After my Christmas tree took a dive and flooded my little place – my fault I should have not cared that the tree was not straight because ‘fixing it’ sure got me in a fix. It was one of those things you just ‘knew’ was a bad idea and likely to end up…. just the way it did. so now. I am Christmas tree less :(, have to tell the apartment staff that I ruined their new carpet, have all my fans running, already iced my injuries (that was fun cleaning up everything), have my mop drying in the tub, and am hoping fervently that the carpets are not spoiled, and it will be okay. that it won’t smell from now on and cause me problems (gulp, hello fear, no I didn’t miss you, you seem to find so many reasons to come around), and that the apartment staff won’t freak out. I was so tired after that if I wasn’t before. My coordination really plunged, and I was at least able to thank God that at least I hadn’t ruined this place because of my health issues affecting me. When I heard the crash (confession, I had a chair in front of it – I was that 6th sense that it would fall. so why, why, why did I take the risk? I didn’t want to live in fear. yes, this is obviously something we need to work out a good balance and view of. sigh.) so yes, when the crash happened, I thought for a moment and cried in my mind, “THE TREE!!!!!” and then I looked to see the Nile River recreated in my place. I prayed for wisdom and then thought hard what to do. so blankets, towels, everything that could soak up water went to the ground. the tree was removed, decorations picked up, sopping socks removed, and mop brought out. I have to say, I think all in all, I did pretty well for what to do. but still. still. I shouldn’t have let that happen. I knew better, but sometimes I just like to take risks. and I would NEVER EVER have guessed that about me. but I do. haha, part of that makes me happy because I feel like I was as a child, a bit of a spunky daredevil. lol so much for the reprimand. okay, seriously. This place could be ruined because of my inability to face the reality that sometimes the voice of my Mother in my head is actually in fact wisdom and not fearful. or perhaps it’s fearful but their is wisdom in it. It’s not her doubting her confidence in my intelligence. though it still feels that way and it’s not even really her voice – it’s my mind replaying it. man, this feels like therapy. here goes. I guess it was because I always felt like I was never given the chance to think and see for myself. To choose and decide that yes upon re-examining things that is not the wisest idea, but look here’s a better one. Instead I felt like I was pursuing happiness and happy go lucky-ness and told that I did something wrong and forced to think that way. so maybe, if I tried just accepting when she said stuff like that, instead of getting defensive and apparently potentially senseless, maybe she would have been encouraging then? Instead of me holding out acceptance of logic because it was couched in disapproval and fear, if I hadn’t held out for encouragement but looked beyond what I heard, would I have received the encouragement I needed then? I don’t know, but if a similar situation in life presents itself with a real person instead of the voices in my head (lol!) then, I’ll have to try this and see what happens. not that it will prove she would have reacted that way, but it’s worth a shot still.
because I need to retrain how I react in my own mind when I hear that criticism. Otherwise, level-headed, wise, sage-like, usually logical, analytical cf/efg will continue to find odd happenings like this in her life that make no sense given her extreme creativity and intellect. apparently given her ego, would explain it all.
treeless & so SO hoping not to get in too much trouble, :S