What can I write that hasn’t already been written. What can I say that hasn’t already been said. What new thoughts and ponderings can I bounce around my mind like a highly complex trampoline. There is not even blankness. It has been a hard year. Seeming to only have a reprieve early on for that the rest of the times were worse.
I don’t understand it though a lot has changed. I have. somehow. more aware of everything inside more somehow. yet outside I’ve changed too.
Why would I think that in one night’s entry I could wrap up a years worth of questions and consistent bombs deep on almost every side sometimes. It is not going to be done tonight nor likely any other soon. I’m taking one thought at a time right now. It’s unlike any other new year perhaps and maybe that is a good thing? This shadow of a ghost we’ve kind of had to accept for now and be content with to make the most of, the little ghost me waves and smiles, and floats without substance feeling like the world sees right through me to the other side. and nothing in me. Truth be told, I myself am the one who views me as though in context to others I am a ghost. a cute ghost. but still. no ghost is happy to be one and not a person. (and no I don’t believe in real ghosts, I’m speaking more metaphorically or whatever and thinking Casper lol).
for good things in this Christmastime, I am grateful. for color and glass and things i like and little girl dreams. for a woman’s warm heart and the magical touch of beauty she can bring to a home and those who share it even for moments. for many things. and for the care of friends and people at all. for respect of wishes for silence and people to back off some. well some respect lol.
what are my real goals? cf you are so far in the distance and the past, eff, you are bit more recent of a memory…. but me, here, in whatever state I am, how do you name what cannot be expressed? perhaps i will try, shrug, i don’t know. but as the tide comes and goes my sister prayed i would look up to God and keep my focus there. and all i can be in at all really is one thought at a time. and i don’t think it’s clear to anyone here, but I’ve never ever be a woman of one thought. :) not even as a child. and i suppose i don’t quite know how to live for that reason. because i always track 20 thoughts 20 steps forward in all directions before deciding which road to travel. that’s it. I build the roads when I come to a question and then I choose the road. I do that ALL the time. or so I did at least. now i just have the life and presence and awareness to take….one…..thought….and….just….one….step. if it’s from God to me, then it will be okay. but i guess i’ll know after i walk?
resting now from thinking and walking with my fingers farther than they should,
- eff…. lol the ghost of eff lol actually that sounds sad and creepy not funny. :/ need a new nom.