completely head over heels for who said he wasn’t wanting a relationship either but then started dating the same girl as the previous guy did! That had a serious effect on me.
As much as I tell my boyfriend now that I don’t like previous relationships infringing on ours maybe my bad endings are acting the same way.
I totally understand why I might be jealous because my bad relationships have caused me to cut all contact with exes, ive thrown out presents and cards and deleted photos because thats the only way i can move on. So when he still talks to those he used to be with it hurts because i’m always thinking there would have to still be something there to carry on as friends? I believe him when he says theres nothing, and thats all he can do i guess. Things like that only make me worse, i can’t stand the thought of him remembering and feeling things about it…I NEED to stop myself from feeling that way.
The beginning of our relationship was great, we were long distance but from the start i knew this was the guy i was supposed to be with. I felt no jealousy. As time has gone on i’ve become more protective of him, and think i’m totally crazy for feeling like that. I never want to feel like i did with those previous bad endings and however many times he can reassure me it wont happen, i still feel bad. Being away from him for 5 days a week is hard, and i miss him so much that when we are together i want to be the only one he spends time with. Being long distance isn’t what i wanted but we’ve had to do it, he’s had female housemates that i’ve felt worse about but it’s just the typical male never understanding a girl needs more attention sometimes!
I need to learn to get over my fears and trust when he reassures me. It’s been a long road so far but I really want to get there.