Remember where I've been, where I was going, where I want to go, and what I want to remember so I can take it with me into where I want to be.

end this goal. I think I need to forget all I’ve been remembering. It’s written and recorded for when I need to remember, but there are some things you don’t need to carry with you. They should have never happened to you in the first place, and maybe as long as you have them somewhere for when you forget your reasons for what you do and you second-guess your way…. then, otherwise, you let them go… all of them… completely….so you….can move on.

?? i think.

too much to do
all happened too early
but I’m glad for the longer period of time
just don’t know if it will be productive and if I will be depressed afterwards :( worried a bit about that.
trying not too.
slept oddly but well enough I guess last night
have talked up a veritable storm
laughed
floated to music
been more active
got out of the house
managed
but very tired.
did take a nap which was good.
not sure of tomorrow.
not sure of the whole future. :l

this made me think.

A poem to my father: ‘I am missing…’

_Anonymous

“I am missing the man you could have been;
The man you should have been had you tried.
I am missing the strength I saw in you
The hope of it that you cast aside.

I am missing the love and joy I saw
That filled your gaze with life truly.
I am not missing, though, the fear and torment,
That you chose more your master to be.

And I look inside my heart once the tears are fin’lly dried
And I see I’m missing you, Dad, and I have a hole inside.
But what I miss the most of all, is what you could have been
Had you been man enough to bow for help in order to rise to win.

I judge you harshly, I know I do,
But I’ve seen and lived with hell,
And all I can hope to do now, Dad
Is to live my own life well…

So that no one misses me, like you,
And no one in vain cries and cries,
And no one misses who I should have been,
Because I will have tried until I died.

And if I try, perhaps ‘twill end
The saga you couldn’t break.
And maybe somehow, someday, Dad,
My life will no longer ache.

And miracles can happen, and time all wounds can heal,
And rising strong from the ashes of long,
Your past I will no longer feel.

I am missing what I wish had been
I am missing what will not be
I am missing that you do not
Enough truly miss…. me.

So given the choice in my own life
I will try to be brave, Papa dear,
And accept help and accept healing
And choose love when it comes, and not Fear.

And at the very least, I pray, for all the years I’ve missed you,
Maybe I can be freed to live in a way your choices n’er knew.”

_{not the best written poem, but it’s so sad, and so real, and when I came across it, well, I thought I’d post it in case it resonated with someone here in some way.}

And I’ll be okay. I hope. For the next week or so I’ll be extra tired, achy, uncomfortable, in pain, and more or less weaker than normal. I’ll be uncoordinated, and frustrated from it all, and I’ll sleep a lot. And…. if everything holds its course as it has in the past, I’ll wake up 7-10 days from now able to live a day and go do something. and I’ll try for as long as I can to whip up a storm of getting things done and living for memories the next time my health dips. and you know? I really really need this. (not the dip! lol) but the using this time to remember the new memories I’ve collected. and my oh my :D have I collected. :) so many. different foods, different movies, different lighting on snapshots in my mind of different days living in my new place and making it more mine. my own. :) so I’ll go treasure those I hope and not let the dive pull me down with it. As much as possible anyway. I’ve been through bad, I’ve been through horrific, I’ve been through crazy-making, and I’ve been through part of me dying. God can get me through to the other side of all this hardship some how. I don’t know how, and I don’t have the believing needed. But I’m seeing faster than my plans to achieve what I ‘believe’ God wants for me, just isn’t working and won’t work. Somehow He has to have a different means of my getting there. Different way to walk than I have in the past, but if this is the right thing, then I’m glad I guess to be seeing faster that my thought wasn’t the answer and I needed to see what was.

time to rest,
- efg

up far too late and tomorrow brings company to the area. yay. i’m just in a funk, but part of me says, “hey! :) it’s been quite awhile since I’ve been in a funk!! I forgot this feeling!” lol

Maybe I need to talk. I usually do if something upsets me, and this time no one was available. God really did help but as time went on, my heart got harder I think. I’m sealing it up so it won’t hurt, and I’m blocking the thoughts that were. yay, guess they will fester. I don’t know. I just know I’m restless. I should have probably unpacked more today since I wanted to, but I was so SO tired, frustrated, needing to rest, and achy I guess. Tomorrow will come, and I fear I shall be in a bad mood and not want to see anyone. which. will only fuel their view that I have issues. And the problem is? Not that they think I do, but that they won’t see they do too! Somehow they think I’m the only one who gets affected by another’s choice for insanity, and the truth is, I’m the only one calling it like it is. They see my words are true, but they won’t accept the severity for themselves. oh bah, I don’t want to waste my energy judging them. I. sigh. I just can’t do this alone. I don’t want to. I’m tired of trying, and if given the chance, I just want someone strong to cry on lol. Someone that actually can help in every sense of the word. Not someone I imagine can help, not someone who lies by omission to help, not someone tangibly there but not otherwise, and not someone who will use or hurt me. Someone who will understand, but that’s exactly it (my, I’m getting personal out here lol but this is always primarily for me and my own life goals. so.) I want this list to move on. I, want to move on. and I partly think I will. but I mostly, just can’t tell much of anything.

I’m in the opposite of a tailspin, but whatever that is, it’s still bad. I’m the plane that never had the fuel to get off the ground, but somehow was parked on a sinkhole. lol

_{will I ever be ready for take off? and will I even know how to fly by then or will I be so rusted, it’s past hope?}

and no one can say. because no one is fighting for me but me. God is. God did. But I feel it sporadically. I’m just not strong enough. I mean I found out this last year I was MUCH stronger than I thought, but I am not anymore. I can’t explain it and feel i’m just blabbering on. guess i’ll finish dinner and head to bed?

I can’t tell the difference between a need and a want. maybe that’s it? I need to figure this all out and unravel what my flaws still are and process, analyze, and put into motion changing them. Find the truths etc. etc. blah blah blah. maybe I’m in a healing crisis? bahahaha! (lol!!) maybe I’m getting better and stronger and plateauing in that sense? and it’s a good thing.

I dunno. I don’t feel ready to get back to work consistently, even a light load, and yet I want to just to have purpose and movement in life again. I’m doing really well in a lot of ways, but damn it’s hard when there’s no one here seeing and cheering. When the hardest, darkest moments in my life. The ones that smelled of scorched grass and just death. When I walked through those or God carried me out – no one else saw or cared. not really. and that’s just really really really really really tough for me. _{somehow (wow, honesty and openness is the thing today huh) somehow…. it’s like how can my life matter. I can’t sense my own worth when I’m invisible to everyone else. I just can’t. It’s not even sensing God anymore that’s hard. it’s…. :( not being able to sense my realness or validity.} On some real level, my life did not matter to the world I’m in, and I don’t I have find a way to deal with that? oh I can leave the jerks behind without a second thought, and I mapped out my escape in how I would need x,y, and z for support here. But I got nothing. I left and came to barrenness. Emptiness and loss were still around. I don’t know. I’m trying to unravel whatever is stuck in me. so. moving along. I adapted as best as I could to no support. I did what I could, and I found I did like being in my own life apart from other people’s dramas. but it’s still lonely. it is. and it’s more than that. it somehow lacks….. aghh, what’s the word I’m trying to find. come on heart, pinpoint it. validity? something like that.

yes people like me. a lot. yes people admire my abilities when I can work. yes a lot. yes people stand in awe and are intimidated at moments from skills I once had and have thankfully at least sporadically now. yes, yes, yup. but when the events are over, the day is done, the brain stops functioning at amazing levels…. what’s there to come home to. not physically. I have that for now. not people there. I can have that too. I mean in my heart. In the place where I really really live. In my mind, in my soul, in my spirit – my life. What’s there to come home to. I love me. but I’m beaten up, and I need healing. not just physically. and that fact I am standing here to say that is the miracle. I know that. I believe it. I just can’t get past it. I guess (trying again to sort this out) maybe I feel like I’ve finally gotten to the “third day.” Only I’m at the empty tomb and instead of rejoicing because I can bank on God’s promises, I’m fearful because not only did I see death of all hope, but now even the remains are taken away and lost. My. faith. is. not. strong. It used to be, and it used to be worse too. But I can’t believe. and I’m worse than Thomas. I don’t want to see the nailprints for myself…. I feel like I can’t even think!!!! I can’t even explain how much I feel like I can’t think sometimes. deep breath. but yes, I feel like maybe (???) I can’t believe until I can touch the hem of His garment and feel the healing in my body. Maybe I don’t know it all after all. (lol) maybe I am supposed to seek healing first before I seek to follow Him. Maybe seeking that healing will be following Him until I can reach out or He reaches out to me. I want to be healed, and I can’t figure it out, and I’m frustrated and ranting online no less, and people are coming tomorrow. and this is working either. I need something to process alllll that’s in me, but writing isn’t it. sigh. oh well. we’ll see. It’s not the end of the world. It really isn’t. I’m just aimlessly rankled and restless, and while it may very well be from that awful ‘news’ I got last weekend, who in the world can handle hearing that when I can’t even to think it let alone say it. I fear I’d go into a deep level of trauma if I open that up, and I just can’t. I won’t.

oh if I could write a secret and shove it in a library book I just might. I need to tell someone, and God is going to have to put someone safe here soon. Tomorrow I will just have to try to get through being with people. Don’t expect high goals of fun memories, meaningful conversations, um them not hurting me lol, my being more emotionally sensitive. don’t anyone even tell me ‘there are reasons for everything.’ lol

will go trample along to bed now I guess. bottom line, my dear love, I could be worse. you know it. We know I’m not 100% or even 50 really, but we are stronger physically than 5 months ago, we are at more peace than we sure as ever were 5 months ago, we are more free to feel safe than we were 5 months ago, and we are more in control and possession of our/my lol life than I was 5 months ago. Things aren’t great, but they aren’t like they were. that’s got to count for something in my favor and hope?

Edited ending.

- _efg

in a moment that is filled with so much new turmoil, you find yourself in the odd calm sad middle of the storm. as it all whirls around you and you know you have to go out into it no matter where you turn into order to get to true peace. as you can’t handle thinking of trying to survive going through that whirling mass…..

“He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still.” that’s a verse somewhere or something like it.

in a moment when things are so sadly stark, chocolate won’t help, music only aids, and part of you grows up mature and grave as you face the matter. so. i don’t know how i will be the next few days. how i will react to this all.

_{oh, Lord…. show me the third day.}

are changing. I can feel it. I’m not, well, a LOT of things I wish by now: settled, unpacked, well, stronger, dressed better, working more, financially secure, etc. etc. but I cannot deny that things haven’t just been stagnant. my heart, spirit, soul, mind, something in there has been processing and shedding and changing. I can see it in how I react to things from the past when they crop up into my present. It’s good. very good. and I’m glad because if I didn’t see signs of unseen progress, I’d really feel saddened to not be making progress in all the ways normal to me.

but then again…. we never have been at this point in life before, because we never ever shed some of this before or really broke as definitively free. so I’m not as ready to force control over this, and I’m a little less afraid of letting it just pan out as it does. I think I might find gold after all… at the very least a few sparkling gems. haha – maybe it’s time to mine all the diamonds that have been tears all these years living in a coal pit. :)

ah, I remember. :) I don’t know why, but I decided to look that goal up again and reread all the entries from everyone under it. It was such a lovely goal, and one that still benefits me. It was so much fun to do it as a team, especially as I was in a rough spot in life trying to crawl out. What can I say, it’s been a very hard year…. _VERY hard. But even though I cannot fully explain the difference with how that goal changed something inside or what it means or what it is even, I do know I’m over it. Whatever “it” is/was. lol How to say. I can look at those compliments and feel a small amount of real joy sometimes and other times something just below neutral. It’s no longer sheer gaping disbelief, or blocking shock. That’s a difference. And maybe someday, before too long, another lovely goal like that will waltz into my life and brighten it for months ahead taking “it” again to whatever the next levels of healing are.

The most recent rays of sunshine in life were a friend visiting. Unexpected in so many ways, and yet the safe relaxing feel of being with long-time friends. Are we close? no. not really, and yet. I don’t know. I just look back on it and think huh, that really was strategic of God to do. lol The timing, the person, the place, the situation, the other people involved. Did I present myself in the best possible light? no. there wasn’t time for that. Above all, I am sometimes efficient to a fault. I try too hard. But I was honest, they kept up, and I got some help and truth I needed. Some light spread into my dark world, and light that shed light that can continue to shed Light if I learn how to daily follow it.

It’s been hard at times since. I’ve vented here and cried there. I’ve slept a lot and will need to again in a few moments. But if the days keep going, it’s almost here…..._{it’s almost here…..} and I can’t believe it. Part of me doesn’t. Part of me thinks oh I will come back here again because this is where I belong isn’t it? But maybe that’s how I feel for now, and once I’m out and can breathe mentally again instead of holding my breath to make it. maybe then God can start to bud and blossom my own life apart from all this here. and maybe, I can have something else to move forward into instead of coming back to where my dreams are happier than my home chooses to be. It’s time for a new home in my life. And God will have to make that. The physical abode, I will be viewing in a few short days. :) and yes, that makes me beam a smile inside. but for now, got a LOT done today, and tomorrow is more packing and errands. So we sleep. and we pray so very hard that God will draw us close again. I need Him in these days or forget it. He’s the one that got me here to the leading me out of it part, I can’t go without Him. I don’t want to. Not when I don’t have to. So I need to seek His face again and whether through sermons, time in prayer, journaling, or talking with a friend, I need a mini revival of refreshment and renewal in Him and with Him. That’s how I think it’s supposed to be every day, but I’m not there yet. So. tomorrow that’s what I hope because so far? Everything else might actually be sliding into place. We’ll see how it actually goes, and I shrug to realize I’m still so skeptical, but if it all works out, God just might be really making this easier or better put….. possible…..! Time to rest, everything still getting done for the most, a slower feel and not frantic, people kind and warm in helping, time moving on so that the days come closer to the fruition, glimpses of hope for those I love after praying for hope for them in their own lives, and feeling like I’m doing pretty decently physically considering it all. Oh my weight is to note concerning mildly, and I’m sleeping an awful lot. But otherwise, nothing is super injured, nothing feels extra strained, and I don’t feel frazzled or frantic. I’m sure I could, but for now I don’t, and it’s nice to just breathe, stretch, yawn, and…. flop back to sleep blissfully. :)

I feel like a bear cub sleeping through winter while fairies create a crisp magical sparkling world outside. Curling up in my arms of my Saviour, and praying for some time with Him tomorrow so I can walk through this with Him and not just feeling alone though He’s there somehow. off to dream of crisp sparkling white and glistening icicles….. as the sun slowly begins to dawn shining rainbows of iridescent magic all around as the winter world comes back to warm life.

dreamingly,

` * ` cf ` * `

i painted last year. got it all over my duvet cover and pajamas and it was one of the happiest times of my life then.

i used to give myself professional quality pedicures and wear fun colorful but comfortable shoes that were me.

i was thrilled to find a hot glass shop in the area i was. i waited to make someone else happy and never went. but it’s still there i think.

i watched the movie, Bed of Roses, and how much I enjoyed it. something from it still gives me peace and sticks with me.

i remember…

being beautiful. decorating gifts that had so much consideration put into them, adding color schemes and either going elaborate or keeping it simple. but being me, putting it out there, and something else taking on the beauty I had in me. made me beautiful somehow.

concocting things in my kitchen like a 8 year old, tongue out one side in concentration, head tilted, seeing if how this was turning out and working and not afraid it if wasn’t. just enjoying doing what kids do. try. create.

when I came up with color memories. In order to make sure I remembered memories from long ago, I’d chose a random color in my line of sight and then try to think of a few good memories it brought to mind. a black and white memory might be hmmmm…. school-day memories oforeos mmmmm, oreo desserts, (sorry there’s a special bond there lol), music notes and notations etc., looking really classy and stylish in different outfit for me. It was comprised of 3 things I would never wear but that were gifts, and I got to put them all together in a way that was me. :) looked stunning if I do say so myself. (well I felt stunning anyway! lol) :) usually the color memories are more like that last memory here about the outfit, but you get the idea. I really liked the idea and that I came up with it. it’s a be proud of myself moment. :)

taking martial arts even with health problems. having a strong kick and quick block. I hurt for days, no, weeks after just one class lol but still was awesome.

but now….

I’m trying hard to get through a really unbearably hard day. so I run to be happy only to find myself still near tears a bit later, but I’m trying still. so.

I’m grateful for right now: `the music on the radio that makes me want to dance.
`knowing how to make music enough to enjoy it that way instead.
`being the size I am. it’s not perfect, but it’s something to work with. and I will love it no matter how many people say mean things.
`that I’m not physically weaker. it’s not great right now, but believe it or not, I could be worse. take care, dear little body, I’m so sorry for all you went through today, and thank you for handling it as well as you did. h&k muah! :)
`for the hope of maybe, just maybe…. going to the waterfront this weekend. just maybe. not sure. we’ll see. but maaaaaybe. :)

~tight hugs, luv,
cf

someone who took time to cheer everyone I met up, someone who noticed the person in the corner and drew them out until they felt as least a bit more comfortable, someone who wrote cards with a flourish and eloquence that meant so much to people. I used to be that someone.

Today after almost a month, I finally got 3 cards of condolence written to be sent out in tomorrow’s post hopefully. One month, and I still could hardly think to know what to write. It’s done, and I’m glad because until I can find another way to help people in need, this is all I knew. So matter how hard it is for me now, again, it’s the only way I know to reach out and lift a stooping heart.

I want to be….
at a new way of reaching people. Something that is effortless and easy for me as those other things once were. I’m different now, and with those changes must certainly come different ways in which I can make a needful difference where I am in life.

That is something I need to find eventually. Hopefully soon.
In the meantime, three cards wait to be sent, while several wait to be written…. and at least? a freckle of the old me still remains enough to have at least gotten that much done.

better rest while that freckle fades more and more,
` cf