New Testament. want to read it again since parts I read were years ago. but technically now I’ve read it all at least once. Reading Old Testament now. Ezra was surprising, and Nehemiah I’m really liking so far. He writes so different. It makes me smile, and I rather like him. We’ll see how the book ends. This is not an active goal on my list, but it is in my life, and I’m grateful because it’s making a difference.
trying to hold on in a crazy spinning world,
- choosing gradually to embrace freedom
for a more practical goal at this point: one step.
and goodness knows that step could take a lifetime the way things are right now. but this isn’t giving up the goal still either.
I stopped. I was angry. really really angry. I talked with a friend from long-ago that I thought I’d never really reconnect with. Long story short, they don’t understand my situation, but they did tell me I had to read my Bible and not to stop. lol I hate it when that happens. lol And they did give clear indication that they care about me and are willing to keep in touch whenever I need. That means a lot for me. So we’ll see. still can’t think about how the future will work. can’t do that and still be okay. but while things aren’t grand, I can at least realize that I do have a lot of health problems. I’m not going to just feel wonderful the minute I turn back to God. Doesn’t happen. I still have the awful feelings of my health under distress. so. no, the goal is not that feeling.
the only things I have to do right now are keep trying to heal so I can get out of some of this horror, and apparently keep reading my Bible. I don’t want to. I will not jump right back into being a good little Christian. something was really wrong with my thinking, and I need to fix that first. and right or wrong, I will not handle trusting in faith right now. I need something sure and solid. I may not leave the ground much to float on the fluff of hopes or grasping in faith…. I may not fly high, but that’s fine. I want to stay on what doesn’t move. I don’t want to fall from the sky again. Just let me walk, slowly, breathing deeply, and not to painfully for trying so hard to do what I think I should be doing.
Isaiah for some reason. Can’t say I’m getting a whole lot out of it, but I am reading a Proverb a day in the morning and then usually a Psalm at night after a chapter of Isaiah as a treat. lol
life’s been such a whirling blur lately that I need to get back to quiet and growth. It’s been growth under fire these last few weeks, and God has loved me back to Him again…. but He knows I’m scared. There is more pain likely to come, and that will be a test – will I trust He is still there and cares in the midst of it. Will I find Him to be more than enough and all I need? Because I can find Him… He is there.
but the world is a whirling… and for now I just need lots and lots of rest and to refind my equilibrium. Re-find the quiet. and meet with Him daily there.
for now? I’m going to rest again.
best wishes to all,
Judges.finished last night I believe. not sure where to go next, and in a bit of a slump at this very moment anyway. oh well. will see what tomorrow brings and where I end up.
on more ways than one….
Joshua. But have now! Didn’t realize there were some tedious portions with listing of inheritance and dividing up of the lands. But there were other pretty cool parts.
and now I think I’m going to Judges next. I enjoyed studying them before, but of course, never really read about it all. Just studied it – sigh. Cart before the horse, huh.
interestingly, the theme I got from Joshua was be strong and of a good courage because God will never leave you or forsake you. Be not afraid or dismayed, for the LORD shall fight for you.
as I pretend not to worry about something big tomorrow, those verses stand there speaking to me to have faith and not fear. I can’t have both.
deep breath. Faith – Full Assurance In The Heart of what God says and Who God is. I admit I waver on that full part. I do believe, but I worry. Which brings us to Fear – False Evidence Appearing Real.
but it looks so real!!!! lol
~ cf-er still human, still a little wary at times of life in general. :l
started Joshua. was rough there for awhile. finished Job and didn’t know where to go. Now I’m still not all that spiritually right and trusting in God. Today I read to get it over with. But I read. and that does count. It will make a difference and develop the pattern of faithfulness.
it’s interesting too.
found the next book to start, but read John 17 today. I needed that. Haven’t been talking to God much lately. Like really talking and knowing He is there and seeing Him in my life and working in it.
It said He wants us to have joy and love. It said a whole lot more than that of course, but somehow those hit me. He wants me to have joy. Really wants me to. And it’s His desire for me to know His love and let it live in and fill my heart. Those aren’t bonuses for trusting Him as my Saviour. Those aren’t extras for being a good little Christian. No. This is, truly IS, what He wants for us as part of the core of what He wants to give us. It’s not extra. It’s vital. And He knew that and knows that.
not sure I’m making much sense or saying this right, but it’s time to rest again. and maybe find the God I claim to believe in, just maybe day by day find out the truth of His loving heart.
My God wants me to have joy and love in life. and that I do is important to Him. (I can’t fathom that, just shake my head amazed. and hope I can slowly see that truth more and more)
~ chosen for freedom…. maybe I can believe that after all slowly.
Job, I haven’t gotten back into it. I’m sure that’s affecting my not thinking about God as much or being aware of Him being involved in my life. Just don’t know where to read and oh well, something will kickstart it. Hopefully it’s a sermon and not a problem though!
I was sitting here thinking about all the woes in my life and how I wish I had people I could turn to to help me get through all of this. and the thought came, “how much loss can one person handle.” I’ve lost so much in so many ways this last year, and every time I lost something and found new support, that new support became a loss in one way or another in time.
and as soon as I said that to myself, I thought…. wouldn’t you know I was reading Job right now. and he lost a whole lot more. but as I’ve been telling God since the beginning of my health problems – I’m not Job!!!
sometimes I can’t believe he was a real person, but he was.
well, in the middle of this post I just found out more rough news. but you know what? bizarre life that I grew up in, I’m comforted that there’s a new crisis. I know crisis well. It’s the recovering fully that I’m not used too. So I will go deal with that now.
~ feeling like I will never be anything else but a beaten down, scruffy little girl, cf