Dear 43 Things Users,

10 years after introducing 43 Things to the world, we have decided we have met our last goal: completing the incredible experience that has been 43 Things. Please join us in giving one last cheer to all the folks who have shared their goals with the world, as well as all the people who have worked at The Robot Co-op to build this incredible website. We won a Webby Award, published a book, and brought happiness to a lot of people.

Starting today, 43 Things users can export their goals and entries from the site. Starting August 15, we will make the site “read only”. 43 Things users will still be able to view the site and export their content, but we won’t be taking any new content from users. We hope to leave the site up for folks to see and download their content until the end of the year. Ending on New Year’s Eve takes us full circle.

It has been a long ride (one of our original goals was to "build a company that lasts at least 2 years” - we beat that one!) While we wish the site could live on, it has suffered from a number of challenges - changes in how people use the site, the advertising industry, and how search engines view the site. We wish the outcome was different – but we’ve always been realistic about when our goals are met and when they aren't.

As of today, you will be able to download your goals and entries. See more about that on the FAQ page. Thanks for 10 great years of goal-setting and achieving.

- The Robots.

Export My Content
FAQ

~ Always Free to Choose ~ is doing 14 things including…

Real goals

70 cheers

 

~ Always Free to Choose ~ has written 79 entries about this goal

Word of God speak....

that’s the song that’s on right now. It’s a different version, but it’s good for this moment.
I have so much ability. It’s amazing. I’ve been put together in such an unique way. My background is varied in ways that allows me to understand other people who feel like no one else does as well. My personality is a rare one, but besides that…. I just really kinda cool. lol :) I’m not everything. There are clear things I am not and cannot do, but what I am…. is unusually and amazingly put together. I suppose the term is ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ and part of the marvelous works of God.
Jesus, I feel odd tonight. Live with me here in it please? I’m going to walk into a new era of life it feels. and I honestly wish I was journaling this a journal instead. but i’m not sure I can write that well. it hurts to type more today that otherwise.

but then, I’ve gone through a LOT. the crying and shock and ANGER yesterday. then the dealing, the letting go, the praying, the answer, the shifting to be excited at the good, and be open to the change and surprise of it all. and yet, praying and finding to admit I’m scared. another new season in a different area in life.

stopped to sing along with “My Reflection” and Mulan. I like Pandora sometimes. oh yes, Michael Buble came on. I really like Pandora. lol :)

ya know, since this is still my page on 43things which is still here….. ;) here’s me typing for old time’s sake again….

ya know? I really enjoy music more than for listening sometimes. If I pick what I REALLY just like and finally I’ve started listening to it. hmmm…. my stations on Pandora now allow for sometimes me to listen to a LOT of songs I like that others in family and friends would never approve of, and what I find? :) yes, a slow big real smile…... always…. the inspiration. I hear music and I hear me. I’m one of them. oh I’m not famous world-wide, but I have people who believe in my abilities, and the truth of what keeps me going – I love it too much to hush up!!!! :D Oh! there is so much i want to try out and see where i can go and what I really CAN do. composing, different sounds, different styles, different air around you for it, different feel. and i suppose the main if only difference in my thoughts and excitement now than the years before when I’ve written the same :) is this…. who you look at that… ha. :) I actually am more confident than I was. I have a sure-grounded love that I ‘get it’ and belong inside the music I hear. Not just a longing as a young hopeful wishing that someday I could be there and fit in…. fit in to something like that. I :D (clasps hands and pumps them on either side of head in cheers and victory) I guess. nope, I know… I DO fit. I have found where I fit in. It’s inside the music notes, sometimes jumping from one to another, or other times whirling inside one in a world itself. Flying in streamlined melodies, dancing exuberantly in the greater sounds multiple layers and instruments create anew. and then….. :) what every musician knows to be true, there are moments you love – the silence. the beauty and peace and expanse and rest that doesn’t make you appreciate the music, but makes the music worth even more to appreciate. It honors it or something.

well. it’s late here and I need to finish up house chores. but i did eat finally. and though my troubles are not over….. it was nice to see this and put it in words. I fit now. once where my heart SO longed to be. Present, past. and my hope and desire for the future is to be IN that world and spinning it out from within me myself. And not alone either, working with God to enjoy and to reach through. I don’t know how it will be. sigh. i don’t know a lot about the future. more scary question marks than i can live with. :(but. God. I’m telling you the truth. This time in my life is different. It had to be, and it’s my only hope that it will continue to be and lead to the promise fulfilled. That I will walk into that by somehow walking in that step by step. God, this is time and season or what have you where You know so much more than I do. So for now, help me choose the good and leave the rest to You. I got a birthday gift!!!!! It’s a beautifulhandmade gift. for ME! me! I can’t wait to use it. and it makes me happy to think of. Loved. and happy. and tomorrow maybe I can either cancel the help or have them do less so I can save some money. hm. will see.
stopped to finish my errand and lol stopping again because i see i didn’t! lol did other things that were good. okay. finished now.
A song came on and most people would have no idea that the theme of this pop/rock/fusion style song is from Beethoven’s A minor movement from I think the 6th symphony. But I’ve played it. so I recognize the haunting second layer of the theme dispersed in it rather nicely. i love knowing music that well to appreciate what other musicians are doing as well-versed ones mixing it up. It’s not just a pretty song. anyway…. rambling… :) sigh, but I love cello.

symptom still bothering me. worrying. time to pray. and post this. and see what else to do. need to take the med again. the one causing the symptom but abating others. :/ but.
pray. pray much. and start back on allowing the good. stopping in it. and enjoying and embracing it like a friend for the journey. and take the med when i can, and take extra of what else I have on hand to hopefully help and know…. know that God lets time change things and change change things, and He’s got a plan for our good in the questions I don’t understand. This is what I have to cling to… like static.
- Always Free to Choose (and boy, am i grappling with that tonight i suppose.) cf? truly grappling….



journaling it out.....

I am having doing the best I can to wisely get through this all and process taking steps. leaving here (43t) and not having it anymore. leaving this area. It’s been almost 2 years now since the grand escape from the awful place. and really? It’s taken this time to be rebuilt in my faith, to find my God at all again, to know He sees me and knows me. I matter to Him. Still learning that.
But, it hasn’t worked here like I hoped. and I’m not sure why. but with changes everywhere on the horizon. growing a year older in a significant way, not having finished the big goal of what’s feeling like a lifetime though yet getting to step back into it and take a step forward (!) by God’s hand of grace through it.

where you move, changes everything, doesn’t it? this wasn’t all bad. it wasn’t. I liked it better than where i was. I really did. and still do.

doctors. hcps. that’s what’s hardest to leave. the loveliness of the area. that’s harder too. the memories left unfulfilled with music and friends there, and getting to know people who left and could have been friends if not more than. it’s the processing well so I can let go. To know what is grieving briefly to let go and be okay, and what is really sadness to work through and find a way to fulfill. not sure i said that right but I’m journaling and I shouldn’t be typing. but I did sit in my cozy rocking chair look at my vision board and words up and pray a bit ago. take the time to talk with God and bring this move to Him and wait to hear some. I stopped too soon.
but I’m thinking too what the counselor said. about thinking on ‘direction and walls/fears.’ it was to have it said that maybe she didn’t pray that much or long because it was the first session and she was unsure of how I’d take it. I was wondering why we didn’t open with prayer. :)

ok. so I’m thinking more than I am able to type. :) thanksgiving to God for things. and thinking….. groomed eyebrows b/c of the movie last night. finding some of the songs online that one hcp played and I so loved. now I can listen to it and have it. :) that was just well, nice, of God. :) had a hard time taking vitamins but fought to focus on God and tell Him that even if I didn’t have the good people in my life that He would still be.

It’s where we start. Start WITH Him, and you’ll be more likely I guess to WALK with Him. And all the good things in the day were gifts from Him. the samples that helped me eat. the outfit that made me look cute. the strength to wear it the way I needed. not freaking out from another thing. for the hope…. of creating music like this one day when I can play again. and compose. Lord, YOU know more than any other….... it’s in me. :)
YOU put it there.

direction? nods. that’s it. fears. the details. it not being enough. it overwhelming and consuming me instead of being a beautiful gem in life. but I’d love that.

surprise smile. :) an old ‘me’ song came on. :) haha! just realized the words applicable. “Je Crois En Toi” I believe in you! My desktop says that, and Celine’s singing it. lol follow the dreams in my heart, huh? :)

better head towards bed, not sure how things will go up above, so need to be aware of that as needed. and trust in God. remember, Daniel. Glad, very glad to have read that book. Need to pray about what book in the Bible to read next.

i’m not full yet, strong yet, there yet, grown and tall. standing. but, I’m grateful for the truth….. I’ve grown. :)

- Aftc



just livin'

grateful 4 extra health help 2 day. cost more but was nice.
food, someone known and familiar, privacy, respect, help with flat problems.

went 4 a walk late in day b/c i actually could.
nice weather. tepid if u can say that of it.
seeing streamlined looks and clear lines. feels good for this time of year in decor.
almost through the weekend’s start. and have prayed and put out requests to people for company over it. wonder what will happen. :)

grateful for a PM from a 43t friend asking and imploring me to keep in touch. that meant a lot.

grateful for the peace so far here i feel. don’t want to lose this place, but not seeing that as true yet. not denial but just waiting. I guess?

for every time my health returns a little more. and life with it. thanks be! to God. :)

and for today (day 40), those are my gratefuls/gratitudes. :) tucked as it were in the pages of another goal, secreted away like the charm of the weekend can exude. :)
ok bye!



What

What can I write that hasn’t already been written. What can I say that hasn’t already been said. What new thoughts and ponderings can I bounce around my mind like a highly complex trampoline. There is not even blankness. It has been a hard year. Seeming to only have a reprieve early on for that the rest of the times were worse.
I don’t understand it though a lot has changed. I have. somehow. more aware of everything inside more somehow. yet outside I’ve changed too.
Why would I think that in one night’s entry I could wrap up a years worth of questions and consistent bombs deep on almost every side sometimes. It is not going to be done tonight nor likely any other soon. I’m taking one thought at a time right now. It’s unlike any other new year perhaps and maybe that is a good thing? This shadow of a ghost we’ve kind of had to accept for now and be content with to make the most of, the little ghost me waves and smiles, and floats without substance feeling like the world sees right through me to the other side. and nothing in me. Truth be told, I myself am the one who views me as though in context to others I am a ghost. a cute ghost. but still. no ghost is happy to be one and not a person. (and no I don’t believe in real ghosts, I’m speaking more metaphorically or whatever and thinking Casper lol).

for good things in this Christmastime, I am grateful. for color and glass and things i like and little girl dreams. for a woman’s warm heart and the magical touch of beauty she can bring to a home and those who share it even for moments. for many things. and for the care of friends and people at all. for respect of wishes for silence and people to back off some. well some respect lol.

what are my real goals? cf you are so far in the distance and the past, eff, you are bit more recent of a memory…. but me, here, in whatever state I am, how do you name what cannot be expressed? perhaps i will try, shrug, i don’t know. but as the tide comes and goes my sister prayed i would look up to God and keep my focus there. and all i can be in at all really is one thought at a time. and i don’t think it’s clear to anyone here, but I’ve never ever be a woman of one thought. :) not even as a child. and i suppose i don’t quite know how to live for that reason. because i always track 20 thoughts 20 steps forward in all directions before deciding which road to travel. that’s it. I build the roads when I come to a question and then I choose the road. I do that ALL the time. or so I did at least. now i just have the life and presence and awareness to take….one…..thought….and….just….one….step. if it’s from God to me, then it will be okay. but i guess i’ll know after i walk?

resting now from thinking and walking with my fingers farther than they should,
- eff…. lol the ghost of eff lol actually that sounds sad and creepy not funny. :/ need a new nom.



choosing

:l

in all the whirling bits of turmoil, choosing.
as much as I can as best I can.



oh,

God? so many choices to make….. so much happening.
just… so alone.
((eff))



everything could be worse but:

my hands hurt
I cried today
I looked up options everyone is telling me to look into even though they are degrading and saddening.
I wish i had big decisions to make that were fun instead.
I did reach out for help and that spurred me on.
I got a reply in a PM from another 43T, and I was so desperate for a word of encouragement to propel me forward, that helped.
Got rejected by the second attempt for help, and saw i had to contact someone i did not want to see again.
the PM reminded me that reaching out for help takes energy, and I realized again the need to for efficiency.
so i called, said what i had to, said i couldn’t come to meet in person, and this is what they’d done before, could they again.
sounds like they will.
not sure where this puts me or how it affects things, but there you have it.

I think I need to remember that no matter how unprofessional or hurtful someone is towards you, it still might be most beneficial to you not to retaliate personally – though you have MORE than a right. You step back and be professional. You do what’s best for you, and take it out on their business. But you don’t let them know the bridge is burned from your viewpoint. It does seem that at least professionally, it’s wisest to walk away, vent fully and freely elsewhere, and then speak your piece to them if needed. But sometimes, their actions aren’t even worth that much respect.
I still don’t know if I like interacting at ALL with these people who wrote me off before. But if this helps, well, then I’m glad I didn’t burn the bridge that likely would have left me more burnt out than anything else.
:/
-eff



i

woke up almost crying today. had a few very sad dreams. not suddenly sad, just steady sad. coming to face again what health makes life like. and screaming at the world in my pain that I did not and would not choose this. but, in the light of day I feel guilty for that because yeah yeah I know people worse. that rarely helps.

someone knocked on my door while I was still asleep, and by the time I got to the door they were gone. go figure. I don’t know if I should go out to church today. I guess I overdid yesterday… but what did I do? :( laundry, laundry, and baking. lots of walking yeah, but. and more than I should have done in movement maybe. but I don’t know.

i can’t always rally when that’s not always the answer. but what is? what is…. what is

this is what I’ve never found – someone who can help me know how to live in moments like this. how to live forward. what to do and how much to gauge when I am in this window of health. when you don’t want to trust your instincts and your body because they are both hurting so bad and sad.

:l
eff



real honest

trying here.

I need to write down the things I run from. I hate them. But I want a different life and a different outlook for it. there are a few things (lies) that are deep down in me still, and i only see it when I’m hurt deeply enough to hit them. then, they spring up like a gushing strong fountain.

I started to write this entry and because it got to honest and personal I kept it for myself instead. It’s not that I don’t want help, it’s that I’ve reached many times and often found it not dependable or lets just say not golden or as good as gold.

so. all i think is maybe start with getting the guts to write it down. to stop. and put it down somewhere. the fears, the worries, the anger, the hurt, the pain. the blah blah blah that is not specific and needs to be specified.

it’s just? that I’m so tired of dealing with issues. half of them aren’t even mine!!! ahh!!lol but really. there has been so much to work through because other people refused to or decided to use me to. i know a lot of what i feel is not new to human existence. but yet i never seem to fit textbook examples in life. people start out to give pat advice and eventually once they hear the details, don’t really know what to say. I dunno. this needs to be about me not them. all the people who I tried to reach out to before. People act like I’m too proud to ask for help, and the thing is yeah I’m too proud – too proud to tell you how many times I HAVE reached out, darn it. sigh.

anyway. it’s just a weird place in the world to be. i don’t want to move forward in life the way i am. the way the past has left me. i’ve been strong enough by God’s love to get out of it and to leave it finally after so long. but, that’s the thing as well, I don’t have that to go back to. I didn’t burn a bridge, I left a house that was burning and my room no longer exists. The door’s gone too. I don’t even have a pull, a real pull, back there. so here I am. and it’s not the problem of wanting to move forward in life. it’s not fitting in anywhere. if there is a sunny flowering life ahead with hope and health and happiness in it, with real good substance, then i the way i am right this minute, only partly belong. thank God, I belong even in part. Praise God for that!!! some of you have seen that in me over the time I’ve been here (and hugs of thanks for the reminders over the time. <3 big hugs and smiles for that friendship and encouragement) but i want to know how to get all the way there. i just want other people in the same journey? or no, not really. I want people, a land of people, who are healed in their souls, spirits, and hearts from the things I left and am still grappling with. that's what I need and want.

i just don’t know for sure how to find them and in the meantime struggles continue as life goes on. but at least I got this much processed out there, and maybe that will help.

with all things comforting (like hugging yourself, hot cocoa, warm milk before you sleep especially with cinnamon and honey in it, and your favorite snuggly soft blanket),
- eff



real entry:

I am going through a really hard time.
I am having a hard time as well finding my health and me worth it. Because of pieces of paper, because of a careless person who happens to hide behind the guise of being a doctor and healthy, because of familiar stories. because. i’m struggling.
and it doesn’t feel like it’s valid to the world. It’s that time where I can’t even reach out for help because I don’t feel anyone would view it accurately. I do not need more judgment, triteness, ignorance, or cruelty.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. but I did sign out of here for awhile and from life for awhile. and that’s when I realized i had a hard time getting myself to eat and a few other things for my health because this ‘thing’ plopped into my lap says why.
I don’t want to delve into it further. I so want life. I so want to live. and that means for right now ignoring it. I guess.
I’m angry. at my doctor. at my sister. at my other sister. at everyone I know who’s health problems have informed my own medical knowledge so that I ‘know’ what your average patient wouldn’t. I knew more than the doctor in some ways. And it makes me think I need to move on somehow, because in 3 years time, what was the worth. the worth of making my story open and vulnerable. when I…. could have found out more info probably myself. I dunnno.

I’ve spent some time yesterday and today rereading through entries from a year ago. I spent time thinking of what really mattered to me now and my life just me. I got it down to only a few things. but I don’t know what I’ll do with those. I’m angry. I hate. I need to use this anger for good and not bad. I’m near tears. and I’m doing the best I can. i’m looking around and loving the good in how my room looks. I’m realizing that if people didn’t know, they would still think I was beautiful and likely a knock-out if I dressed accordingly (there is always someone out there. lol!) I’m remembering a lot of good though my brain hurts to remember, and I’m seeing how smart I am even with a multitude of health problems. I’m bearing up as things bear down, and damn if I don’t turn into a diamond soon. i shouldn’t swear. but does anyone get it.

so step one: I want to stand up to my doctor and not be afraid. I want respect. I’ve been open for a reason, not because they deserved it. and I think they are cowardly to not step up to the challenge but pawn me off… on myself. That’s just low. I hate it. :( and yet I have a lot at stake, and the idea of help is better to me than the reality of not really having that help to count on. :( sigh again.

step two: screw the world and the entire medical industry. i am so sick of sweetly and politely saying, ‘oh excuse me, what did you think about this maybe being a factor?’ and being met with ‘ooohh noooo, you’re not that at all, you don’t even fit, there’s no way you have that.’ and then before long, they come to me with the very same idea, only they aren’t kind about it. they shove it in my face and call me depressed for not reacting like a computer but a person. sigh. getting angry even now. :(

well I stopped and talked with someone who does love me. hadn’t expected to vent. really I didn’t. But they listened. and I tried not to scare them with details, but what i did say helped me process. so. I prayed, I wrote some ideas to tell the doctor, and I finally am cooking so I have something to eat in a bit here.

my weekend – I should be crafting, dancing, and whatever. but I will say this, I’m doing better than when I started this entry and when I was hit with it all a few days ago. I pulled out my medical notes, researched even some, and am moving forward. I am very so proud of myself for that, and I thank God.

but. I don’t want to forget the hellish depth of horror, sadness, anger, and pain someone else’s inconsideration threw at me. (though truth, as I edit this now, I don’t know that I can, it keeps coming in waves). :`( I still want to stand up for myself and hold them accountable. or people tend to just keep doing the same things and going along. however. i’m not sure i’m so good at standing up. :/

better move along for now. 43T feels so very different than it did a year ago. I reread entries and saw such support and saw…. many deleted posts from people who have left or aren’t around much anymore. I miss them. i’m just grateful for them in my life at that time. i left an abusive situation, and i wouldn’t have had the strength otherwise. 43T was part of that support to leave behind people I loved because they chose for themselves to stay.

not that it’s easy. not at all. but maybe some thoughts are clearing the way to know/see the next steps.

((((((((ef)))))))))
hugging myself,
- eff



~ Always Free to Choose ~ has gotten 70 cheers on this goal.

 

I want to:
43 Things Login