Try to become my own hero until one comes along

ordered two things I needed without it dragging on forever before I did. I’m still facing ups and downs and decisions, but several kind words and similar thoughts from several different directions are helping at least keep me afloat and be okay. If Francie reads this, I’m sending BIG hugs out to you for your comment. I will reply once I’ve thought it through more. I don’t want to just brush by it. :) It helped too much to do that. But thank you for being one of my heroes/hopeful stories out there and sharing that with me. I’ll write more later, but reading strength from Francie’s comment and from a devotional newsletter I got with a very similar story helped me find strength myself. I’m not there yet, but I’m an inch closer perhaps. hope that made sense.
- efg

rough day. Since I got the ‘good news’ last night, I’ve just had a hard time, and I was already gently coping with a few things from last week. Today, I did get somethings moved and unpacked, but by airing out the place as well, I’m afraid I might have gotten some insects inside thinking I provide free lodging. I don’t. However, free burial, yes. lol (my that’s sounds ghastly lol) Anyway, I hope I can get rid of some before they bother me. :( sigh. So I did move somethings and tried to take care of my slightly inflamed injuries afterwards.

I won’t go into it all because I just feel tired and sad inside. I should have slept earlier, but I’d only eaten twice and needed to take some pills with food. bleh. I could have skipped it, but I don’t like to. I need every little bit of help I can get to make it these days and even think of it helping me recover. Right now I don’t have that kind of hope. Someone today ‘helped’ me with an errand – 4 days after they indicated they would. And then, as they leave, they throw out the information that they aren’t feeling well and haven’t been. They knew I have health issues and am prone to getting things worse than anyone else around me sometimes. So. Unable to think on my feet as well as I once was, I just said shocked, “oh!” and then proceeded to spend 30 minutes of energy I did not have disinfecting anything they touched as best as I could. I was so angry and hurt, but instead it really only lodged as sadness and fatigue.

_{secret. been sharing a lot of these lately, huh. anyway. my secret is that…. I don’t know if I have it in me anymore. I really can’t find it. I don’t have the fight in me to get angry or hurt…. now I just get tired and sad. I wear out in things I’ve held fast to for almost a decade. For some reason even though I have a better shot at sorting out the mysteries of my health problems, more than ever before, even though I have that chance… I no longer feel I posses what I always did – the muster to do it. The internal resources and means. I don’t think that way anymore. I don’t even want to somehow. Somehow I can’t explain it, but part of me died when I left the bad situation I did a few months ago. And part of that me, was the me that held fast to hell. So I want to enjoy life more now, and I’m not as willing to go through bad things. I had to make drastic changes in lifestyle a few weeks after moving because I got health reports that weren’t favorable. I did this. and now I find I don’t really care. I’ve read that there’s a chance these health concerns are not that serious and instead of tracking down the truth further, I just don’t care about adhering to those pain-stakingly kept rules all this time. I could possibly wreck my chances of that hard work making a difference, and yet it doesn’t bother me. There’s a part of me that’s come alive or maybe it’s just walking in a coma is more like it, I don’t know. But that part just looks, nods, and moves right along with whatever it was doing. nothing phases me anymore}

I know, i know… really i do. this will take time. what I went through all these years, and what I went through in leaving it… surely it will effect my emotions and my health. surely it will take time to restore the health of both my body and my spirit. but how can I say and find the words to explain that sometimes I just don’t care anymore and it’s not sadness. I could go there, trust me. but it’s more just my state of mind. I don’t know. I can’t figure it out. but my mind instead goes back to things that are making me sad right now. (and no to anyone reading this without knowing more about me, I’m not just depressed and need meds. There is a reason for this, and I need to talk it out. To be honest, I just need to get well so that I can handle life better.) Anyone who’s had to deal with long-term health problems knows that if they were well, a lot of life’s problems would disappear. So many of them are because you are not well. The disappointments, the careless hurts from others, the thoughtlessness, the barbs not meant to be….. all because you need help or are ‘behind’ in your dreams of life. people don’t get it. I can’t blame them. But I do hate it when they treat you like you have the problem for feeling sad about your life. They don’t have an answer, so they try to find one. Look, if my health is not good, OF COURSE, it’s going to be something I have to emotionally work with dealing through. But that does not mean you focus on that. oh I give up. I’m not going to try to explain. It makes me mad and feel even more helpless. and I’m not helpless. I just feel it sometimes. sigh. I’m stronger than I have been. I see that.

I just don’t see a lot else. and I’m always so tired, and …. I’m so soooo tired of being tired. now my eyes tear up some. I want to say it’s health related, and levels are low or high or something and affecting my ability to cope. But then I do have a heck of a lot to cope with. and yet…. I know it’s likely both, and if my personality is still as strong in stuffing like it used to be… if that hasn’t changed (hope not?), then it IS indeed health that is tipping the scale. but. who will help me. lol sorry I know I sound whiny. but it’s what I find for now. if I’m not well ‘enough’ to get and seek help, I can’t get it. and while that’s wrong, it’s my reality.

so I have to wait (sorry this will sound bitter likely from here. frown) so I wait until I’m stronger, or less tired, or physically coordinated more, or mentally more acute, or whatever it is supremely lacking at a moment, and I get older, and days slip by, and people move on, and kids grow up, and if I didn’t move at least as much as I do, I’D collect dust along with everything else in my home and life. I just need to grieve. that’s what I feel right now. not that it’s the end of everything for me, but that I have to grieve a loss somehow so I can let it go. and that I’m being met with that loss or losses right now, and that’s what I’m having a hard time sorting out. wow, that helped. so what am I grieving?? A few things happened that effected an emotional response and stuckness. 1.) someone strong enough to live a very normal life is working on a promotion I still have not been well enough to achieve. Plus they are navigating towards the one thing I had just realized I actually am so interested in I could throw caution to the wind and go for it. that was hard. 2.) their response confirmed the reality that they really are interested in their own life. Their interest in my life is 20% for my sake, and the rest for how interacting with me affects their own life on some level or the other. My best interest is definitely not at heart. That hurt, and hurt worse for my knowing I was being stupid to think anything less. I’ve been putting off dealing with letting the dream go and seeing reality for a long time. I can’t much longer, but I’m not sure I can make it without the help this contact has been. 3.) 2 conversations with people in need. Both were long and both affected me. I guess both were steps in processing more in my life, but one especially reminded me of some past things that I’m not thrilled at. Made me struggle with it a bit, and I hadn’t in years. I really hadn’t. Trying to regain a balance and some equilibrium. 4.) the ‘good news’ I heard yesterday. Kind of another turning point for me – I’ve had my fill of good news like that. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be there for other people as they go through trials that are a part of normal happy life, while I live in a trial instead of normal happy life. I can’t emotionally be there when their lives touch or taste what mine force feeds me almost every single day. and I hate hate hate that if I open up and say what I feel, I will indeed sound like an embittered dried up woman who is pushing everyone away because of it. oh. _{what I never ever saw even all these years of ill health, i see now I think. you don’t push people away because you are bitter. you push them away because you are hurting so much you can’t handle more hurt. and their happiness hurts. you can’t help it. you try, but there is only so much a human spirit can take.} at least that’s how I feel. ^{and, furthermore (lol) the truth is that you feel like their turning to you for emotional support invalidated all you go through. For example, someone calls and says they thought of me and all I go through because their husband is away and they are lonely and have the flu. Let me say that I am always completely supportive and empathetic. I meet the need calling upon every internal resource usually. At the least I offer something if not a complete turn-around in their attitudes. But. you really mean to tell me that you have the gall or insensitivity to first, tell me your sadness is what my life reminded you of? and second, expect me to lend a shoulder and listening ear when your husband is returning home to you eventually as will your health. How can you dump on me emotionally and drain me of my strength when yours will return before long, and mine. has. not. changed. I still need support. Which you offer genuinely only occasionally or make me feel like I’m always asking for support or make me sense that you steel your inner self from me because you don’t want to be contaminated with the sorrow, loss, and sadness of my life.} I hear it time and again, happy happy happy or at least satisfied in sorrow talking about their lives knowing they can safely trust those emotions with me, and should they ask about mine….. or I mention something. everything dulls, and I’m made to… oh never mind. not worth diatribing over. :(

just going between sadness and fatigue, and anger and disgust oh… and fatigue. lol at least I could write well enough. I’m trying to work on phrasing things a bit more eloquently. I used to have a gift for that, and I still respect that quality of manner and want to get back to attaining it, and not losing what I still have. Not just precision of words (which can escape me now more) but precision of groups of words, of whole groups of sentences. Speech-worthy power and literary polish. :) lol I can try, and it might help my brain a bit too, so it’s doubly worth the effort, eh?

better get that meal in that I stayed up for, and maybe watch something before it expires. and turn up the heat because even after a hot cup of tea, I’m still freezing.

don’t mind me. i’m just processing out all that’s in me because it was one of those times no one was available to listen (no one probably would want to either! lol), and i needed to get it out somehow to move on with whatever this life is I’m in. trying to work it out of me….

- just me today. sad, angry, hurt, take your pick, but always tired and tired of it. sigh. blue rose indeed. lol

Meant to be asleep a long time ago but received a phone call. Yes I was listening to None But The Lonely Heart lol sue me, it’s beautiful with solo violin and orchestra. I wasn’t even sad, just thoughtful and wistful a bit I suppose from something earlier. But anyway, I digress. Someone called me. We’ve only talked a few times, but they are going through a lot. And even though I do not know them really all that well at all to gauge really anything it feels, they needed help, and they turned to me. They didn’t mean it to come out this way I’m sure, but basically they saw no hope for their life given their circumstances and that made them think of me and all I deal with. LOL! It was probably another step in my own process to help them, but I wish I knew how to set better boundaries so I’m not talking for so long at one stretch. Part of me feels like I can never help them, and that part is true because it’s not a quick fix. I ^KNOW that for sure. It takes time, and hearing the truth repeatedly before you can even really hear it, and only then decide to believe it and one day embrace it. I guess my only concern is that I don’t want to be this person’s go-to person. I can’t handle that with my health. I just can’t. I know that. We’ll both end up hurt. So I have to find a way to be what someone else was to me. There except for when health keeps me from it. And this person can understand that just like I did for someone that got me through a lot. But I felt better about not feeling like I had to solve it all. I realized I couldn’t, and I was glad to see that and not feel so pressured to rescue someone and not be able to. I helped them see they could change and in time be someone else and rescued for it. or something like that. I know their view of God was better after the conversation, and that’s what I always needed. Still do. Just need to keep thinking through emotional boundaries and just boundaries in general. We’ve only had a few conversations and they’ve been loooonng and rather deep. That’s in my past experience not a good foundation for a friendship or any interaction. So need to smooth it out somehow or something. It’s new territory for me. It all is. I see more than I did before, like for example it’s not good the way things are, but I’m not sure the answer. Might try to talk it through some with another friend or journal it or sleep on it and pray too. ;) yeah that could help. lol

but. I helped them feel better after the long conversation. I really did, and that was good. Felt like I gave them something solid to hold onto for a good while. Not sure what it was I gave, but it was something! And if they see me as tragically brave (lol!) well so be it until they see otherwise. Eventually they will see that I bleed too without background music playing in those moments and camera close ups. They will see perhaps pain instead of understanding from having been in pain. And they will know that everyone is the same – trying to cope and learn and grow and heal and live and be okay dealing with and through whatever it is on their plate. And they’ll find the courage that God put inside themselves to uniquely be their own hero. I’d like to stop for a minute and say to anyone reading this, to those of you who were where I am now when I was where this person is now…. thank you. I see what you saw then, and while I’m still processing and growing and whatnot a lot, thank you again for being there and cheering me on. Praying. Supporting my life. Holding my hand and sending a hug. Thank you for your words and your stories and examples. For sharing your pain and your heart and your hope…. because they did make a difference, and still are as I share that same stuff with someone like this person.

And now I finally prepare to head to bed later than I planned, and not knowing when I finally will sleep and if it will be later still. And yet, God? didn’t I just hear myself affirm truth after truth in my own voice. Like that wasn’t You doing that and setting that up for me. For me to get to share all I did with someone a few steps further back in the journey…. it had to be good for my own somehow. I feel some tension and pain and if I pay attention I will feel more in my body. There is still worry and confusion or just what?! over some of the stuff happening in my body…. but my heart, is so much better. not healed. no. but no longer cracking every day into microchips so tiny it was starting to get ground to fine dust. There was no putting that back together with glue or tape. I don’t always feel like I am better, but then I talk to someone and see how easy it is to laugh again. Oh God, I remember and You do too, when I couldn’t laugh. When I heard a rusty laugh and realized it was my own. To find I have an arsenal of things to work and help in the rough times – sure I make it sound like chocolate sundaes at an old-fashioned ice cream parlor on a gorgeous fun summer day, instead of brownies in bed while you’re too sick to lift your head to eat them or too tired to chew… so you break off tiny pieces and let the crumbs melt in your mouth as you dream about that chocolate sundae and parlor and summer day. But you’re there, you really are. I never realized how firmly I believed in dreaming lol until I started writing about it here. People in RL would make me feel utterly foolish for it, but I tell you, somehow it helps. Maybe it’s not the absolute healthiest thing to do, but it’s healthy still. I heard myself explaining about the neuropathways of the brain and how accessing good memories makes them more accessible in the future, and the more you do, the more you train your brain to go to good things instead of bad. I heard myself talk about memories and brain function and recall and how good it was for you etc. and right now I am hearing my muscles hurt from typing and saying I need to go towards my bed, dear lovely verbose little orator that I am. :) lol

but today…. i might have been someone else’s hero. all because God along the way helped me learn how to be my own more than before. Such pain, such horror, but I’m not there in this minute. I learned some tools to fight with, and I learned that God rescues His own when they meet the end of their every ounce of strength and will. There are still tools I don’t have or understand, and still a lot of questions in life, which mean fears. I still have m-o-u-n-tains to climb, and I still have unseen curves in the road which I’m certain are sheer drop offs and I will have to learn to grow wings (sorry couldn’t resist lol!!!) or learn to rock climb. but tonight, I want to delve back into where I caught a glimpse of where I’ve been. In the sense that you know what? for everything I’ve suffered and still deal with,... lol but I think this person in some way unbelievably actually envied _me!!!! I laugh shaking my head because it reminds me of someone who inspired me years ago and how I envied what they had inside even though they didn’t have a full body outside. I’m not him, no, I’m nowhere near as amazing, really! But man has it been a long road and taken a lot of work, and almost killed me to get this far. ^{and God? I don’t know what’s coming next, but inside…. this warrior is still just a child…. and this hero is still needing to be lifted out and led, rescued to freedom. Help me to dwell on the fact You rose to life after the cross. To life. Help me not to get stuck on the death of the cross and never make it to the life afterwards. That’s where my mind needs to dwell…. and help us both, this dear person, and me to dwell there and know the safety of life after every death we might face. It’s so easier said than believed, but one step. that’s all it takes to be getting closer to where I want to be. and for what it’s worth, hm, thank You for that conversation tonight.}

sweet dreams to all and to all a goodnight, :)
toddling off bed-ward,
~ embracing_freedom_gradually

I’ve not let myself go places that made me sob a few days ago. I won’t think about it. I will eventually, but not now. Especially with more storms in life coming this week. I won’t go back when I need that energy to make it through these next ones.

so. all in all, I suppose I am rather happy. not 100% rebounded physically from it, but better. able at least to think about taking my shower today and washing up dishes. Cleaned some of the floors the other day and decided to throw out the meat I was supposed to cook and then time just changed that. I hate to throw food away, especially since I know how much it costs and how hard it is to get. But it’s true that when it does happen and you wonder if the food is still good, compare the price of it to the price of your health or your loved ones. c’est vrai. no comparison.

_{but you wanna knowa secret? :) i think i might actually at times be doing not that bad given everything. I mean so I’m still not unpacked, still have frustration with that, still have health issues, and past people issues, and struggling to make a new life and transitioning issues etc. etc. etc. lol but at times i’m not doing badly faring here. i mean i can still function many times with the ways things are. i mean i don’t want them that way, but it’s been improved enough and I’m managing at times. not sure this is writing out right. but anyway. i like the possibility of being happy at times, and i want to stay thinking in it some more. that was the life I wanted anyway…..}

so shower, dishes, already trimmed my nails, ate pretty fun food (whipped something up last night while I was procrastinating something major lol and they are right – if you let it set in the fridge awhile so the flavor melds it really does taste better!! so that was fun.) took my vitamins etc. Progress after a rough deeply rough time is just getting back and through basics of taking care of you. so if I can just kickstart threw the shower and the dishes to realize the goal is not them – the goal is on the other side of it – the goal is freedom and space that is creates. That moment when you are standing on the other side with it behind you a few steps. that’s the goal.

and I have a great miniseries to watch as I get through the next storms in life.

looking past the goal,
- efg

Talked about some past stressful stuff because I felt like I had to defend my current actions. And then I talked with some of the people from those past stressful situations, and it tore my heart and peace apart even further to hear the stress in their voices and how they are living with it. I can’t shake it off. I tried music. I tried praying. I tried calling someone, but they didn’t answer. I tried eating and continuing like normal with the day. I tried watching TV. I tried cleaning. I feel a little better, but it’s still pulling me down. I don’t have an answer for it. For the sorrow and feeling in my heart. I don’t know what to do with it, and so it festers inside, and suddenly I’m sighing because I haven’t been breathing well. and I’m tense and I can feel my energy being used up in that tension. I’m trying to distract my mind with a movie, but I need answers Lord, and I don’t know what to do. I’m not in the pit. But I know that is where this line of processes will lead if those questions and pain go unresolved. I’ll try to wait, and be patient for You to send the answers and help. Please send it soon. Because I will only hold out so long before I do something stupid, and I don’t want more issues in life because I was trying to cope with the old ones.

there. I said it. Had been putting it off all night in hopes I wouldn’t have to write this. But I feel just a very small bit better inside. now to finish watching TV and see how the rest of the night goes from here.

-efg

just feeling a bit alone. my place is finally slowly looking like something I had in mind. I had to accept and ask for a lot of help to get it this far. Unfortunately my meager support system is changing again here, so any further help will have to be resought out. I think my energy is a bit better but you just never know. still problems every day. today I admit it, I was a bit depressed. I had talked with one of my sisters a few days ago and after listening to all the amazing happenings in her life which to be honest I really didn’t care that much about but cared about her so I listened, she didn’t really want to listen to me. Is it because somehow she didn’t feel listened to? Or is it something else. Somehow my current situation has to bring up some of her own past issues in life, but instead of finding the support I thought for sure I’d get from her without a moment’s doubt, she was more supportive when I was in the fray still. I do not understand that. But it’s bothering me. It really bothered me the other day and made me feel so alone. And since then I’d thought about talking about our relationship and why I feel she distances herself from my life emotionally. She trusts me to talk to. She needs a friend. I’m glad she feels she can trust me and talk to me, but I wonder if it’s not out of respect. I don’t know. But when I was down today I wanted to reach out to be reminded that I was going to be okay in life, and I wanted to turn to my sisters. But I couldn’t. I didn’t feel the security in the one sister’s friendship as just mentioned and the other? I turn to her for everything that I’m afraid I will inevitably end up putting her on a pedestal of perfection, and I don’t want to do that. Anyway she is going through a lot, and I didn’t want to dump on her more worries and stress. so I curled up into a ball, tried to read my Bible, really poured out my heart to God more and just rested. It meant I got a little late to somethings but it worked out.

Do I just need to chill and rest here? take it slow? how can I? There is so much to be done to settle in here still and if I don’t then other issues keep coming up. pest control, weather conditions, neighbor conditions, just everything. i dunno. I won’t get discouraged again…things got better later, but that’s how it goes. ups and downs like waves. I’m sure this is emotional fallout from my finally escaping living in the closest thing to hell I’ve ever known. But it’s just almost predictable. Up and down with such regulation. I know if I’m happy I will be sad before long, and vice versa. It’s not even drama, it’s just an odd sense of normalcy to it. I can’t explain.

just need a place that feels like a hug because I caught up on a friend’s blog and my heart just cries for the reminder of the pain out there that others suffer through. I was just telling a friend the other day about the same thing. This friend is headed to an impoverished area to help in volunteer work there, and I was saying how my heart aches for the kids right in the area I live in. Then I read the blog today and saw how it is in every country I guess. Everywhere in the world, children are hurting. And it breaks my heart. ♥

I think of another friend still dealing daily with a toxic living environment and planning with every ounce in her how to make her own escape. and I remember. I remember those days in my own life not long ago. i so never thought I’d be here. I didn’t know this place existed. the living through the pain and living to get out just before it kills you. such a different path than any of the ones I could ever have conceived in my brilliant mind.

and then I think of my life now. and my battle now and struggle with my health. a friend we’ve missed having around for awhile is not doing well and though I’ve never seen her smiling face in person, we’re all wondering and remembering… just her. no words to explain it better.

and I look and I see and nothing has changed in that people everywhere are going through HUGE and difficult things. and all I know is that my own path is again and again not what I expect. My mind is changing on my view about my health. Thoughts are at work and I think God is doing something in me. I hope it’s Him and not false hope. If I dare to hope for this, what would be left of me if I found out I hit a brick wall there too. This is one thing I cannot walk away from. I cannot escape my own health unless it’s cured. I can’t leave without resolution like I can a situation or a job or other things that are so hard for the emotional connections or financial but otherwise, honestly, it really can be left.

yesterday I might have made a few new friends. to a little 6 year old I’m the new novelty in life. another friend came to help today and God guided me (I so wouldn’t have dared to otherwise – that I know!), and we (okay she) got so much done! Progress for my life because of her help. I managed a few household chores, and I need to see if I can muster strength to cook before I sleep (I find I only eat breakfast well when I prepare it the night before). so.

i meant to watch something to celebrate so much happening today when I’d woken up feeling worse than before and not well. but the day is almost over since I feel increasingly sleepier. I could flop into bed right now and be dreaming before the dust settled. my heart just still is weighted though. and you know what hurts it the most? not that there are kids out there tonight living in fear and torment. that’s not even the worst of it to me. the worst is that there are a million (well lots anyway) of adults in those very countries. Adult which have power little kids do not. and. they. do. nothing. SO many are ill-equipped by choice. They can’t handle the thought of such horror and don’t want to be tainted by it. They want to protect their lives and family from the harshness of the world yet in turn show that very harshness to those innocent and desperately in need. I hate people like that. I’m not sure if I should, but I can’t help it this minute. I hate so much people with perfect lives who refuse to help others. I can think of a family whose kids were my age and grew up in an awful area. Drugs, abuse, alcohol, crime of every kind under the sun. and this family just built their fences and security systems. bolted their big imposing doors and fences. shut out the world and yes, their kids were unscathed by the crime around. that is indeed a huge and good thing. but. those kids faced horrors of other kinds within those walls, and maybe just maybe if those people had reached out to help others not as well-off as they were, maybe they could have found healing for their own home. I don’t know. I really don’t. It’s so easy to take your anger and pain out by judging others. Those kids lives might have ended up wrecked perhaps. But all I know is that I hate with all my heart being with people who cluck their tongues at other’s misfortunes and walk right on by. Or worse those that freak out in horror and run. It’s your pain, not theirs. What right do THEY have to react to what you are enduring and run away from it instead of trying to help you.

i’ll go stop ranting, but it helped a bit. that is really what bugs me. those who can help and withhold that power. I really need to be aware of that in my own life. I feel like I have so little to give. Mostly because so much was taken from me along with my health. Part of me can’t get over the loss of so so so much. But I am still here. There is still good I can give. And even though it tears my heart down when I can’t be consistent, or when I realize how much potential I have that will only ever be just that… potential unless I am cured and well someday. even though it hurts to fail, what about the times I succeed. what about the times I make someone smile unexpectedly from their soul up. about the times I say the right thing and help someone’s spirit stop holding their breath and breathe instead again. What about the times I can hug a little girl and make her feel secure and safe, what about the times I can make someone else’s life better. i know we don’t all live on the verge of trauma and loss every day, but some of us do. and i can’t think anymore to assess each person I meet’s life and how I can help or not help. i can’t because I no longer have it in me. but for all i can’t do, i still exist, and life is powerful. Life makes a difference. it just does. it always does. and I choose today to live. because I am alive and I can. and while tears blur the page a bit at all of this…. maybe, maybe if I can choose to live, choose to be me for the hours or moments in a day when I can, maybe i can do as much as my part can be for now and make a difference. maybe i can inspire others to action, maybe i can lift their cares a bit so they can do what I cannot. I don’t know what God is doing with my life and in my life, but I know it’s turning out to be far far off the beaten track of most peoples. and yet, it’s enabling me to relate TO most peoples pain at least if not other areas of their life. I don’t know why God is letting and using all the horrors in my life to shape my life into such a way – I can’t see the path further on, but I CAN look around right now, and I see flowers, little tiny star-shaped ones lifting their face to nice weather, and I see green shades of grass around and I see a small easy going dirt path that I’m on that winds on through to what looks like paths of sunlight through the trees and I just know. _{i know none of that was there before. because I wasn’t there before. Lord, I want to believe that it gets more and more beautiful and I get more and more free from oppression. Show me what to believe. and help me choose wherever I am, wherever!!! I am, to live as me when I’m able to. to know I can’t always, but to not let the pain and disappointment of failure and unpredictable pain and disappointment lol have anything to do with the times I can spread light and life and flowers and color and wisdom and love and joy. not intentionally, not with effort, just by letting myself live all You have put into me. I do love, You, LORD. even if I still don’t understand it all and struggle much. I love You, and You alone know fully why.}

- efg

but until I edit them or revamp them, here’s a close enough entry.

I need to do something fun. just comforting and fun. I guess I’ve been hit with a few things this week and am coming of a double health flare up as well. Soo soooo tired, and I know I’m not the only one. But it just feels like I don’t know. Like I need to shore up because it’s left me a might too vulnerable. Cried three days in a row. The amazing thing is that most times I didn’t cry hard. I couldn’t. It was like cry, cry real, but almost like there wasn’t that depth of pain to hit as low. not sure what that means. but i think it’s a good thing.

so. i need to talk to a listening understanding ear. i need people connection. real connection not just trivial. i’ll be seeing a few in a few moments, but they are likely tired after work and it won’t be long or involved. It’ll be work-related. hmm. think they are here. going to check. nope.

I pushed myself today. did lots. lots said with a sigh. I likely made my injuries a little unhappy. I admit it was dumb, but I’m not good at asking for help. And the problem is I been given good reasons. People don’t always do things the way you want them done or need them done. I can ask for help when I don’t know the answer, and I’m scared, or just realize I need outside help. That I don’t know or have the key to this situation. But as for things I can or at least used to be able to do for myself. That’s where I struggle. Who to ask, when to ask, how to ask, frown. It’s validating when I can do it myself. I get it done exactly as I want it. usually. lol :) but I’m finding that right now, well, _{it’s taking even longer than “normal.”} so. either I wait for oh about 1 1/2 months and then unpack everything and get everything great. OR I ask for help somehow. without stressing myself in figuring OUT how either. lol

sometimes I wish I could just point my finger and move everything the way it needs to be. Like a mouse on a screen, just click and drag with incredibly minimal effort. lol I can look at a space figure out how things should go, but there I lie in bed resting my weary body. oh well. we’ll see. there are worse problems. and right now I need a hug in my soul in my heart. a tight hug that squeezes out some of the worry and staring-eyed tension, and creates space to breathe again once they let go.

better rest a few before people arrive.
waving,
- efg

I’m ready I think to start afresh. To go towards joy, happiness, light, and life. To finally let go in a big way of a lot of the darkness, baggage, chains, and just I’m ready for the shedding to be over, and the new life to start. something like that. it’s not sounding how I want to say it.

I’m ready to stop worrying about having everything unpacked and settled because it would mean I somehow was still attached the old life. I’m ready to stop fearing that I won’t get it all spotless and perfect because I still feel like a street kid from the old life’s lies. I’m ready to let go.

I’m ready.

and I want to walk into that life that’s all around me waiting quietly for me to let it hug me and rejoice in God making me anew.

- ready

My heart is torn apart, my dear,
My heart is torn apart.
I cannot make you find the help
To heal your own torn heart.

I know I’ve made a difference, dear
I know I’ve helped for real
But I need out and you want in
But I never made a deal.

And so you stay and so I go
And yet how can I bear
When you are here, married to fear.
Me, wondering how you fare.

I try to be my own hero, brave
Fighting, rescuing, strong,
But truth be told I waver most
When I can’t rescue you from Wrong.

So I love you, love with all my heart
But that heart might die if I stay
And so I have to trust the truth
That you choose for yourself your own way.

goodbye, my dear, I will be here,
but you must come to me,
I cannot go back to that hell
When I have the choice to be free.

And whatever you choose, you choose…you choose!
and whatever it is, I’ll try, but ‘tis time to do so
from a far, so I’ll pray but I must say goodbye….