get over a broken heart

It’s a done deal.
This happened a while ago but I just didn’t get around to marking it done. There was no moment of recognition or enlightenment – just one day I guess I woke up to the fact that it didn’t hurt anymore, and I don’t regret us splitting up either. I see now how it wouldn’t have worked – he was right, we woulda driven each other bonkers. The more I think of it the more I realise how much of myself I was holding back or tried to change, first of all because I had an instinct that I should (a vibe maybe that came from him or the situation or whatever, without needing to be put into words), and then in time because he didn’t seem to like certain parts of my personality (my love of my dogs, my male friendships, my casual attitude to the decoration of my house, etc.) and was vocal about it. And what’s the point of being with someone if one or the other of you feels that way ?

Today has been extra sad. It’s a month now since he dumped me, – so why am I still feeling like this ? I can’t stop bloody crying today.
My dogs, sweetest boys that they are, have learned to either smell my tears or can sense when I am crying, because even if they are on another floor of the house they come and put their heads on my lap. I don’t even have to make a sound – in fact, I have always been the sort of silent tears type so it isn’t that they hear me. I think it was Dorothy Parker who said, “The more I know of men, the more I like dogs.”

And life has a way of moving you along too, even if you don’t want it to.

I went to fix himself’s ailing computer last night. It took me hours (top tip to those who rely on their systems for work – don’t run it on windows and connect it to the net unless you know how to protect yourself !) to repair all the spyware / virus / general bullshit damage it had suffered with a total os reinstall. And then I had to set up his many peripherals and programs that he relies on for his work.

Being there, where I had spent so much time with him, was a form of discomfort I don’t think I have ever felt before. Seeing him is alternately a compulsion and an aversion. Seeing him now reminds me that sometimes good things do happen to good people – because as far as I was concerned, he pretty much made me as happy as I can be. We had the most fun and the least trauma in any relationship I’ve ever had. So, even though that’s only one relationship like that out of the number I have had in my adult life and the odds don’t look good on paper, I can keep telling myself that it will happen again.
But of course on the other hand, the sad thing is, if I have that again, it won’t be with him. Because he didn’t feel the same way. And if he did, it scared him enough to make him give it up.
Maybe, when I have moved away from here and time has passed, I will direct him to 43T and he can read this whole diary of days. Although I have never kept much back from him, I still think he had no idea of the depth of my feelings and did not really believe me when I told him. It’s not that I harbour any hope that him reading this will suddently make him see the light and want me back – but rather a wish that he should really know how much I regret that it didn’t work. He had his unfortunate points, it’s true. But doesn’t everyone ? I have always loved without reservation (within reason) and a few annoying habits or differences of opinion have never crossed my eyes. But he doesn’t feel the same – I think he is maybe looking for what he would view as perfection in lieu of a wasted marriage where he says he did not speak up when things were wrong for him. But I do wonder if he hasn’t now gone right to the other end of the scale and can brook no compromise. I do wonder how imperfect someone can be for someone when they and that person get along so well. Maybe that was an excuse, maybe I scared him becausae I never held back my feelings, yada yada. I suppose what will follow me now in my life is that I’ll never know for sure.

of mixed signals.
He texted me last night around midnight saying how much he had enjoyed my company that evening and hoped he’d managed to fix the roof ok (see the house moving goal for details if you’re interested). Signed it with a x.
That’s the first sms I’ve had from him since he dumped me nearly a month ago.
It was plain that as we sat there after the roof fixing watching Top Gear and talking cars (first time in the house fixing that he’s done for me that he’s actually stayed more than ten minutes afterwards) and crap that he was enjoying my company. I never stopped enjoying his of course. Maybe he misses me. I smsed back that I’d enjoyed his company also and maybe we could go for a beer sometime if he could deal with that (I’ve never had problem remaining friends after a break up and I think I am sufficiently on top of it to handle that now). He hasn’t replied yet – though that isn’t unusual.
I don’t know what to make of the text – it was out of the blue really. I can’t go back to being his one of two women so – short of him begging on his knees (well, maybe just begging) me to give it another go and swearing off anyone else (I admit, if he did, I’d take about a nanosecond to say “yes”), it’s pointless to wonder if he misses me or not. Though not entirely discouraging I’ll admit, despite the fact that I am about to move two hundred miles up country. Groan. Well – he’s got a car, it’s not like I’ve disappeared off the face of the earth. If he does miss me and won’t say so right now, he can come get me when he’s ready. If I’m available !

that you still do.
That would be, for me, phoning him up just a while ago and letting him know I’d done more to his business website that I’d offered to do when we were together, and that he’d asked me if I would do when we became not.
He mentioned he’d found the os disc for one of his work pcs, which I said I’d repair and reinstall for him when we were together. It needs doing, I don’t know how he uses it all day long for a vital part of his buisness in that state. So I said when I had more time I would still do it for him if he wanted, no strings attached. I don’t know why I said that – no strings – I guess I wanted to let him know I was keeping my word that I’d do it rather than it being a heartbroken excuse to see him. And I think it really is that – I’d like to see him, but only for the pleasure of his company. There is no point in wanting it to be more afterall.
We chatted about business and house moves and shit for about twenty minutes, and I had to restrain myself from a) crying and b) wondering if his telling me about new cds he’d listened to or whatever was an excuse to keep talking alittle longer. Doesn’t matter really I guess, I think we’re too far down the line for it to go back. Certainly it going back to how it was (i.e. him seeing someone else, even on a casual basis, as well as me) is not possible for me now. I knew he was seeing her, (“it’s not remotely serious, it’s just a laugh and company” he always said) when I got into it with him and thought I’d a) be ok with that and b) I’d turn out to be what he wanted in the end (because he spent an awful lot of time with me, said an awful lot of “serious” things to me – tho he would sometimes tell me not to read anything into that) – but that didn’t happen in the end. He wanted not serious with her more than he wanted whatever it was with me because I think he got scared. Although he says she had nothing to do with it – and I think maybe he is being truthful. I think – from things he said – that he just couldn’t deal with the fact that I fell for him and loved him. His ex wife made him feel so insecure that he couldn’t deal with getting close to anyone else. He couldn’t love me back – he has never loved anyone he says – and it made him feel bad. She (the non serious) doesn’t love him or he doesn’t care for her that much (the lies he must have told her on certain occassions and the way he spoke of her make me realise that if he did care, it’s not a great deal), so – she’s no threat to his insecurities. She’s merely an insurance policy he keeps in the background to stop him getting serious – and potentially hurt – with anyone else. He is telling himself he wants a simple casual life on one hand (because after x years of marriage surely that’s what a 40something should be doing, right ?) but then saying stuff that’s the totally other end of the scale to me on the other. He doesn’t know what he wants and if he does, he’s afraid to have it.
But he certainly cared for me and made me feel cared for – much more so than people who have claimed to love me in the past did, so it was ok by me. I always told him it was ok that he didn’t love me back because he made me feel cared for. He knew this, he just couldn’t deal in the end, for that and probably many other reasons.
I have to convince myself that although he felt like home to me, I will get over him. I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be (although what he wanted me to be changed by the day sometimes), but more importantly, what I am is not what he could deal with. And that’s his loss, not mine.

on valentine’s day and sent him an email to let him know I was thinking of him. Said he didn’t have to reply and that I just wanted him to know anyway. Didn’t expect him to reply at all to be honest, and that wasn’t why I sent it. I genuinely just wanted to let him know.
Got email back last eve saying he had been thinking of me too and often did.
Surprised.
And confused.
But as my RL friends point out – I have to remember why he didn’t reply on the actual day – cos he was out with someone else who he chose to see over me. Harsh but true.

.. and I wish I could say mourning had too, but sadly not. It’s still there lurking under the layer of depersonalisation.
My ex husband sent me a valentine’s card, which was caring of him. He knows how dreadful today feels for me. At them moment I’m sort of numb but with a really sharp pain in my ribs over my heart. I’ve had this since He dunmped me, I think I pulled a muscle crying or something and the constant curling up crying and tenseness of the house being on the market doesn’t help it. If you want to try some interesting stress – get your heart broken then decide to try to move house by two hundred miles ! I know I’m running from my pain and I chose the house move part myself, but it’s the only way I can keep sufficiently occupied so not to just fall apart.
Happy Valentine’s, my fellow broken hearts. You’re not alone. FWIW. x

As hard as I try not to, I keep getting blindsided by those sad love songs. Sarah McLachlan, Do What You Have To Do.
I’ve lost count of the times I’ve cradled my stupid head in my hands and thought, “I’m not going to make it”, only to just carry on because there’s no other way. No other way. I didn’t get to choose.
I’ve been wondering if I should drop him an email for valentine’s tomorrow, though saying what I don’t know. I’d only be able to say something sad and full of regret, and I guess he wouldn’t think that much of me for that, he’d probably think it was pathetic. And he might be right, but I just can’t seem to stop hurting. My RL friends keep trying to keep me angry about it instead of sad, but I can’t seem to stay angry for long. I never have been that sort of person. I can’t seem to shake the sadness.

I can’t say how much I wish this day would come and just be gone. Everytime I see ads on tv for red roses, love song cds, champagne and all that stuff I just want to cry. Whaaaaaa.
This will be the first valentine’s day I will spend single and on my own for twenty years. How’s that for a milestone ?

And how ? Blimey, I don’t know.
I set up a website for his business before we split, and I am happy to continue to work on it. I can do it from home when I’m waiting for the house move to progress. When he came over to finish the work on my house the other night he asked if we could talk about the site and mentioned some things he’d like done to it. I can do them no problem. If I had time to do them, he said. I’ve got nothing but time at the moment, was my rather honest and unguarded reply.
I think he knows I’ve given up my job (it was a volunteer job, in an office I could see his shop from. I couldn’t go back there every day knowing that my usual routine of going over to his for a coffee and a cuddle after work or popping in for a quick kiss on my lunch hour was no longer going to happen. And the job was getting abit too much for me anyway. So as I’m needed at home to be on call for house viewings for this place, it makes sense not to go back.) I think he knows I’ve given it up but if asked I reckon he’d say he didn’t know.
I can’t help but think of him there, at his flat, with his kids this weekend. This weekend is his weekend with the kids. I can see him there in my mind’s eye at his pc, or working in the shop (he lives above it), or cooking dinner. He could be anywhere right now with the kids, and not knowing exactly where he is seems to help. However, on valentine’s day I know exactly where he will be – with the other woman he was seeing, probably having dinner then champagne in bed with her at her house. That should have been me, afaic, but as far as he was concerned, he wanted to see her instead. He chose her on that day over me, and said if I couldn’t live with that then we better call it a day, and then went on to say we should call it a day anyway. He blames me for asking to see him on valentines – can you believe that ? He said I shouldn’t have asked because I knew he was seeing someone else and it put him in a spot cos of course she doesn’t know. And she’s not even serious, of course, is what he constantly maintains. He said I was selfish to ask and wasn’t thinking about his feelings only my own. What is he – man or mouse ? If you see two women you have to take the consequences of some hard decsisions at times, don’t blame one or other of them for choices you have to make. Isn’t it natural to want to see the one you love on valentine’s day ? He shouldn’t have originally said yes (I asked some time ago and he said ok) then gone back on it if it was going to cause him trouble – I assumed that when he said she wasn’t serious (as he has always said, and keeps saying) then it wouldn’t have mattered if he didn’t see her on valentine’s day. I didn’t put a gun to his head over it. I just asked. And I assumed he was big enough to make his own choices and stick to them. But he wasn’t, and he tried to blame me for even asking, which is fairly cowardly in my book.
I have to accept that he’s blaming me because he is feeling guilty, and not see it as a failure in me, but as his loss, the chancing ratbag, not mine.
That day is going to be hard for me. The hardest yet I suspect.