be proud of myself

Oh, I so am. I’m whipped and may not be able to move for days. (very likely actually lol, and I will be anything but ‘lol’ing then!!!)

I started on something that I’ve really wanted to do. I had a block about it for awhile, but just really finally wanted to get it through it to the other side of the goal and enjoy the outcome and move forward, you know? And?

I didn’t achieve it! lol But I achieved a veritable ton else. :) And the stage is much better set for me to get the original goal completed. I am so happy! Two spaces are well-organized and clean. For the first time since my move, they are no longer a mess. They are as they should be, and you know something else? _{this is a throw-back to the world in which I almost didn’t make it through… I realized that I’ve never lived in as nice of a place as this. Not personally. I’ve stayed in places that were lovely, but my given space wasn’t, and I wasn’t given full control over making it so. Either directly denied, or unintentionally through simply not liking my taste and style. So. To be honest, I didn’t know how to unpack and settle this part of my new home. I’d never had it before. and I know it sounds simple, and seems foolish since so many people have gone through far far worse. but. somehow it does matter. to me. it really truly does. It was always hard for me growing up to feel like I belonged and part of that was not having my own place to stay. My mother would often get at us for not being more organized or neat, and the truth is, we were never really given the chance. So, somehow this is a big deal to the kid that was me. And? :)}

I did it. :) I think I figured it out. Still have some things to toss around and see – it’s not complete. BUT, I just went with what might work. I didn’t realize just how intimidated I was. That’s what’s amazing to me – that was a large part of what was stopping me. but part-way through I thought, this looks like a store! and I’ve been to stores many times, so I can just make it look like that. I’ll go by what I’ve seen in stores and sometimes online or in movies. :) and so far sooooo grand!!! :)

granted, my original task just got larger due to this progress. LOL but, it’s okay. This was needed. I just know it. and I’m glad for it. Maybe everything I have will find it’s home too slowly.

going to rest now,
- embraced and embracing freedom happily and gratefully

sigh. got a lot done again. just feeling so tired and hopefully that’s why I feel disappointed, lonely, and sad. has to be that right? anyway. we’ll know when I wake up after a good long nap. so.

I made 2 phone calls. One for help. if the forms come in the mail, I’ll have to see if I qualify etc. etc. Not what I wanted or would have chosen, but that’s the point. Called another doctor and scheduled for next week. Will panic before that. Just warning you. but maybe (?) we can just move through all this without it being HUGE SCARY TERRIFYING “things.” maybe. oh I wish I could hope maybe.

- efg

I accidentally clicked done. !!! :( I wasn’t. lol I don’t care how many say it was my subconscious saying so. I say it was a slip of the mouse. big sigh. Anyone know if I can put this back onto my main list with former entries in tact?

Anyway, what I was going to say is that I should be proud because I really did get a lot done today. It was hard. I was tired. I didn’t get it all done. but I still got lots. I went to two appointments. Managed not to sound like a fool (always a plus). Helped one of those people out with something really bothering them. :) (yes, felt proud and surprised at that since I was hoping for help! lol) ate when I needed to.
tried to make those brownies.
made them.
it’s done.
:)
used my oven again.
:)
ate some great food including some of my favorites.
dressed wiser and okay enough.
was nice to someone.
gave someone a gift.
they liked it!

Also mailed out two things I needed to for awhile now and agonizingly finally got done! So many steps to simple things, but anyway. It will be nice I think when they are received.
once I’m not so tired, I will be excited about one Christmas gift I can get someone!
I’m grateful something else I wanted seems to be in stock after all too.
That there’s a Christmas candle in my window and a warmth in my heart. and a gift on my table and a knowledge that this place can be home.
maybe I’ll eat more brownies (if I can manage them!) and think about Christmas shopping!
or just dream. lol
best wishes to all out there,
- efg

mixed results. will talk it over tomorrow and will need again sleep efg!!!!! so it can settle in me brain overnight. such a day. not bad just such, you know?

tomorrow I’m going to a new specialist and getting some testing done. been wondering about this for 2 months and now tomorrow it is I guess. nervous, unsure, but mostly just tired and we’ll see what happens. but I’m proud of myself I guess that it’s getting done.

now. to nap!!!
see ya in a few unless I knock out for the night…. totally possible lol
- efg sigh ho hum tired smile of sorts

to make. don’t want to make it. but it’s eating at me. been praying to know what to say. i don’t want to hurt anyone and yet feel like i might either way. this is the time to throw out emotion and just do enough to be done with it. and then pray God takes care of the rest.

want to be proud of myself. right now a lot is in a turmoil and tailspin. sleeping on it all will help. I’m not hitting bottom or anything. i’m not depressed! I’m just saddened a smidge? not even that. just it’s the start of what could get worse and I want to head it off now. so first this phone call to get rid of it stressing me. second sleep to let my subconscious process the sad info from today. not sad, just something! lol words aren’t always there sometimes.

so that’s that.
to call.
to eat.
to read.
to sleep and to let God let my body do what it was made to do while I sleep…. repair, process, and make me more okay.

hoping, kinda, lol
- efg

I’m grateful because I was able to provide for myself today. God gave me enough health to cook a decent and good meal which should last at 2-3 days. I forgot how it could make me feel so much better about things that I can cook. It’s been so tiring lately and disappointing since more limitations were implemented. So tired in the “I’m not sure how I feel, just still wired and not thinking” sense/ stage of fatigue. but happy too. really. and that makes me even happier.

tired and smiling,
- cf

felt sad earlier and was getting discouraged and that drained me of the little oomph I had. Realized I needed to eat, so I made a creative version of my favorite meal following my new diet restrictions, and then I couldn’t even open the jar. So I stopped, remembered how my bones were aligned and where my strength originated from in my arms, collarbones etc. and looked in the kitchen glass reflection and said, you are smart, you are beautiful and you have awesome eyebrows!!! I had to smile at that and had just enough oomph to open the jar.

Now it’s past time I slept, but I’m planning to watch something hopefully fun while I eat. Tomorrow is another day, and it doesn’t have to be bad. I don’t know what this week will be like, but oh I’m praying it’s better than the start of last week!!! so. to eat, to get ready for bed, and to sleep since I need it. that’s the plan anyway. such a strange mix of half-frowning and happy moments. Is this how recovering from leaving a bad living environment is like? It seems like it would be normal, but well it’s strange to me anyway. :)

was exhausted from a long day of work but decided to cook anyway because I needed food for tomorrow. what i was proud of was that even though it was a bit different for me (and did burn a bit), nothing was shocking or jolting. it was all normal and familiar enough that i just did what I had to. There was a part of me that was completely comfortable in the kitchen, and apparently a bit too much since the one thing started to burn and I didn’t catch it for a good long time. lol But now, I have a huge pot of soup. Not just enough for a few servings like it’s been. and I’m glad for that. really glad. fresh veggies in it, fresh everything pretty much. no frozen-ness here! :)

so. though it’s past late and I’m past tired. I’m going to curl up with my cup/bowl of soup and watch something before heading to bed. life isn’t grand. it’s still a bit of a puzzle right now. but that’s different. i don’t think i’ve ever used that to describe my life before. and different is not really a bad thing considering where things were one month ago. :) so we’ll go with it, and pray it leads to peace, restoration of health and life, and all the good things that can be.

best wishes for a lovely rest of the week to you all,
~ efg

Lord, I am so SO tired. I don’t even want to pray these days because it seems useless. Trying to manage daily tasks, plus unpacking so things look homey and not such a mess, and trying to keep my spirits up – it’s all too much. I’m barely managing keeping myself going okay. I don’t have it in me to interact with people and see if they will help or be more stress than their help is worth. My injuries hurt. I need to take care of them better and start in on carefully doing at home physio. But there is just too much. I have no baseline for life right now God. You are letting me cook enough to eat better. and just barely be okay in spirits. and that seems to be about it. Today the weather has clearly been different, and I’m not looking forward to having to go out in it and adapt to the changes. I only have 4 hours to nap, and then I have to get up to take my shower and start the day. and I just want to almost cry because I don’t want to do anything but stay in a warm bed and have someone tell me I’m going to be alright. I need to be cared for, and if I have only me that truly can since other people are more stress than not, then at least give me the strength to do it, please! I don’t want this, and I don’t want to miss You in this to give me the way out. please, please, please help. I’m starting to just sense my body is wearing from resting at this point, and yet I don’t know what else to do to revive again. so. God, You’ve got to break through for me, and help. Not just in having to get up, be exhausted from a shower, get dressed, get food, and still be awake to meet the transactions without the weather hurting me further. please, You’ve gotten me through worse, I’m just weary of having to go through anything. I need more health, God. I need more care. I need more love, and warmth, and nurture. please. Provide it.

` trying to efg

Even if I renege on this later, I am still proud I did it now. A ‘friend’ wrote asking why I hadn’t been in touch and hoping I was okay, and I told them the truth but without the intent of hurting them. It wasn’t here’s the truth you self-centered, immature, idiot! There is a time when that might be a victory because at least you stood up for yourself. But this time, I was proud because I’m moving on with taking it less personally. Sure I wrote about it here, it really really bothered me. But.

Right in this moment, I put up my boundaries. Said what I had to without being rude. Just stated the facts without over-divulging to prove them. They have no need or right to know. This was about me. I prayed it would be, and I think it was.

okay feeling sick. time to move on from this!!
`efg?