in all the whirling bits of turmoil, choosing.
as much as I can as best I can.
in all the whirling bits of turmoil, choosing.
as much as I can as best I can.
God? so many choices to make….. so much happening.
just… so alone.
my hands hurt
I cried today
I looked up options everyone is telling me to look into even though they are degrading and saddening.
I wish i had big decisions to make that were fun instead.
I did reach out for help and that spurred me on.
I got a reply in a PM from another 43T, and I was so desperate for a word of encouragement to propel me forward, that helped.
Got rejected by the second attempt for help, and saw i had to contact someone i did not want to see again.
the PM reminded me that reaching out for help takes energy, and I realized again the need to for efficiency.
so i called, said what i had to, said i couldn’t come to meet in person, and this is what they’d done before, could they again.
sounds like they will.
not sure where this puts me or how it affects things, but there you have it.
I think I need to remember that no matter how unprofessional or hurtful someone is towards you, it still might be most beneficial to you not to retaliate personally – though you have MORE than a right. You step back and be professional. You do what’s best for you, and take it out on their business. But you don’t let them know the bridge is burned from your viewpoint. It does seem that at least professionally, it’s wisest to walk away, vent fully and freely elsewhere, and then speak your piece to them if needed. But sometimes, their actions aren’t even worth that much respect.
I still don’t know if I like interacting at ALL with these people who wrote me off before. But if this helps, well, then I’m glad I didn’t burn the bridge that likely would have left me more burnt out than anything else.
woke up almost crying today. had a few very sad dreams. not suddenly sad, just steady sad. coming to face again what health makes life like. and screaming at the world in my pain that I did not and would not choose this. but, in the light of day I feel guilty for that because yeah yeah I know people worse. that rarely helps.
someone knocked on my door while I was still asleep, and by the time I got to the door they were gone. go figure. I don’t know if I should go out to church today. I guess I overdid yesterday… but what did I do? :( laundry, laundry, and baking. lots of walking yeah, but. and more than I should have done in movement maybe. but I don’t know.
i can’t always rally when that’s not always the answer. but what is? what is…. what is
this is what I’ve never found – someone who can help me know how to live in moments like this. how to live forward. what to do and how much to gauge when I am in this window of health. when you don’t want to trust your instincts and your body because they are both hurting so bad and sad.
I need to write down the things I run from. I hate them. But I want a different life and a different outlook for it. there are a few things (lies) that are deep down in me still, and i only see it when I’m hurt deeply enough to hit them. then, they spring up like a gushing strong fountain.
I started to write this entry and because it got to honest and personal I kept it for myself instead. It’s not that I don’t want help, it’s that I’ve reached many times and often found it not dependable or lets just say not golden or as good as gold.
so. all i think is maybe start with getting the guts to write it down. to stop. and put it down somewhere. the fears, the worries, the anger, the hurt, the pain. the blah blah blah that is not specific and needs to be specified.
it’s just? that I’m so tired of dealing with issues. half of them aren’t even mine!!! ahh!!lol but really. there has been so much to work through because other people refused to or decided to use me to. i know a lot of what i feel is not new to human existence. but yet i never seem to fit textbook examples in life. people start out to give pat advice and eventually once they hear the details, don’t really know what to say. I dunno. this needs to be about me not them. all the people who I tried to reach out to before. People act like I’m too proud to ask for help, and the thing is yeah I’m too proud – too proud to tell you how many times I HAVE reached out, darn it. sigh.
anyway. it’s just a weird place in the world to be. i don’t want to move forward in life the way i am. the way the past has left me. i’ve been strong enough by God’s love to get out of it and to leave it finally after so long. but, that’s the thing as well, I don’t have that to go back to. I didn’t burn a bridge, I left a house that was burning and my room no longer exists. The door’s gone too. I don’t even have a pull, a real pull, back there. so here I am. and it’s not the problem of wanting to move forward in life. it’s not fitting in anywhere. if there is a sunny flowering life ahead with hope and health and happiness in it, with real good substance, then i the way i am right this minute, only partly belong. thank God, I belong even in part. Praise God for that!!! some of you have seen that in me over the time I’ve been here (and hugs of thanks for the reminders over the time. <3 big hugs and smiles for that friendship and encouragement) but i want to know how to get all the way there. i just want other people in the same journey? or no, not really. I want people, a land of people, who are healed in their souls, spirits, and hearts from the things I left and am still grappling with. that's what I need and want.
i just don’t know for sure how to find them and in the meantime struggles continue as life goes on. but at least I got this much processed out there, and maybe that will help.
with all things comforting (like hugging yourself, hot cocoa, warm milk before you sleep especially with cinnamon and honey in it, and your favorite snuggly soft blanket),
I am going through a really hard time.
I am having a hard time as well finding my health and me worth it. Because of pieces of paper, because of a careless person who happens to hide behind the guise of being a doctor and healthy, because of familiar stories. because. i’m struggling.
and it doesn’t feel like it’s valid to the world. It’s that time where I can’t even reach out for help because I don’t feel anyone would view it accurately. I do not need more judgment, triteness, ignorance, or cruelty.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. but I did sign out of here for awhile and from life for awhile. and that’s when I realized i had a hard time getting myself to eat and a few other things for my health because this ‘thing’ plopped into my lap says why.
I don’t want to delve into it further. I so want life. I so want to live. and that means for right now ignoring it. I guess.
I’m angry. at my doctor. at my sister. at my other sister. at everyone I know who’s health problems have informed my own medical knowledge so that I ‘know’ what your average patient wouldn’t. I knew more than the doctor in some ways. And it makes me think I need to move on somehow, because in 3 years time, what was the worth. the worth of making my story open and vulnerable. when I…. could have found out more info probably myself. I dunnno.
I’ve spent some time yesterday and today rereading through entries from a year ago. I spent time thinking of what really mattered to me now and my life just me. I got it down to only a few things. but I don’t know what I’ll do with those. I’m angry. I hate. I need to use this anger for good and not bad. I’m near tears. and I’m doing the best I can. i’m looking around and loving the good in how my room looks. I’m realizing that if people didn’t know, they would still think I was beautiful and likely a knock-out if I dressed accordingly (there is always someone out there. lol!) I’m remembering a lot of good though my brain hurts to remember, and I’m seeing how smart I am even with a multitude of health problems. I’m bearing up as things bear down, and damn if I don’t turn into a diamond soon. i shouldn’t swear. but does anyone get it.
so step one: I want to stand up to my doctor and not be afraid. I want respect. I’ve been open for a reason, not because they deserved it. and I think they are cowardly to not step up to the challenge but pawn me off… on myself. That’s just low. I hate it. :( and yet I have a lot at stake, and the idea of help is better to me than the reality of not really having that help to count on. :( sigh again.
step two: screw the world and the entire medical industry. i am so sick of sweetly and politely saying, ‘oh excuse me, what did you think about this maybe being a factor?’ and being met with ‘ooohh noooo, you’re not that at all, you don’t even fit, there’s no way you have that.’ and then before long, they come to me with the very same idea, only they aren’t kind about it. they shove it in my face and call me depressed for not reacting like a computer but a person. sigh. getting angry even now. :(
well I stopped and talked with someone who does love me. hadn’t expected to vent. really I didn’t. But they listened. and I tried not to scare them with details, but what i did say helped me process. so. I prayed, I wrote some ideas to tell the doctor, and I finally am cooking so I have something to eat in a bit here.
my weekend – I should be crafting, dancing, and whatever. but I will say this, I’m doing better than when I started this entry and when I was hit with it all a few days ago. I pulled out my medical notes, researched even some, and am moving forward. I am very so proud of myself for that, and I thank God.
but. I don’t want to forget the hellish depth of horror, sadness, anger, and pain someone else’s inconsideration threw at me. (though truth, as I edit this now, I don’t know that I can, it keeps coming in waves). :`( I still want to stand up for myself and hold them accountable. or people tend to just keep doing the same things and going along. however. i’m not sure i’m so good at standing up. :/
better move along for now. 43T feels so very different than it did a year ago. I reread entries and saw such support and saw…. many deleted posts from people who have left or aren’t around much anymore. I miss them. i’m just grateful for them in my life at that time. i left an abusive situation, and i wouldn’t have had the strength otherwise. 43T was part of that support to leave behind people I loved because they chose for themselves to stay.
not that it’s easy. not at all. but maybe some thoughts are clearing the way to know/see the next steps.
I’m exhausted. How are you? :)
yes, i’m beat. but it’s a good thing really. i don’t feel sick just beat from actually doing things!!! I cooked, I cleaned (lots of dishes), I played a record from long ago and sang a bit, I even got dressed up and went out. I looked really good :) that was nice really nice. and I felt like me. that was what was important. I guess this could go under ‘update my look’ because it was another step in that. It really is like they say, about wearing things that fit in every sense of the word. I’m so glad I looked nice. Then, I came home, vented to a friend about something yuck that happened yet again, they made me laugh and also gave me good advice what to do (apparently something. :( I prefer to cringe backward into the shadows and hope it goes away these days. not the case here or the answer. anyway), and then…. I made my dinner! You know that favorite meal of mine goal. :) Later though it will not be the exact day to celebrate by then, I will have my hot pepper and mint tea. but I did pray today.
I went to a place I used to love years ago. It has changed. But there is an empty cross backlit there, and while I know I can pray anywhere, anytime, it’s just a nice place to be. Good memories of friends meeting there long ago as well. So I did pray. and I heard a song later about choosing for your household whether or not you will serve God. I’m a household of one. Normally it’s a guy that leads a family. Again, I’m a household of one. But you know…. it’s the same as I remember thinking a year ago – God will lead me. It’s Him and me. and that is what I ask. The thought of actually being able to serve again and minister to others in whatever way I could…... oh. it’s been so long. and I don’t want to be who I was in that sense. i know I needn’t fear. I couldn’t be like that. I’m so different now. but still, a life is a full thing. It’s not just an existence. There are a whole lot of facets to it, and if God is giving me a brand new one, well then He is going to build a lot. He is going to build me a new life to walk into. and that’s a little scary. and awe-striking.
so. anyway, the thought came today that maybe this new life has a purpose in service. that there is some way and something i could do for God in time. we’ll see. :)
for now. I need to eat again :) check my other goal off I think, and go watch something. truth? I have a few books I need to be reading. but watching and eating is easier. but we’ll see. I need to sleep soon too if I can.
I fervently hope this next week gets better. but oodle-lolly if I know where to walk from here, Lord. I think I want to journal. so maybe I will do that quickly (ahahaha lol) before I eat again.
God? It’s been a good day I guess because I’m writing that it was and seeing myself type it. lol thank You for letting me look so nice. for really looking good. and modest and still beautifully me. and for letting me recognized as being elegant. that still makes me smile at progress and good memories of old.
but, Lord? there is a lot, You know? the one i need to journal about, the sadness there and mix of emotions. I want to have the right heart and spirit on this, Lord. For my own sake, and because You want freedom from all things for me. Thank You also for the discernment in what I heard today. I was able to hear it and interpret it the way I think was right and true and life and truth.
as to the rest. well. i need to eat and sleep, right? so let me just see the truth. me as a beautiful woman, not cast aside little girl. You as so present in my life, leading me daily, and looking out/caring for me, not as aloof and unreachable, far away and too busy to really stop and look or notice or care. and my life. as good, hopeful, founded in You Christ Jesus, and now being built up in You truth beyond truth. not as satan would have me see it. not as condemnation would have me believe, fearful, and every other thought I can’t even remember right now for seeing the truth in Christ. :) that’s nice to find. lol I can’t type the awful things I was feeling. they are blocked right now by Him.
so. whether this makes sense to others or not. truth, I so really wish it did. often I do. but we all choose what we will believe and there are things that others do that I don’t understand because I don’t believe in it. so. another day in the life of me, embraced by Freedom fully. and while that may sound mundane, oh, but it is so not! I’m alive, reborn, and tottering in hope of something my Father is planning. If I can see His care and know in security HIS security of me….. no fear can conquer that. No doubts can penetrate or fly over. I am safe, in my Jesus’ arms. and then when I’m strong enough to walk, we go hand in hand down the path. oh Lord, help me journal what I need, and wrap up the day the way I should as well. Guide me, lead me, and stand up for me where I can’t.
I <3 You, Lord. Truly. I am sooo grateful. You know it,
- cf/eff…. alive.
and i feel a little sad. but mostly i feel misunderstood. and just quiet.
give it time, love, you will get out of this. You always have. God has not died. can’t feel or see Him. don’t want to try. anything. but that doesn’t mean He’s not moving on the big picture for me.
this is a quiet life few people understand. but i’m here in it. and that makes me joined to life and the living. that means there is hope. so i watch and let the void be void….. God can speak into that void existence and creation. i watch and wait and try not to let the emotions that want to be felt come if they are too negative. better emotionless than in the pits.
go to what you know.
but right now. i’m blank.
not certain what to say. having a hard time just winding down and having fun. but I won’t go there. the stress and worrying and dark thoughts. no I will watch fun things and try not to let the worry naggle at me. naggle. what’s the word I’m looking for because that is just not a word even. ? oh well.
There is good. soooo much of it. It’s almost settled with management, and I’ll likely not have to move just yet. not to get all fanatical, but hallelujah for that!!!! shaking my head still, it would have been so hard to have to relocate all over. so this buys me time and we’ll see how the next several months progress with health, life, work, and new endeavours on all accounts.
I told my sister last night that I actually was kind sorta okay I am but not quite saying it ready for someone to come into my life. To actually believe there is a guy out there. gulp. a guy for me. really and truly. I swear I feel like if so, God just created him yesterday because he could not have existed before. lol and now an apartment is vacant in my place and I keep wondering. LOL! :) ever a dreamer huh.
I did lot yesterday. I walked a lot, did more physically, did more mentally, got through an emotional subject with a specialist and didn’t break down, (that happened later with a friend lol and I’m still processing), but sigh still. I’m here. You know what I mean, I’m really here. HERE!!!! I live here. I breathe. I smile. I swish water around in my mouth for some reason (tmi, I know, but I wrote I smile and realized I couldn’t because of well, I had water… okay moving on), I’m here rambling! but it’s because I’m happy I think. :)
there’s this little faint smile that keeps cropping up since yesterday. it has a smidgen of confidence and strength in it, and I love that feeling. I just really need to move slow through this. Life is still yeck in some ways, and I don’t want to move back there. People disappoint. Test results aren’t favorable or confuse. Injuries hold question marks while holding promise too. But I want to bake and find a new recipe, and I want to move my furniture around and deep clean, and I want to take it the last steps and make this place really mine for while I’m here still. Get something for that front door so it smiles at me. Just really be here, and BE OKAY.
Seasons will change, but I can do that. I can slowly go through it. If I don’t do something stupid or allow dumb health and medical trials. and if I just pray and pray and get away from all the stress in life consistently. make it a way of living, because I do have the right to live my life how I want and I want that. I crave that. I so need it. if I’m going to survive and live. and emerge whole, beautiful, free, and me…. even if on a tiny small person scale. :)
gonna get food, maybe make myself watch a cartoon, and then something else, and see how tomorrow goes. The schedule is not what I expected, so I’m a little hmmmm? to see how God works that. I hope it goes well.
wow. really need to decompress here and stop feeling stressed to update and plan and report to people and things. and I really really really want to bake. because I want to eat what I bake. :D
honesty much :)
still here, <3
p.s. and here’s wishing you all a beautiful, pleasant, and peaceful end to your week and beginning of your weekend….. :)
I’m a little maudlin tonight or so it feels. I hurt, nothing new. symptoms increasing. ho hum. but what’s new is some test results. and some friends having major health crisis. and my not feeling well. despite having so much to deal with right now, well it just feels like isn’t this where I will rise above it in the end because it’s just so much that’s what happens in stories and movies? and I won’t settle for less? little sigh. one of my favorite musicians serenades just me tonight as I sit here typing. I dreamed of them last night. That I met them and they snubbed me and walked away once they heard what I was saying. and the thing is that I’ve had dreams like that lately. Dreams where people act in ways they have not before. My neighbor being threatening and mean. They’ve never spoken that way in real life. and I have met this musician before and they were really nice given how exhausted they were after concert. so why? why am I dreaming fears that have no founding or at the least not enough?
people are asking me more about if I’m going to apply for medical help given my condition of ability or lack. I’m accepting it more now, but it’s not the help that bothers me anymore. It’s the accepting whatever my life is as….. this. I know, I’m tired, my health is acting up, there is a lot on my mind and every time it clears a touch something more comes up in life to crowd on in, I know. and I’m handling it well enough. but I got sad today. just a bit, but enough to almost keep from being able to do more of what I wanted. I just don’t know that talking about this will help yet. They say (yes, the nebulous they, this time the medical world) that I have something new. I really did not think I had that. I really did not. I can’t imagine how I got it, and if I did I think it must be recent and not the problems I’ve been having for oh so long. and yet, this stupid stupid medical world in which we all live, they never can agree. (sorry rant little here) it’s just that, (hangs head, scuffs toe) why can’t they decide…. about my life. what’s wrong? I swear I can almost find a doctor that will vehemently disagree for every doctor I find that says I do have a condition. how’s a person to know the truth? medically. does it all matter. yes it does, it’s my life and ability to live it. it’s such a cruel and unfair circumstance in life that you grow up thinking the wise amazing doctors can cure you of everything and then find out, actually they know OH SO very little. I’ve lost count of how many doctors have told me my case has taught them something new, or that there is a lot the medical world doesn’t know. I love science, and as people, most doctors I’ve met are really enjoyable and fascinating to talk with. Well many anyway. lol But it still feels like as a patient, what good can they really do. I know I say this benefiting in my own life from doctors, but it’s not enough. They know it’s not. So, God? Father, Abba, what? where? huh? There’s a question they don’t teach you in journalism. “huh?” Do I just give up on my body ever having a chance at living? It’s still so young, isn’t it? So why doesn’t it feel like that.
well I took a break, folded the last of the laundry, still have to finish putting it up. Listened to my entire CD, and the last strains are finishing now. applause applause applause. Glad I have them to listen to.
moving on now, as we try to move through this and whatever…