not sure if I was today, but I went out. It seems that all I do is go to health-related appointments and not much else. But after a rough start to the day it was nice to get out. I’m still so incredibly tired, but it just makes you feel less stuck. It was nice to come back to my place and feel for the first time like, I live here and I’m coming back for the evening. Now dinner is cooked or perhaps it’s lunch, I can’t remember, but it’s done. I’ve not been thrilled over food lately, the eating, cooking, figuring out if it will kill me or make me better. So it’s been good and a grace from God that at least I’ve been able to keep decent enough meals going. Not that I’m eating them all, but at least they are there. And when I’m not sleeping, I am eating a bit better I suppose really.
My injuries hurt again today. They have lately. I’ve been able to do more so the function is getting better, but the pain is still not good, and I’m not sure about it. I’d think I needed to drink more water, but I drink a lot already. I guess the weather is drier than normal here though, and I’ve been already thinking I need to unpack some things that might help me with that.
but so far? i’ve been my own doctor more and more. I see it for being here. something big happening – i don’t ask for help because i kind of already know what I have to do to ride it out. and at least two different things were at one time a big enough deal to be freaked out and go to specialists over. not anymore. it seems like i’m just building an arsenal for how to take care of symptoms.
i saw a doctor today who pretty much said, i don’t believe in treating you forever, i believe in making you better and that’s that. bold words. i’ve heard them before. i have to admit i slightly despise people now to say them. sure that’s the goal, DUH it’s the goal. do you really think i’m that stupid or sadistic to think otherwise? so we’ll see if I go back to them. i just don’t like such a pushy approach. Hear me, I will decide what I do. YOU will not. because of one very simple thing. I live in my body and you thank goodness do not! Doctors are not gods, and they do not have a corner on being above the rest of us. They do not have the right to choose for us because it’s a given that we are ignorant. that’s how this doctor made me feel they view all their patients. i don’t want harsh bold words, i want quiet strength that is more than talk. and then.... you let me have the final say and you shut up and respect that because I’ve heard you out. If you don’t gain a patient’s respect, your treatment plan for them just over doubled its odds of not working, and besides, they may not be your patient for very long!! don’t make them feel like if you don’t come back, you just chose the wrong thing for you health.
okay. I’ll stop ranting. just made me miffed. very very miffed.
in other news, did i mention i was tired. like realllllly tired. i’ve stopped caring about all the details I was and just going with it. I can’t figure out why I’m tired. I can’t figure out how to get everything else unpacked. I can’t figure out who to trust and how to get people, good people, into my life given my limitations, and I can’t figure out why God is not continuing to move mountains and do miracles in those areas like He’s done in others. so I’m just going with it. It is whatever it is. lol
sleep, forget schedules, do what I want when I want as much as I can, and maybe just unpack all this myself somehow. i just know I’m too tired to fight it anymore. too tired to sort it out and fight the way out of the fatigue.
so if ya can’t beat’m, join’m. ;)
snoring for at least the 4th time today, (seriously lately I’ve come to because I woke up to my own snoring! I’m that tired!!)