Make time to enjoy cooking... because I secretly think I do!

so very much. Life has just gotten yeck! lol for lack of accurate words. And it’s been that way most of this year. My dreams right now are hopes of moving away, cooking again in my own little kitchen, feeling the freedom to live as I choose more than I can now, having back some of that energy that’s been drained from having to live with people that are energy-drainers, having color-schemes I enjoy and decorations that mean something dear to me. I long for the day, that day, when I am sitting in my own little place again in that “place” in life I’ve tried so hard to create for myself….with the aromas of bubbling deliciousness wafting through the air, surrounded in the arms of crooning music that’s happy and dreamy filling the space around me with it’s happiness to just be played and enjoyed, sitting there with a cup of steaming hot tea….. savoring it all, nestled up on my couch or overstuffed chair and footstool…. breathing freely for once without fear. without fear!. absorbing the sunlight coming in through windows to remind me it’s okay outside my little world too. how. I. crave. that.crave it. :’(

and I don’t know. I don’t know just what that little new home of mine would look like. what horrors might have to be faced there to become memories I loath to carry. I don’t know if life will be more difficult instead of …. easy…. like I dream of. My health and body don’t make life easy, I get that. But that is perhaps why I am coming to crave easy where it can be taken, instead of always, always, always choosing the challenging path. sigh. i always do. and i don’t want to be her anymore. right or not. i choose. and i choose not to live that life anymore.

will the walls close in on me there? will allergies ensue? will pets become an issue, or maintenance cause strife? will new neighbors really like me as much as they expect to (never a good thing to have positive expectations to live), will I be able to face the loneliness, the sorrows, the…. grief and letting go once I’m finally in a safe, warm enough place to let go and grieve?

I. don’t. know. I really don’t. and it’s okay I think. Because it’s like I said months ago…. I will not die here, I will find a quiet peaceful place and die there, fine, but not here. lol So if I do finally move, oh not to the place I dreamed of, but a place that could at least support my life instead of tear it down (oh I so hope), then even if I plunge to the bottom of despair again…. I won’t be here. I will have gotten myself by God’s allowance out of here. If I can get it out of me, will be the next step. And yes, love, it might be scary. but haven’t you done so much of the work already? yes there’s more, but you truly have done more than you know. don’t lose heart, love. never lose it…. because right now is the storm before the calm. no one likes to rebuild after torrents have devastated. but right now is darkness before sunrise. It’s starting to get lighter I think, but it’s still unknown. oh how I hate how scary that is. terrifies me to the core.

well I’ve written enough, and speaking of food, ‘tis past time to eat! I may not have gotten to cook it, but I can be thankful I can eat it. More people than we realize can’t due to poverty or health.

please, God, please. You and I have had such a rough time this last year. please, pull me out. save me from re-injury and bad decisions. be my discernment and guidance. rescue me. and don’t let up until I am truly safe. protect me please… because someone or something out there does not want my life to make it and exist for some reason. and only in You can I defy them. I don’t understand You and how it all works. My faith has been jolted and smacked around even as I have. You’ve got to look out for me more than normal, please, because I’m trying but I’m still wounded and weary as I try to find the way out. It hurts to think. So protect me as I try. please.

always,
~ choosing_freedom

and hoping/praying for the guts too.

Dear little goal, you were wonderful to me! Thank you so so much. I may re-visit you a bit altered later on in life, but for now, you more than served (ha. ha.) your purpose…..

~ and brought a lot of joy into one little person’s heart….
thank you for that,
~cf

and didn’t have the stuff I needed to cook what I wanted, so what am I doing? Trying a new recipe with what I do have. American style chili. I have it all the time, but I don’t think I’ve made it in years. I get it frozen, and it’s a quick meal.

So this should be interesting. So far, got the meat, got the diced canned tomatoes, got the chopped onions and spices, and the beans…. we’ll see. :)

ah! just tasted it and it was okay, but needed something, so um I added somethings... and now it’s over-spiced! lol oh well… not bad for the first try though. not bad at all.

a little watery, beanie, and missing something. but recognizable! and anyone who doesn’t like it can fend for themselves for dinner!!

fun to have made, though :)
~ cf

and think I am almost done with it. Because? I think it’s led to room for new goals like trying out new recipes or something else like cook when I’m stressed or cooking as an outlet. keeping up with cooking, taking it to the next level, or something like that. I do want it to still capture the freedom and joy this goal brought me. It was one of the few on my list I really liked. The others have “survival” or “necessity” or “must” written somewhere in their essence it feels. :)

but {happy smile} I have… I have made time to enjoy cooking because secretly I really do. and it’s been one of the few joys I’ve had these last few months. Where I can forget my worries for a time, cook with the company of fun music, and feel like a mad scientist concocting something as I throw in spice after spice while my little stove top bubbles up my then obviously very flavourful dish. haha! :)

and it reaffirms to me that I can take care of myself. That I can still learn new skills and even master them though my health is not what it used to be. _{and as long as I don’t keep a bottle of arsenic stashed beside the salt, it’s not like I’m going to make a deadly mistake if I do blunder!}

so…. here’s to more happiness and joy, not letting it go with this goal, but letting it grow and flourish into something beautiful I hope. :)

my little kitchen, this is what you would have noticed as you flew by….

Outside – my little window propped open to hear the sound of the pelting rain.

Inside?....

smells of spaghetti sauce bubbling as the water reduces, and sounds of Cinderella and the little mice singing to me as I find comfort in cooking and old memories. Today things are hitting me harder than yesterday.

My pastor says where this is no vision the people perish. But I can’t dream anymore. I hear myself say Cinderella’s words later in the movie, it’s no use, I can’t believe anymore.

I won’t recount all I’ve lost in life or just lately, there’s no hope in that. But I don’t have a dream anymore, really. My heart or whatever part of you dreams, honestly no longer has the ability. So we’ll see what happens with that.

He also said that I need an outlet. Something besides health, and certain difficult situations I’m juggling… just something unrelated to either, something that’s my passion. Now, I don’t think I can dare to find my passion or whatever again. I don’t dare remember what that used to be because I’m too scared to lose it again. I’m not ready to dream again yet or find my passion and delve back into it. It’s too dangerous for my little heart to dream. It hurts too much. seriously. But it is true that most everything I am still trying to do is related to health or dealing with those situations I hate. I’m coping, I’m trying to deal. And these are the things hanging around my neck trying to drown me. Who has time or energy for anything else?

but I’ll pray. pray for an outlet and vision for the future, if I can be sure GOD puts it in my heart. Because then I can hold Him to it. :) and He will come through. Otherwise, it just hurts to dream after so many have been broken, and you still fight and dream, and then those shatter in front of you, or just end up hurting so incredibly much in coming true that it’s almost not worth it.

so for now…. I’ll watch clips from Cinderella, drain my noodles, and I don’t know. maybe take a break from every day life, forget the clock and do something else. not sure what. but we’ll see.

cooking is a start. :) so is dear old Cinderella….. :)
_{p.s. oh and for the record, I can’t stand the sequels. that had to be said. lol :)}

~ cf

I’m smiling because I just cooked a delicious meal (excuse my manners, my mouth is currently full in testament to this fact). :)

And while it always helps to be hungry so that you like what you cooked, this is just what I needed since I woke up really sick from too much of the wrong thing last night.

strange day. hard in a lot of ways, but good too because God was reachable. There and with me. Not the way it used to be, but as long as He is there, I’m okay.

off to finish I Kings!! :D
oh and my cooking too,
~ cf

yippee!! wooohooo!! :)

_{not to mention rather tasty & aroma-therapeutic to boot! lol}

I’m turning off my ringer and cooking myself a delicious dinner. Maybe my life does [fill in the blank with any negative, hopeless comment] right now, but today I’M telling me I’m worth just a little bit more than I feel. Not worth oodles. not feeling that! lol But worth some time at least.

hugging myself,
~cf the secret chef

I shall go cry…. while I chop the poor little onions for my stir fry. :D

ahhhh…. European cafe music and a quiet few hours cooking…. almost makes the tiredness manageable!

thank You, God for the little things!
~ Cf

Edit: wow. have mercy. who knew onions could be such vindictive little things. they’re worse that a break-up! lol!!

I really love being able to throw things together and substitute stuff when I don’t have what I need. Can’t wait until next month when I can hopefully do this more and explore new dishes!! :D