so very much. Life has just gotten yeck! lol for lack of accurate words. And it’s been that way most of this year. My dreams right now are hopes of moving away, cooking again in my own little kitchen, feeling the freedom to live as I choose more than I can now, having back some of that energy that’s been drained from having to live with people that are energy-drainers, having color-schemes I enjoy and decorations that mean something dear to me. I long for the day, that day, when I am sitting in my own little place again in that “place” in life I’ve tried so hard to create for myself….with the aromas of bubbling deliciousness wafting through the air, surrounded in the arms of crooning music that’s happy and dreamy filling the space around me with it’s happiness to just be played and enjoyed, sitting there with a cup of steaming hot tea….. savoring it all, nestled up on my couch or overstuffed chair and footstool…. breathing freely for once without fear. without fear!. absorbing the sunlight coming in through windows to remind me it’s okay outside my little world too. how. I. crave. that.crave it. :’(
and I don’t know. I don’t know just what that little new home of mine would look like. what horrors might have to be faced there to become memories I loath to carry. I don’t know if life will be more difficult instead of …. easy…. like I dream of. My health and body don’t make life easy, I get that. But that is perhaps why I am coming to crave easy where it can be taken, instead of always, always, always choosing the challenging path. sigh. i always do. and i don’t want to be her anymore. right or not. i choose. and i choose not to live that life anymore.
will the walls close in on me there? will allergies ensue? will pets become an issue, or maintenance cause strife? will new neighbors really like me as much as they expect to (never a good thing to have positive expectations to live), will I be able to face the loneliness, the sorrows, the…. grief and letting go once I’m finally in a safe, warm enough place to let go and grieve?
I. don’t. know. I really don’t. and it’s okay I think. Because it’s like I said months ago…. I will not die here, I will find a quiet peaceful place and die there, fine, but not here. lol So if I do finally move, oh not to the place I dreamed of, but a place that could at least support my life instead of tear it down (oh I so hope), then even if I plunge to the bottom of despair again…. I won’t be here. I will have gotten myself by God’s allowance out of here. If I can get it out of me, will be the next step. And yes, love, it might be scary. but haven’t you done so much of the work already? yes there’s more, but you truly have done more than you know. don’t lose heart, love. never lose it…. because right now is the storm before the calm. no one likes to rebuild after torrents have devastated. but right now is darkness before sunrise. It’s starting to get lighter I think, but it’s still unknown. oh how I hate how scary that is. terrifies me to the core.
well I’ve written enough, and speaking of food, ‘tis past time to eat! I may not have gotten to cook it, but I can be thankful I can eat it. More people than we realize can’t due to poverty or health.
please, God, please. You and I have had such a rough time this last year. please, pull me out. save me from re-injury and bad decisions. be my discernment and guidance. rescue me. and don’t let up until I am truly safe. protect me please… because someone or something out there does not want my life to make it and exist for some reason. and only in You can I defy them. I don’t understand You and how it all works. My faith has been jolted and smacked around even as I have. You’ve got to look out for me more than normal, please, because I’m trying but I’m still wounded and weary as I try to find the way out. It hurts to think. So protect me as I try. please.
and hoping/praying for the guts too.