appreciate my husband

We are trying so hard to pay off our debts, and i resent him b/c i feel like:
1. we are paying off his student loans, not his fault but he could at least feel some responsibility. Ok, some are his fault…he didn’t totally run by me the debt he took out since we were married.
2. We stayed here in town b/c he wanted to do another year at his partime 3 day week job, plus some night jobs one day a week. That said, he didnt work all summer and ignored my pleas to please get a job so we could reach our financial goals.
3. HE did not disucss the upcoming financial impact of our move to a new house with our new roomates; they are his friends and i resent that he wasnt confrontational or thought ahead about impact of all this.
4. He spends all his free time on art show, which i too would love to be doing but dont have 2 days a week off to work on like he does. I am jealous of this and i wish he were using those 2 days to contribute financial to our shortterm goal of getting out of debt.
5. I carry most of the burden of tracking our finances, he has gotten a lot better at participating, he gets it deep down and pretty much plays along but, while he spends free time making art/pursuing his dream etc, i spend my free time making financial spreadsheets and figuring out ways for us to save money. I work more and make more than him, and have less free time, so this can seem unjust to me.

I dont know what to do about these…

You worry about my health and stress, and you help out with the laundry and occasional other chores, which I truly appreciate. I truly appreciate how willing you are to go along with whatever new scheme I come up with to help us (the budget sheet, dave ramsey, fly lady swish and swipe, david allen ideas, house organizing/ikea ideas). I know that not everyone’s partner is as willing to cooperate. But sometimes I wonder how much I’m bearing the burden for …caring. For worrying. I could simply stop worrying about our money, house, etc. but that doesn’t come easily to me and additionally, if I don’t wake up at 6 am remembering that our rent is over a week overdue and that we are going to miss the tax deadline. I know you are going to say you do worry and care, just more privately. Unfortunately, if you never bring it up to me or initiate anything, then its the equavalent result on my end to you living in blissful oblivion. And so, I’m up at 6 am. Because of us, because of you. You always tells me I”m too easily stressed out, I’m too serious. Maybe that’s because, at times, I feel I’m bearing the burden for both of us.

I’m sorry if I tugged at the covers and thrashed; that is not fair. I resented that you get to sleep soundly. I resented that you have worked less than a 40 hr workweek ever since we’ve been married while I get 15 days off a year if I’m lucky, both because I’m jealous and because I feel I can’t do the same and meet my goals for us of getting out of debt and having flexiblity in the future. I resented that you do not appear to suffer the same anxiety I do over our future – thougths of financial freedom, life purpose, values and goals. Ultimately, I am worried we do not have the skills to be able to dream up something and do it because day to day maintenance gets in the way. I’m often sad because I feel losing my ability to dream, to think big thoughts for our future, because I’m so busy trying to dig us out of this whole of debt and keep us afloat in our house. Please can we figure out a way for me not to feel so alone in this? Probably we just need ot talk more and you need to share more with me. I’m open to suggestions…we’re good at talking and working things out when we make time to do it.

He snuck out of work to give me my first-ever newyears midnight kiss.

helped me see that it is easy for both sides to envy the other. i, married to a great guy, envy my single friend’s apparent freedom and carefree lifestyles. meanwhile they envy me and me relationship with a wonderful man, one of which that have not yet found and worry they may not. grass is always greener, but when you meet to discuss it you find we’re all in the same boat.

doing a lot better on this. working hard on changing my attitude, plus working on keeping the house clean is really making everything better. doing my flylady routines makes my head calm down and makes us happier

i am too critical of him. he is working on it, i guess. maybe. ugh i just didnt’ date enough people i think—maybe he’s just not a good fit for me.maybe its karma that i got stuck with someone who’s as bad as me. what he might say about me:

. she doesnt take care of herself

she doesn’t know how to manage stress—everything in her life is a big drama. she has no perspective, has never suffered loss like i have and doesn’t know how to appreciate her relationships and what she has.

she always complains about things about me: i am unorganized, messy, dont have personal hygene, etc, but she’s just as bad as me. she always has acne, goes to bed with her clothes on, doesn’t sleep enough, doesn’t have enough fun, is anti social, is confused.

i cant handle working on myself, let alone trying to help him. so do i just give up on him and focus on myself? i am scared. i am scared of how mean i get sometimes.

its 3 am. I look around and feel so unhappy and frustrated at our life.

our house is a mess—while he does say that’s he’s bothered by it, he doesn’t seem to really mind or get motivated to clean it even though he only worked 2 DAYS A WEEK this entire summer he barely did anything to unpack. and i’ve had so much pain and embarrassment having people over to our house we moved into in june that still doesn’t have pictures on the wall. he’s never once cleaned the toilet, mopped the floor or vacumed of his own accord. i am pretty turned off by his lack of motivation and self discipline, even though mine certainly isnt much better.

i am pretty bad at keeping the house clean myself, but i at least care and spend my free time(which is not that much) working on it.

Also i feel lost spritually. he claims to be spiritual and all and will get very defensive about it, but i never see it. i certainly dont actively share it with him. i worry maybe we dont have the same values and that seems super important.

he spends money without really knowing whats going on, and so do i. to his credit he does take care of paying most of the bills (i make most of the money to pay them but he actually sits down and does it). I am just very turned off by his lack of interest/dedication to keeping his house clean, lack of organization/ lack of personal hygene (he’ll forget to brush his teeth in the am. and not doing haircuts regularly, letting his body go (he’s getting back in shape now at least).

i dont always trust him…i feel like he occasionally lies to me because he thinks i am a nag. i can be pretty mean to him when i get frustrated and feel trapped. i feel like he never wants to leave where we live, and he never wants to move to where i am from. his family is all here, this is where he’s from.

i feel like all i do is work, but right now he is busy too so i cant be too critical right now because he is working a lot, but when i think back to when he wasn’t working alot he spent money.

other complaints:
he never reads. hardly ever. i haven’t seen him complete a book since we’ve been married.

he’s not civically involved nor does he seem interested in becmoing.

he’s not organized…has never had a calendar. never plans social events ahead of time (looking ahead for art shows, bands etc).

i know he wants to have kids eventually and i just cant picture it with the way our life is now. sometimes i worry that he just wants to mooch off me, be a stay at home dad and is just biding his time until then because i am so career oriented.

ugh i just needed to write this down somewhere i would see it, sorry if people read it i just needed to vent. i’m hoping i’ll look at this later and feel better have a better perspective, but i have been miserable at 3 am pretty much every morning since a month or two before i got married. i feel trapped and i feel like, since we never lived near eachother the last 2-3 years before we got married, i didnt know entirely what i was signing up for.

he loves me so much, tells me that i am beautiful every day…notices the little things…like when i actually get dressed up…tells me how beautiful
how cute
how funny i am.

believes in me even when i get mad at him. loves me even when i’m hating myself. tells me he loves me all the time! all the freakin time.

how can i ever compare with this? i am blessed with him for reasons i don’t understand, and should never take him for granted.

i am good at leaving little notes for him around the house. I just bought a teeny tiny bottle with a cork lid in which i plan to put teeny notes. I just left a good morning message.

when he’s out of town, and I’m home, which is usually the opposite, I can stop and think about how I miss him and appreciate him. I think it’s important to be away (from time to time) from those you love and live with/see daily in order to appreciate their role in your life more fully. hurry back, hubs, but I’m happy you’re having a fun boys weeekend and appreciate being able to totally trust you.