stop picking my skin

Moved back into parents house 2 months ago. Have been picking once a week since. I don’t know why I pick at just their house. But it makes me miserable.

Don’t know how to stop anymore.

Putting on makeup and going to work.

Can’t wait to see my relationships start falling apart again.

Anxiety is bad lately.

Can’t be an adult and just take care of things I need to take care of….always tired…working alot…

Hating this life right now.

I know what I have to do…I’ve just been so tired.

=(

Conscious effort time.

I know I can do this..I have to. I’m tired. Its ridiculous.

I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!
I want this nightmare to end!

Why can’t I stop?

Why can’t I stop?

Why can’t I stop?

Why can’t I stop?

Why can’t I stop?

Why can’t I stop?

Why can’t I stop?

Why can’t I stop?

Why can’t I stop?

I spent 2-3 nights with my guy…didn’t have makeup with me and I didn’t care….I came home…showered and now I’m going back out.

Fuck yeaaaaaa. Barely any makeup.

I don’t give a fuck anymore…if people like me, its gonna be for my personality and not my skin…my skin may look not so good now but its only temporary.

Fuck it!

Living is good.

Let’s do it!

Here’s my screen name for AIM-xxxxxsewnupxxxxx.

If anyone needs support immediatley or feels like picking and needs someone to help calm them down or vent to, I’ll be here most of the time.

If you’re interested in a support group of that sort leave your screen names! We can chat right away when we’re feeling down, and stop each other from picking if needed!

It’s been 2 days since my last entry and I feel alot better…I’ve haven’t been obsessing about my skin or paying it that much attention.

I pretty much just wake up, shower, put on makeup, and just pretend my skin is fine. Then I wash before bedtime, and put lotion…That’s it.

That’s the key, just lotion, washing with gentle cleansers, and loving yourself.

I’ve felt a change in the wind ever since the year started…I’m doing so much better then I was before. I wish I was doing minor picking all the time, the kind you barely notice, instead of MAJOR pick fests that feel like it takes FOREVER TO HEAL, and drains my confidence and my life of FUN.

I keep saying it…but this is going to stop. I know it will. I know one day I’ll be one of those people who can say “Yea I used to do that but I got over it.”

Wanna hear something interesting??? I used to bite my cuticles, and pick at them when I worked at my old job in a cubicle all day…I was able to stop that..so I think I can stop this. My mentality was. “Jeez my cuticles look TERRIBLE! Thats what everyone sees first, face and hands! And my fingers look crappy. So I put bandaids on my fingers with some neosporin and left them alone, and I never did it AGAIN. The face is tricky. It breaks out more, ESPECIALLY when you try to apply some sort of healing ointment. The cuticles you can just neaten with cuticle cutters. But the face is tricky. I think we just have to know what kind of skin we have and take care of it, and be patient with it and love it no matter what. Picking obviously makes it worse. That’s the question we all have problems answering. “IF IT HURTS US AND MAKES OUR SKIN WORSE WHY DO WE STILL DO IT.”

I’m tired of trying to know the why…I just want to stop. And stop obsessing and be me again.

Feeling good today!

I’ve been picking my skin more and more since the beginning of July…it still hasn’t ended…it’s been every week so far…I’m getting scared.

I think I’m losing it.

And I’m going to lose this new guy.

I’m going to OD on benadryl and lay in my bed for like 4 or 5 days. I need a break from life….I need to pull myself together…I thought I was doing that…but I’m falling behind. This happens every time. I’m so tired. I just need to get passed this bad streak. But I can’t seem to do it.

I need some sort of help.

Whats wrong with me this month??

I’m losing touch.

I’ll write again tomorrow…I need to start making a concious effort again..

Don’t do this anymore. It’s not worth it. Life is waiting for us!

I noticed personally I picked because I didn’t want to participate fully in life anymore. I had no idea where I was going in life. I was stressed between work, procrastinating going back to school and an emotionally abusive and cheating boyfriend. But now I have so much to look forward to! A new guy, school, less stress, family, a better job! I’m looking forward to life, and living now, and picking just isn’t worth it…it was never okay, But when I was depressed and lost and I felt worthless it didn’t matter if I picked it didn’t make anything better or worse… I was just stagnant for so long!

My boyfriend used to cheat on me, and my family didn’t like him so that made me and my family fight and get torn apart….then I moved out. Now I mended my relationship with them and me and him have been broken up for almost a year. I feel like myself again! I gave so much of myself to him…

I noticed I always picked a little here or there…but Never did I pick as much as I have the past 3-4 year when I was with that guy and out of school.

I have so much to look forward to now.

AND YOU DO TOO! DON’T FEEL LOST ANYMORE. FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF AS A PERSON AGAIN. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST. NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO. IT’S ABOUT YOU. FIND YOURSELF. FIND WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IN LIFE AND GO FOR IT. DON’T LET ANYTHING KEEP YOU DOWN AND DON’T USE PICKING AS A WAY TO COPE OR DE-STRESS. WE’RE JUST HURTING OURSELVES EVEN MORE. I NEVER NOTICED WHAT I WAS MISSING OUT ON FOR SO LONG UNTIL I STARTED LIVING AGAIN. NOW I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THE WAY I WAS IN THE PAST. I FELT DEPRESSED AND TRAPPED AND THAT’S WHY I PICKED. I FINALLY FIGURED THAT OUT TODAY. I HAD AN EPIPHANY!!

WE CAN ALL STOP…BECAUSE LIVING IS SO MUCH MORE WORTH IT.

-WANT TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH NO MAKEUP ON AND FEEL BEAUTIFUL?

-WANT TO GO OUT IN THE RAIN? IN A POOL? IN THE SPRINKLERS? SWEAT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR MAKEUP COMING OFF?

-WANT TO BE SOCIAL AGAIN?

-WANT TO BE FREE OF THIS BURDEN?

I’m such an idiot. I should have never picked again the other day.

I just need to get past this week!

Pray for me.

It looks terrible. noticeable even with makeup. I’m going to go out anyway. And try and have a good time. I hope Chris doesn’t notice it. And if he does? I don’t know…I feel like this time it killed my spirit…all the other times I was able to keep my chin up. My last pickfest that was this bad was May23rd-ish….but at that time I wasn’t seeing anyone so I was able to walk around my house with no makeup and have it heal faster by putting ointment on it everyday. But me and this guy have been hanging out almost everyday or every other day the past 2 1/2 weeks! I’ve been sleeping at his place too, so if I all of a sudden feel too down to go out, sleep over or get intimate he might think somethings up and I might put a dent in this new thing…

I hate myself =(....it’s going to take a week before it looks okay again and I’m just not up for the embarrassment and shame….having to put on makeup right before he wakes up if I sleep over so he doesn’t see…How do I explain that my skin looked close to perfect 2 days ago and now it looks like shit? I don’t know!

I’m scared…if I stay home he’ll think somethings up and if I go out he’ll see my terrible looking skin and probably get turned off/think it’s unattractive with my luck.

I just want my period already!!!! My skins been this oily red and splotchy unbalanced piece of motherfucking disgusting shit! And now it’s an oily red and splotchy SCABBY RED unbalanced piece of motherfucking disgusting shit….really just all over my chin and jawline…but still! It makes me so angry with myself…so angry. I feel like a different person when I do this to myself. I feel shady, and embarassed, and avoiding, and shameful, uptight, anxious, angry, and upset. As opposed to my usual bubbley, happy, laid back, fun, impulsive, happy self.

Soooo angry with myself. I’m a MONSTER. and with all the makeup on? Now I’m a scabby transvestite monster!!

I can’t write anymore…I’m getting pissed off.

This is the last time I’m picking.

Fuck this.

FUCK IT.

Fuck it hard up the ass with no lube. I’m so fucking done.

Consider this the last chapter everyone. I’ve had it. I’ve absolutely had it. I can’t do this anymore.

Life is waiting for me and I can’t do this anymore. It just get’s in the way and prevents me from being the person I want to be.

HAPPY.

I wonder what it feels like to go a year without picking…sometimes I feel like I’ll never know..and days like today just make that goal seem to far away.

It’s not about living for the future…having nice skin in the future…it’s about living for NOW. What am I going to do now? I haven’t been wearing makeup, so now I have all these red spots to cover and if I wear makeup It’s going to look weird because my chest and arms are tan and my makeup is lighter.

I don’t want anymore of my relationships to suffer because of this. Especially the relationship with myself.

Not having a job is stressing me out…and liking this new guy a lot is also stressing me out…I’m really starting to like him and I’m afraid of getting attached.

I’ll go to bed tonight and hope this is one of the those where I have a pickfest and when I wake up it’s not as bad as I thought it was and I’ll wonder why I was so upset about it in the first place.

=(

My new guy chews in his cuticles constantly…he says he does it without even realizing he does and it’s some sort of nervous tick/anxiety thing. He does it until they bleed sometimes…I wish I can tell him about my picking…i know he’d understand…his skin is worse then mine but he doesn’t pick at it and he’s sooo handsome…I don’t want him to know this side of me…I want to put it in the past so I dont suffer and make my new quasi-relationship suffer.

I need a hug =(