Fear is a B!tch
Current mood: scared
When do you diced to walk away from a marrige that looks perfectly fine from the outside. I can’t say he beats me, I can’t say he abuses me in any way, yet there are times everyday when he makes me feel worthless. I don’t know if i can handle everything at once.
I am trying to go to therapy in Boone so that they can help me with the panic attacks and the far of bing alone. They have me on a few medications that help but I am still not well.
Now the Doctor in Hickory is talking about me having back surgery and possibly a breast reduction to help with the pain.
I am trying to break the pain pill habit that James and I have developed over the past 2 years but I just can’t handle to pain without anything and if I do a pill he wants one too. He is stressed out trying to deal with his own pain but I can’t keep doing this. We spend most of my unemployment getting him something to handle the pain.
Thank go he finally got a job (of course I am still looking and that gives him one more reason to make me feel worthless)
I just don’t know what to do. I have dug myself a hole that I can’t seem to begin to even crawl out of.
My own best friend has ditched me cause you can’t stand to be around James and I. My mother doesn’t even answer my calls.
I just wanna go away and start over.
Thanks god for my Aunt Doreen. She loaned me money to register for classes this semester and I am hoping I can find enough online that I can actually be free to move and not fear losing the money.
James has took to walking out of the house every time we bicker and leaving Kenneth and I at home with no car and me panicking. My therapist offered to commit me if the panic attacks don’t get better but I can’t do that. James said if i tried to leave he would take Kenneth away and I am afraid if I let Kenneth out of my sight for more that a few minutes he will take of on me.
God I am so afraid to walk out on my marriage. Where will I go, what will I do. I have become nothing besides James’ wife. I have no one on my own especially here.
Who knows we may be fine in a week but I can’t see everything ever getting better.
He went so far as to threaten to call the cops on me all because he walked away from me and I panicked and grabbed him by the shoulder to stop him so now he says he will take a warrent out on my so he has the right to take Kenneth.
I have never felt so lost in my life. We were supposed to be the good couple. He was supposed to protect me from my fears.
How do you know when its the end and how do you walk away with nothing. The truck isn’t even in my name. The car is in both our names but its illegal cause we owe so much money on it (dead tag, deat inspection hell I even have a dead license cause we paid off James tickets instead of mine)
I am sorry to unload on everyone i just feel like I have no where to turn.
Pray for Kenneth and I please and if anyone has ever been through this help me understand how to through 7 years away.
