Nap deliciously ~ whenever I need wherever I need as frequently and as long or short as I need.

After my Christmas tree took a dive and flooded my little place – my fault I should have not cared that the tree was not straight because ‘fixing it’ sure got me in a fix. It was one of those things you just ‘knew’ was a bad idea and likely to end up…. just the way it did. so now. I am Christmas tree less :(, have to tell the apartment staff that I ruined their new carpet, have all my fans running, already iced my injuries (that was fun cleaning up everything), have my mop drying in the tub, and am hoping fervently that the carpets are not spoiled, and it will be okay. that it won’t smell from now on and cause me problems (gulp, hello fear, no I didn’t miss you, you seem to find so many reasons to come around), and that the apartment staff won’t freak out. I was so tired after that if I wasn’t before. My coordination really plunged, and I was at least able to thank God that at least I hadn’t ruined this place because of my health issues affecting me. When I heard the crash (confession, I had a chair in front of it – I was that 6th sense that it would fall. so why, why, why did I take the risk? I didn’t want to live in fear. yes, this is obviously something we need to work out a good balance and view of. sigh.) so yes, when the crash happened, I thought for a moment and cried in my mind, “THE TREE!!!!!” and then I looked to see the Nile River recreated in my place. I prayed for wisdom and then thought hard what to do. so blankets, towels, everything that could soak up water went to the ground. the tree was removed, decorations picked up, sopping socks removed, and mop brought out. I have to say, I think all in all, I did pretty well for what to do. but still. _still. I shouldn’t have let that happen. I knew better, but sometimes I just like to take risks. and I would NEVER EVER have guessed that about me. but I do. haha, part of that makes me happy because I feel like I was as a child, a bit of a spunky daredevil. lol so much for the reprimand. okay, seriously. This place could be ruined because of my inability to face the reality that sometimes the voice of my Mother in my head is actually in fact wisdom and not fearful. or perhaps it’s fearful but their is wisdom in it. It’s not her doubting her confidence in my intelligence. though it still feels that way and it’s not even really her voice – it’s my mind replaying it. man, this feels like therapy. here goes. I guess it was because I always felt like I was never given the chance to think and see for myself. To choose and decide that yes upon re-examining things that is not the wisest idea, but look here’s a better one. Instead I felt like I was pursuing happiness and happy go lucky-ness and told that I did something wrong and forced to think that way. so maybe, if I tried just accepting when she said stuff like that, instead of getting defensive and apparently potentially senseless, maybe she would have been encouraging then? Instead of me holding out acceptance of logic because it was couched in disapproval and fear, if I hadn’t held out for encouragement but looked beyond what I heard, would I have received the encouragement I needed then? I don’t know, but if a similar situation in life presents itself with a real person instead of the voices in my head (lol!) then, I’ll have to try this and see what happens. not that it will prove she would have reacted that way, but it’s worth a shot still.

because I need to retrain how I react in my own mind when I hear that criticism. Otherwise, level-headed, wise, sage-like, usually logical, analytical cf/efg will continue to find odd happenings like this in her life that make no sense given her extreme creativity and intellect. _{apparently given her ego, would explain it all.}

sigh,
treeless & so SO hoping not to get in too much trouble, :S
- efg

instead of shopping. and seriously considering napping instead of going out today. i want to go to face a situation and triumph in it so I’m not worried. but I also get weak from the fear and exhausted. so. slept yesterday instead of shopping as much as intended. really need to cook today. but we’ll see. you know. I need to track this, but I think I’m starting to feel sick when something is bothering me inside my soul. My overall underlying health issues surface stronger. huh. dear dear dear cf, in order to be efg, I think we really need a rest, and good long one. a period of rest in life. holing up and wrapping yourself up in all things love and comfort.

_{God, I don’t want this. but I need it I guess. help me please to let go of my plans… my precious precarious plans, and catch me when I do please.}

cf —> efg
I’m the arrow I guess.

napped a lot. Didn’t really sleep, just lay there. Daydreamed. Thought. and didn’t think. Not sure if it’s the weather or me or what, but that’s what I was up to doing. I need to cook, but probably won’t simply because I don’t want to. lol should sleep soon if I can, and then tomorrow is a full day. might kickstart me after I get out into it.

having mild pain and know I need to research the latest stuff I’m being told to take. get my ducks in a row and then call to consult further since they didn’t know the whole picture of my health due to time. lol guess i’ll head to bed and figure out cooking tomorrow. hopefully before the appointments. we’ll see.

a couple of things I’ve been wanting to do and not doing. watch a long movie. even opened the DVDs and have them right here. read a kid’s book. I have it and keep envisioning the front cover but do I pick it up and open it? nope. the last is I want to trim my fringe/bangs whatever they are called. but I need to learn how first! lol but not rewatching the youtube videos. also want to revamp my goal list. sigh.

I feel like Christmas is going to be here within a few blinks if I keep going this slow, but it’s the only way I can go right now it seems. so. we’ll see what happens.

heading to bed maybe,
- efg

surprising to remember that today was the day I got up feeling like I hadn’t slept enough and needed more. and then made a phone call where I was therefore not as settled and coherent, and the other person treated me like a child and not kindly either. so I hung up after withdrawing in the conversation, lay back in bed, cried and thought of the jerk. Called back to redeem my self esteem or whatever lol and spoke with 2 other people who were kind instead. the guy is still a jerk and I probably could and maybe should have said something about that, but good or bad, I chose to accept the 2 good people and forget the runt in the pack. lol

can’t remember all I did today, but anyway I’m really really tired now. coulda slept a long time ago, and hopefully I can sleep a long time tomorrow. we’ll see how it works. need to get some laundry done hmmm. but I cooked, and washed most of the dishes, and cooked some more, and prepped food to cook, and…. talked a lot. I’m tired. need to use my fleeting oomph to head to bed, but suffice it to say, God answered a prayer again for when I was needing to not feel so rejected and lonely.

i almost made a bad decision, a bad choice I’d been playing tug of war with all week, and I hadn’t realized it so well. It was an emotional reaction :( to something that still can make me sad if I think about it that way. but the truth is that I want to see reality. I really do. it IS what it is, and I can choose to accept God showing me that or refuse to see it and believe a lie that will only shut me out and hurt me further. so. God directed me I’d say. i ended up getting some business stuff done that I’d been needing to for awhile, coping through that by turning to music instead of the bad decision, and then while I was doing that, God answered and saved me by supplying my needs in a sense. so when the music stopped, I checked my contacts and happened to do something I suppose a little risky. But long story short, it ended up making me an answer to somebody ELSE’S prayers and that person the same to me, and you know what they said? they don’t know me well, but they said it was really good (like it was refreshing to their own difficult circumstances) to see someone with a cheery voice and laughter and smile with all I’m coping with….. as though I was sunshine or something. me. cf. efg. me. :) they said something about how I enjoyed life still or something like that, and I thought ME?! I never associate sunshine, cheeriness, enjoying my life as a rule(!!!!!) and this just the kind of person you want to be around because you feel safe just because they are so happy in such an open relaxed way. I dunno. I won’t go muse over it until I ponder myself into a dark hole. lol but anyway, it was nice. nice to have heard the same basic compliment twice now in my very own new living room – that I was positive. that I was enjoyable to be around.

and it makes me think, maybe all those years of horror didn’t rob me of my joy after all. they used to say I was such a joy, and I’d think then why on earth are you killing it out of me – you think I have an endless reserve, no I have to be happy or I’ll die from all you put me through!! and now, they are not in the picture like before. and now, why do I need to be happy. and now, as I cope with health crisis or life crisis and how the two intertwine, i don’t think i can find the joy anymore. and yet today someone so clearly saw without a doubt – I have joy. somewhere in me, it’s there. still. and I’m glad for that I think. I have joy. they saw that I still have that in me. it’s there. I didn’t lose her, she’s still there hiding in a tiny corner ready to flit to the surface and wave her little hands enthusiastically with all her animated life. :)

oh and one more thing since I’m apparently recording my life here tonight. it helped again. I stopped when I was talking about deeper stuff, especially God and spiritual stuff, and thought okay do I really believe this because I’m not going to say the “right” thing or what I “should” unless I believe it. I’m not spouting off more empty words that turn unto lies because I don’t need to hear that myself anymore.

I did that another time in this very living room and I think in a few other conversations perhaps as well, so maybe I’m finding a newer safer way to be real still. to not open myself up to being vulnerable to everyone, but to not say what I don’t mean. simple as most things are that we never ‘get’ huh.

better to bed now,
- efg and apparently embracing joy or being embraced by it somehow someway. not sure. but we’ll sleep on it and be very very happy and grateful today went the way it did instead of the ways it could have. VERY.

and then calling out for food for the troops. needing to take it slower sooner than I thought, so doing so now.

yawns,
~ cf/efg

towards bed I think. it won’t be very long – I think it would be good to go to church today for my own sake. somehow I just sense that. so if I can sleep at least a bit, then we’ll see how I do from being up so long and washing and cooking so much after yesterday’s exertion. if I feel okay when I wake up, then I’ll sleep-walk to the shower, wake up there in the warmth before I drown I suppose, and then dress comfortably and maybe something pretty and colorful and hop in the ride to go there. we’ll see. at least I did rest more today. interestingly what I did do messed up so many times :) so it was indeed good I didn’t try to do a ton after being whipped for overdoing yesterday. coordination is understandably a bit off.

okay, quick! to floss, to brush, to snore!
off to sleep with me then,
toodles,
~ efg _:)

can’t hardly type. heading to bed now and staying there on and off the next week until I feel better. hope so. think so. glad that it usually works. really grateful that at least i have something that can help decrease the awful sick feeling – rest.

so i’ll take it, and sort through issues from over-rest later. all in stride.

i might post in minutes or in days. so either way, take care everyone and take it easy on yourselves too. :)
`cf/efg

something unexpected God keeps letting happen instead of me stressing to details about everything. and it’s helped keep me from being going to pieces. time to read and rest.

only I’m napping not because I feel bad about it, but because I can actually nap. It’s a good time of day too, and I don’t feel behind in doing it. off to nap in a bit. ah, I’ll just update here and then nap.

feeling a bit better. about everything. not fully. but a bit smidge improved. read some of my Bible today and it made more sense. Listened to most of a sermon. That had both positives and negatives. but I wasn’t just listening to the sermon for the message’s sake, I was also scoping out the preacher to see if I liked that church to visit. So the fact there were positives, made it overall not a bad thing. There’s good there at least, and I can see how it pans out when I visit.

I’m certainly not all right back great with God. Lots of questions and wonderings. I’m coming from a very dark place. But it’s just nice to have taken a break from being one of the tenants in said dark place. lol

that aside. the escape plans seem to be moving along okay. got some more phone calls made and those went overall well I guess. It just helps to know what I have to work with better there. Some of it was better news than I had hoped. Again along with that no hoping for anything not grounded, many times I find I don’t jump for joy anymore, but something is positive for me if there is just not more negative from having done it. you know? so.

Still got some figuring out to do, help to get in place, and tons to do here before I leave. Appointments, socializing, packing, and other stuff. But there is still a strong part of me ready to be there and living already. I feel sad for much of the leaving behind all I loved once, all I poured my life into. But I see more clearly than ever before, truthfully, that I am meant to exist apart from it. That that cannot be me. or define all of me. It shapes me, and it will always be something to me. I’m not sure what, but it’s not everything. For the love I still have and the love I will honor from all the years I spent in this, though, I do hope even the abusive people involved as well as the others…. I hope they find their own freedom and answers and purpose in life as well other than putting up with this. People who hurt others do so because they won’t face something in their own lives.

so. :) Dear Cf’er :) we are finally feeling truer to our name than ever before. It’s a huge HUGE step for us, huh. For me. :)

one day at a time. moments of quiet to yourself so you can think and always stay centered in your focus in life or outlook or whatever. getting tired, and hurting a bit more, should rest. but anyway, maybe, _{just maybe} there is something nice? out there after all? :)

choosing_freedom and grinning perhaps too quickly at how it looks to maybe be turning out. so tempted to dream, but not sure i can handle more turning to nightmares again. so we rest, and find the strength from it to dare to dream in active life… for spurts at least. :)

a little scared to see all the good, but this is there. there is at least seeming good so at least I’m not quaking right now, right? right.

much love,
_yawning
~ cf

like completely thoroughly. lol but I watched another Christmas movie online that was just a feel-good one, and I didn’t even realize how much something like was going to help until it did. Sure I wish it was 9 hours earlier that I’m taking my nap, but at least I’m feeling a bit lighter inside. It’s small, but it’s there. and that counts. a whole lot, you know?