live instead of exist

The goals I have outlined for myself are helping me achieve this one so I dont blog about it too much. I may have to retire this from the list but truthfully I like looking at just to remind myself why im here.

Okay I need to live with more intention. Intentionally seeking out the things that make me happy, intentionally seeking out the people who support me and lift me up, intentionally working toward specific goals. I need some direction in how i am living. i always want to be a free spirit tho. I dont want to be bogged down with have-to’s. Wandering aimlessly is not what I need either. I need to define my intentions a little more clearly.

All i want to be is numb today. i dont want to face the things i have to about my life. I want to run away and hide. i want someone to take all my problems away and just hold me. I dont know how to live with whats happeneing in my life. I dont know how to be positive and move on. I just want to stop. like my heart stopped when I walked throught his door last night and saw what i saw.

and learn to really be in it. Squeze every bit of enjoyment out of it. Live in it and let go of everything else. There is nothing I need to be anxious about. There is nothing coming tomorrow that is more important then right now. How true that they say life is what happens when your busy making other plans. I will plan less and do more.

I want to make new memories. I have so many old depressing memories of past hurts to draw on. I need to make new memories, have those great adventures and conversations and do all those things I love so that I can draw upon those as my foundation not the hurtful things.

if i should be more realistic or less on this. I have a tendency toward daydreams and fantasy. I am not sure what kind of life is attainable or what is only in movies. All I know is that the mundane is not enough. Id rather be dead.