up far too late and tomorrow brings company to the area. yay. i’m just in a funk, but part of me says, “hey! :) it’s been quite awhile since I’ve been in a funk!! I forgot this feeling!” lol
Maybe I need to talk. I usually do if something upsets me, and this time no one was available. God really did help but as time went on, my heart got harder I think. I’m sealing it up so it won’t hurt, and I’m blocking the thoughts that were. yay, guess they will fester. I don’t know. I just know I’m restless. I should have probably unpacked more today since I wanted to, but I was so SO tired, frustrated, needing to rest, and achy I guess. Tomorrow will come, and I fear I shall be in a bad mood and not want to see anyone. which. will only fuel their view that I have issues. And the problem is? Not that they think I do, but that they won’t see they do too! Somehow they think I’m the only one who gets affected by another’s choice for insanity, and the truth is, I’m the only one calling it like it is. They see my words are true, but they won’t accept the severity for themselves. oh bah, I don’t want to waste my energy judging them. I. sigh. I just can’t do this alone. I don’t want to. I’m tired of trying, and if given the chance, I just want someone strong to cry on lol. Someone that actually can help in every sense of the word. Not someone I imagine can help, not someone who lies by omission to help, not someone tangibly there but not otherwise, and not someone who will use or hurt me. Someone who will understand, but that’s exactly it (my, I’m getting personal out here lol but this is always primarily for me and my own life goals. so.) I want this list to move on. I, want to move on. and I partly think I will. but I mostly, just can’t tell much of anything.
I’m in the opposite of a tailspin, but whatever that is, it’s still bad. I’m the plane that never had the fuel to get off the ground, but somehow was parked on a sinkhole. lol
will I ever be ready for take off? and will I even know how to fly by then or will I be so rusted, it’s past hope?
and no one can say. because no one is fighting for me but me. God is. God did. But I feel it sporadically. I’m just not strong enough. I mean I found out this last year I was MUCH stronger than I thought, but I am not anymore. I can’t explain it and feel i’m just blabbering on. guess i’ll finish dinner and head to bed?
I can’t tell the difference between a need and a want. maybe that’s it? I need to figure this all out and unravel what my flaws still are and process, analyze, and put into motion changing them. Find the truths etc. etc. blah blah blah. maybe I’m in a healing crisis? bahahaha! (lol!!) maybe I’m getting better and stronger and plateauing in that sense? and it’s a good thing.
I dunno. I don’t feel ready to get back to work consistently, even a light load, and yet I want to just to have purpose and movement in life again. I’m doing really well in a lot of ways, but damn it’s hard when there’s no one here seeing and cheering. When the hardest, darkest moments in my life. The ones that smelled of scorched grass and just death. When I walked through those or God carried me out – no one else saw or cared. not really. and that’s just really really really really really tough for me. somehow (wow, honesty and openness is the thing today huh) somehow…. it’s like how can my life matter. I can’t sense my own worth when I’m invisible to everyone else. I just can’t. It’s not even sensing God anymore that’s hard. it’s…. :( not being able to sense my realness or validity. On some real level, my life did not matter to the world I’m in, and I don’t I have find a way to deal with that? oh I can leave the jerks behind without a second thought, and I mapped out my escape in how I would need x,y, and z for support here. But I got nothing. I left and came to barrenness. Emptiness and loss were still around. I don’t know. I’m trying to unravel whatever is stuck in me. so. moving along. I adapted as best as I could to no support. I did what I could, and I found I did like being in my own life apart from other people’s dramas. but it’s still lonely. it is. and it’s more than that. it somehow lacks….. aghh, what’s the word I’m trying to find. come on heart, pinpoint it. validity? something like that.
yes people like me. a lot. yes people admire my abilities when I can work. yes a lot. yes people stand in awe and are intimidated at moments from skills I once had and have thankfully at least sporadically now. yes, yes, yup. but when the events are over, the day is done, the brain stops functioning at amazing levels…. what’s there to come home to. not physically. I have that for now. not people there. I can have that too. I mean in my heart. In the place where I really really live. In my mind, in my soul, in my spirit – my life. What’s there to come home to. I love me. but I’m beaten up, and I need healing. not just physically. and that fact I am standing here to say that is the miracle. I know that. I believe it. I just can’t get past it. I guess (trying again to sort this out) maybe I feel like I’ve finally gotten to the “third day.” Only I’m at the empty tomb and instead of rejoicing because I can bank on God’s promises, I’m fearful because not only did I see death of all hope, but now even the remains are taken away and lost. My. faith. is. not. strong. It used to be, and it used to be worse too. But I can’t believe. and I’m worse than Thomas. I don’t want to see the nailprints for myself…. I feel like I can’t even think!!!! I can’t even explain how much I feel like I can’t think sometimes. deep breath. but yes, I feel like maybe (???) I can’t believe until I can touch the hem of His garment and feel the healing in my body. Maybe I don’t know it all after all. (lol) maybe I am supposed to seek healing first before I seek to follow Him. Maybe seeking that healing will be following Him until I can reach out or He reaches out to me. I want to be healed, and I can’t figure it out, and I’m frustrated and ranting online no less, and people are coming tomorrow. and this is working either. I need something to process alllll that’s in me, but writing isn’t it. sigh. oh well. we’ll see. It’s not the end of the world. It really isn’t. I’m just aimlessly rankled and restless, and while it may very well be from that awful ‘news’ I got last weekend, who in the world can handle hearing that when I can’t even to think it let alone say it. I fear I’d go into a deep level of trauma if I open that up, and I just can’t. I won’t.
oh if I could write a secret and shove it in a library book I just might. I need to tell someone, and God is going to have to put someone safe here soon. Tomorrow I will just have to try to get through being with people. Don’t expect high goals of fun memories, meaningful conversations, um them not hurting me lol, my being more emotionally sensitive. don’t anyone even tell me ‘there are reasons for everything.’ lol
will go trample along to bed now I guess. bottom line, my dear love, I could be worse. you know it. We know I’m not 100% or even 50 really, but we are stronger physically than 5 months ago, we are at more peace than we sure as ever were 5 months ago, we are more free to feel safe than we were 5 months ago, and we are more in control and possession of our/my lol life than I was 5 months ago. Things aren’t great, but they aren’t like they were. that’s got to count for something in my favor and hope?