be beautiful one time today

While I make sure to go out without it often enough to not “need” it to feel confident enough, there are times it just helps you have to use less energy to express yourself. So for that appointment which was super important in how I came across, I whipped out the trick I use for presentations when you need to connect and express through your eyes…. since grabbing people by their lapels is usually frowned upon. lol I lined my upper lashes with navy and then just a bit of black over top, all in the lash-line so you really couldn’t tell I had liner on. This, for those who don’t know, gives your eyes depth, and always helps me in having other people connect more easily to what I’m saying. I don’t have to try so hard to be animated when I’d rather be asleep. lol So I lined and curled and off I went, and it helped. I was more beautiful in some ways than I could have been. And it was simple. That’s what I liked. So I didn’t feel fake or like it wasn’t me. It was me. just with a bit of armor and help. lol

I might retire this goal soon though because in truth, I’d rather be beautiful most of the time and be less than that one time a day. lol I’d like to change my wardrobe, haircut, some personal products like skin and haircare stuff, so that eventually it’s easy to be beautiful or look it. It’s just the way it is. It’s a part of my lifestyle again. I needn’t look glamorous (sigh of inner relief lol), but I needn’t look like I don’t consider myself worth much either. I need to get to where it’s appropriate, accurate in how it expresses me, and comfortable in all senses. so that then….. I can forget about it all and let it help me more freely to go live. :)

I was beautiful several times today, thank you, and those were only the ones I was aware of. ;)

lol :) Was quite a different day. Had some trouble napping and then finally when I did nap, I couldn’t get up almost. So that wasn’t so great, but I’m hoping to still make it back to bed in a decent enough hour??? So here’s what happened in my day. :)

Got up. and in no particular order…. made extra for breakfast. Had made the main part of it yesterday and then prepped the rest. So to my surprise is was not hard to just get up and turn on the stove to boil the water already in the pot to cook. Voila. (note to self, please buy me tea soon though, thank you). _lol
Took awhile to get started with unpacking, but I changed into more comfortable “I’m cleaning, okay!” clothes and even though it didn’t feel like I got tons done, I did some. That’s somehow what I need to be fine with, really. I cleaned out a cupboard and emptied one box, cleaning everything out of it. That was really it. But I remember someone somewhere (likely here) saying one box a day – that’s the way the unpacked. Just one box a day. So that’s all I mustered myself through and did. Then I patched up some of the places where paint was coming off my little place…. with pen correction fluid no less! lol It worked too!! :) though it did dawn on me not to be too happy over it, literally. lol I promise I did not sniff or inhale anymore than I had to in using it. You know? Come to think of it, that might have made me a bit more tired too. Maybe not, I mean I haven’t slept enough the last few nights. Anyway. The walls look great now ;) and my bedside cupboard is clean and housing my DVDs. Favorite movies can be like favorite dreams, only in sacrificing creative control, you also don’t have the effort of directing either. ;) haha! sometimes I love how my fun little brain thinks. :)

And then I napped or just rested for awhile. Could have fallen asleep and then decided I hadn’t eaten and needed to. So I got up to eat, and that, I’m sure changed the rest of the day because I couldn’t nap well after that. Lesson observed. Got a phone call in the middle of cleaning to that tried to pull me down, but thankfully it ended soon enough and I could put the phone and situation away from me – because it wasn’t here. no siree. and I’m not there. (don’t really say this but hallelujah!!! lol!) so. the fun thing in today and times I remember looking just alive a bit more and happy (aka beautiful) was dancing to music. (blush) lol

I had different stations on most of the day and while there really wasn’t that much great on, I still enjoyed it. I danced quite a bit since my injuries months ago, and um come to think of it did have to ice them later on. lol oops. was still fun, but will need to be a bit more mindful I guess. lol Will see how they do tomorrow, and that should help me gauge. I also repositioned the two mirrors I did have to add more light in the room. Not sure it’s working, but it’s really pretty backdrop now when I look in the mirrors. :D hahaha! oh yeah, I forgot! I floated to music in other ways today too. Had a really pretty good session. Knew my limitations and didn’t really push, and yet gave it a good go. That’s what I did after writing my entry here about embracing the day and moments here in my (gulp) new life. That helped re-kickstart my day.

so, because this feels like it’s really really long already and who knows what I’ve said (i must be tired again) i’ll wrap this up with a pretty little bow and set it on my goal’s shelf – another present to open later on and reread perhaps. what’s I guess nice to see is that I did have a really pretty good day all in all, and I still coped with health and tough issues in life. I rested a lot, I had to make calls to sort out getting some basic help, I thought through and decided not to go out after all today, and I felt like I didn’t get a ton done in unpacking or doing other things on my list of “this is my life and I’m living part of it for me too thank you.” Lost a lot in evening because of the hiccup in the afternoon (napped too late, and was waiting on call). But I still did a lot for me. Cooked happily, floated to music, danced to music, listened to music to keep me company, daydreamed a new-ish one processing living in it now, got two sweet comments and some lovely cheers on a post I just wrote heart-felt and didn’t even reread until coming back later today, and touched up the chips in the paint around the place. So it was a good day. and I’ll take it…. because I did. :) it was I guess kind of what I needed instead of watching movies or escaping or getting sucked into the online vortex of so much or going the other way and overdoing it physically and actively hopping back into RL to deep. lol

okay, enough writing idly. time to scrub up for bed. :)
h&k lol
- efg

not sure if I was today, but I went out. It seems that all I do is go to health-related appointments and not much else. But after a rough start to the day it was nice to get out. I’m still so incredibly tired, but it just makes you feel less stuck. It was nice to come back to my place and feel for the first time like, I live here and I’m coming back for the evening. Now dinner is cooked or perhaps it’s lunch, I can’t remember, but it’s done. I’ve not been thrilled over food lately, the eating, cooking, figuring out if it will kill me or make me better. So it’s been good and a grace from God that at least I’ve been able to keep decent enough meals going. Not that I’m eating them all, but at least they are there. And when I’m not sleeping, I am eating a bit better I suppose really.

My injuries hurt again today. They have lately. I’ve been able to do more so the function is getting better, but the pain is still not good, and I’m not sure about it. I’d think I needed to drink more water, but I drink a lot already. I guess the weather is drier than normal here though, and I’ve been already thinking I need to unpack some things that might help me with that.

but so far? i’ve been my own doctor more and more. I see it for being here. something big happening – i don’t ask for help because i kind of already know what I have to do to ride it out. and at least two different things were at one time a big enough deal to be freaked out and go to specialists over. not anymore. it seems like i’m just building an arsenal for how to take care of symptoms.

i saw a doctor today who pretty much said, i don’t believe in treating you forever, i believe in making you better and that’s that. bold words. i’ve heard them before. i have to admit i slightly despise people now to say them. sure that’s the goal, DUH it’s the goal. do you really think i’m that stupid or sadistic to think otherwise? so we’ll see if I go back to them. i just don’t like such a pushy approach. Hear me, I will decide what I do. YOU will not. because of one very simple thing. I live in my body and you thank goodness do not! Doctors are not gods, and they do not have a corner on being above the rest of us. They do not have the right to choose for us because it’s a given that we are ignorant. that’s how this doctor made me feel they view all their patients. i don’t want harsh bold words, i want quiet strength that is more than talk. and then.... you let me have the final say and you shut up and respect that because I’ve heard you out. If you don’t gain a patient’s respect, your treatment plan for them just over doubled its odds of not working, and besides, they may not be your patient for very long!! don’t make them feel like if you don’t come back, you just chose the wrong thing for you health.

okay. I’ll stop ranting. just made me miffed. very very miffed.

in other news, did i mention i was tired. like realllllly tired. i’ve stopped caring about all the details I was and just going with it. I can’t figure out why I’m tired. I can’t figure out how to get everything else unpacked. I can’t figure out who to trust and how to get people, good people, into my life given my limitations, and I can’t figure out why God is not continuing to move mountains and do miracles in those areas like He’s done in others. so I’m just going with it. It is whatever it is. lol

sleep, forget schedules, do what I want when I want as much as I can, and maybe just unpack all this myself somehow. i just know I’m too tired to fight it anymore. too tired to sort it out and fight the way out of the fatigue.

so if ya can’t beat’m, join’m. ;)

snoring for at least the 4th time today, (seriously lately I’ve come to because I woke up to my own snoring! I’m that tired!!)
~ efg

I was comfortable. I was happy. I was okay. :)

and that = I was beautiful…. because life was. :)

time to curl up for a lovely nap as the weather changes lazily.

Been floating to music more lately. :) Just happened. Yesterday, despite months of injuries, I dreamed a little of skating again. I’d probably be terrified to ever get on the ice again, but just to listen to music, watch it online, and move ever so slowly and carefully in my room, pretending. It was wonderful, and felt wonderful. Beautiful actually. :)

Today. did more with other areas of floating to music, and just for being so so tired, God took care of me. I still fear. I still worry sometimes. But the sun was shining again today right into my place and me. I heard myself laughing so much more, I felt myself smile and feel, can I believe I’m saying it?!, lighter. God is good. lol I’m still learning that, but now is a time of safety and healing from the storms wreckage in life.

so… we snuggle in and rest and let God tuck us in…. in warmth and the almost tangible hope of being okay,

keeping that image,
` EF

I’m sure I was beautiful at some moment today because I took the time to push away people so I had space to see what would happen. I danced a bit to music, and I know I felt beautiful to be having so much fun. That’s beautiful to me. :)

But on another note, I decided I really am not satisfied with my eyebrows. They aren’t doing anything for me, you know? So. I decided to try trimming instead of pulling and what was the outcome. Cf with a bald spot in the middle of an eyebrow. :o

LOL!!!!! So, if tomorrow or today you see a woman around town with a gaping hole in her eyebrow, do simply smile kindly and try not to stare…. she could be our well-loved cf.

_{lol oh lol!}

because I want to write!!! :0

I am so happy. Yes this is me talking. Why am I happy? It’s circumstantial in a sense, but long story short I woke up so scared today and trying not to get more scared. Another long story there as to why the fear etc. But the day has gone so well considering that.

I love love love the greenery in my space and having moved things around a bit. I am so proud that I reached out today for support when I needed it. Three times! Shocker!! And every single time it helped.

It brought me closer to one person, reconnected me with another I thought we were losing things in common for, and honestly I think made them both happy. One even screamed in glee at some of the potential progress for my life. Glad they were happy. lol I’m still not hoping 100% until that hope is 100% grounded.

Ack, someone interrupted this and that someone is no fun. However, I will go DO something fun to not let that start sagging my spirits. I’m tired, so so tired, but happy and so grateful for how things did turn out.

Am I in pain still? yup, a bit. Am I still a bit tense? probably. But am I shaking in fear? no. thank God no. Am I downcast and feeling like grey had slid in front of my view of everything? no, thank God no!!

The future doesn’t have to be roses, the present doesn’t have to turn out like a masterpiece. Sometimes life is just ho-hum. It doesn’t have to be anything. :)

- cf

But I am going to bed. Early, late. whatever. I am a little stressed, ‘tis true. and I hope I can sleep. It’s only a tiny thing that’s bothering me, and I haven’t yet learned the trick of how to put things aside and be able to pick them back up again strong when I need to be. I just stay strong until I can put them down once and for all. But, these days, I can’t as that just wears me out. I have to find a new way to live. and i don’t much like that. :)

so today…. I will be grateful because I truly am.

• for beautiful colorful fresh flowers that I grow to appreciate more each day.

• for something living in my room that gives off life and health.

• for all the cleaning I’ve been able to do lately. sigh. my but it’s such a wonderful feeling to look at one’s space and see not only improvement but organizing and just fresh air in the form of arrangement. lol that’s how it feels anyway.

• for seeing again that when I do have some strength and any gain in health I do get, I really honestly do use to make my life what I need it to be. beautiful, strengthening. I called about an appointment I’ve been putting off since last October. and I cleaned and asked a bit more strongly for help and it happened to work out. even in little spits of ability.

• for resting like I needed so I was funnier and a bit more human today.

• for knowing that I am (hear me!!!) I am going to sleep now, and letting my subconscious resolve this while I do instead of staying awake trying to beat it out and instead beating my brain and health into mush instead.

when I wake up, we’ll see if it worked. but if it does? maybe that’s how I should deal with things. think about what’s clearly bothering me, establish that, and then…. sleep.

hmmmm….. cf, dear. now. go to sleep. NOW. don’t do it. don’t get sucked into the vortex of must-stay-awake-and-fight. NO!!!! let God release you from that…. you go snore. (you know, how does one know for sure one snores or does not? I mean seriously?) okay, going now.

yesterday was beautiful. I’m not sure if I felt beautiful, but the day around me was…. and it was because I chose the opportunity and God granted it. I had fun. something I really enjoyed. I don’t know how I can keep up with it given my health, but I have some ideas to try and see what happens. If I can move back into it without it adversely affecting my body. However, there’s more to it than that only. I’m finding this is also about claiming abilities in my life for me and not because of others’ influence. You’d think I was in my teens facing peer pressure for the first time, but it’s more that I’ve been through a lot and it really takes a lot out of you to…. be you. and know that’s okay. oh that’s so hard sometimes.

but I did apply for the event, did not get accepted, but that was okay because I took the chance. I wasn’t the one withholding myself from something that incredible. I guess that was what I needed to see and why I did it on a whim even though I had no idea how it would work to actually attend if I was accepted. And in the end, I spent a few hours online researching and falling in love again with some wonderful wonderful things from the past. Only this time seeing how it can help me….. very slowly, very shyly, very wobbly…. be me in motion. In reclaiming life and in some ways claiming it for the first time. To be me not just as I sit here or smile in a day, but as I go out and try to live.

We all only have so much life and health and energy in us. I am one of those who has a comparatively diminished amount of it. But you and I both still choose what we give our life’s energy in order to have in our lives. I don’t want to live for other people anymore. It’s always been so noble, and truly the one desire of my every fiber. But that’s not how I was made to be. I have to live the life God gave ME. It’s got to BE me. And only then can I really help other people….. because their lives have to be able to stand alone too.

or something like that. head fuzzying…. time to go choose fun, and food, and rest.

~ cf

at an appointment and asked if I could shorten mine to not miss my next appointment of the day elsewhere. The person replied, why, you got a hot date? To which I feigned confusion as to what they meant (well I was trying for that look instead of stuttering at the change in conversation; when I’m in business mode I’m all business. No joking around.). So we moved on, and later on as I was thinking about it, what actually came to my very own mind was that given the right circumstances, I might joke back, I am the hot date (lol!)... and it’s going to take some serious time to spin up some fairy godmother magic to make that happen. :)

Maybe that would not be classy to say. I don’t know. Certain people in my life would not approve to say the least. lol But the point here is that I even thought that, not whether I would say it or whether or not it would ever be true. I thought that?! That must mean there is at least one small spark still left deep down inside of me that believes I am/could be beautiful. and that my friends makes me somehow feel relieved? :) ♥