Cope through this move and new phase of life

but want more to move the goal along. I’ve coped through this move, thank thank thank God. I’m here now. It’s not all copasetic, but it’s a different part of life now. New goals will come in time, but first the space for them. So, xo little goal, and bon voyage to my completion list. – efg <3

I just want to forget. everything I daily, minute by minute, remember about me. and I just want to feel and react when inspired.

I’ve read through entries from Kate and found one she dedicated to me, and I never saw it until now. and after reading and remembering and thinking…. and before looking on my list to post my thoughts and instead that list reminding me of what I needed to forget…. i was reacting in saying this. that I have so much. so MUCH. to be grateful for. we all. there is so much out there in the world for us, or within our own minds and abilities… and then….. there is God. For me, I’m a Christian, so there’s more – there’s Jesus. and while I can remember God in a general way, I often honestly forget God in a specific sense of Jesus. I lose so much. so much when I forget. I don’t want to forget Him. I want to remember Him and know Him in my life. regardless of what people say or what they think. Regardless of how they feel about it. It’s my life and my choice, and my heart that knows He kept it alive. So when people swear or use His name in even worse ways, I can’t just sit there. I don’t have to preach, but I wouldn’t let them tear down my loved ones, why is this different. It isn’t. I don’t want it to be.

but that’s a side note. and my brain fades and my muscles hurt and I remember all I want to forget. but moving back to what I remember when I forget. Life is so beautiful. It can take your breath away with its beauty and in the next minute awake in you the freedom to really breathe again. What I was going to say, I deleted. My grief and tears for the loss of Kate is not the only pain here, and I don’t need to add to anyone else’s pain as I work through my own. I just want to be inspired by what I saw of all of her life. not just the things she accomplished. I want to see the things she didn’t accomplish in light of all SHE DID.

it’s time I crawled off to bed now. been staying up far to late lately and feeling incrementally sicker each morning because of it. but how do you keep your soul from crying when part of your day breaks your heart while at the same time it feels like….. that heals part of it.

I miss you, Kate. But, from the little I saw of you, I think you are not the one who lost. we lost you, but you did not lose out in life. You really lived life like few people ever know…. because you chose to live it any way. – cf/ efg ღ

not sure what’s going on. but i’m utterly exhausted. will catch up with PMs and cheers and comments after I can think. could be hours, could be days. just don’t know. but going to rest before it becomes a real problem. probably and odd mix of physical and emotional all at once perhaps? who’s to know…. see you all in a bit.

heartfelt wishes,
- efg <3

until I reword or revamp this goal, here’s what I shall post today…

Got a lot today. Need to shower and get ready for some appointments, and I just woke up a little rankled and blue. I know it’s from not sleeping early enough and well two nights in a row. And I know it’s partly having the last appointment on my mind and all he found wrong. I know my plan is to research what he said and then call in with questions, but I do so wish I could have left there with a little more peace. Would talking have helped more instead of being cut short? Possibly. But it’s really not that big of a deal or is it?

I really need to do something with my hair. It’s bothering me a lot. I also want to go out this weekend, and one former friend is free…. just not sure. Need to cook before the appointments or at the very least prep them. I’m not beat up, and the sun is shining. I’m just… that’s it! I’m stuck. Yes, some thought is stuck in me and bouncing around in a trapped space rankling the rest. lol wow if that’s true, it’s pretty incredible I could tell. that would be a BIG change in life.

so what’s the thought, dear? I know we keep wanting to go to church or get reconnected to God more, so that does again clue that it’s stuck emotionally in me whether it’s physically or socially induced. I think I need to talk and to sleep. and then laugh maybe. so yeah again I want to go out with that friend this weekend, only the thing I really wanted to go to I can’t if I do this instead. I have to decide if company and free-feeling fun is what I will choose over deep-joy and mental excitement from furthering a career choice (which, true, could leave me very discouraged hmmm… maybe this is not a grand idea after all. but then I hate not taking risks due to fear….. which makes me widely open to running off cliffs just to show I won’t be kept by fear. lol)

let’s think this out, cf:
ok. do I need to further my career thoughts right now. not really.
it would be very exciting, very! and it could be productive, but any connection I make I can’t use anytime soon anyway. and the opportunity might come up again when I am physically closer to taking it.

I don’t want to feel like a failure, but I don’t think I want to go to this. I think I’d rather risk going with that older friend? i guess part of it is wanting to reconnect with my work again too instead of people maybe? i want to have something in life. something just for me. that I do. and others benefit but it’s for me. I feel like I don’t have anything that’s just for me. I’m trudging along in health trying to sort it out and figure out what my doctors won’t, but that’s not for me, it’s backwards not forwards. It’s not like researching etc. gives me a real deep feeling of safety! It’s mentally stimulating and I love making scientific and medical connections and piecing it together, but my heart rather hates it. lol

they say, follow your heart, but I think mine doesn’t want to go out there alone and whistle for the rest of me to follow. It needs to be carried forward in life, and it wants something to at least link arms with. that was my career. my field. call it what you will and say how it’s wrong to build an emotional connection to a ‘thing’ or idea instead of other people, but the people that have come across my life already have their people. I’m a good friend, treasured sister, beloved person in other ways. But I walk alone in my own life. No one comes here and walks with me. I go there and walk with them – that’s how we connect. and I see it now why certain relationships, even business, got to me more – it’s because they came into my world (via business) and ‘walked’ with me in a sense there. I shouldn’t have to only be regulated to business transactions and interactions for that. I do matter more, and I am worth real personal emotional what have you connections. sigh, need to get going before I’m late, but I’m unwinding a lot here and understanding it more. will definitely need to reread later and think again through it more. My life is worth more. God showed me that this year. He saved it, and He considers it worth more than I did or was shown it was by those near me.

who’s going to want to walk with me? in my journey of life? not just to find it interesting, but to care and I don’t know… just something more. this is pretty honest thinking right here anyway, and it’s new to get it out here, so I won’t hold it against myself to not have it all unraveled yet. it’s okay, dear heart. :) so. that helped a bit.

_{but i still want something for my heart. do other people just not get that bare in life to find these thoughts? is their life able to be so busy and full that it is. i’d have never thought half the thoughts i have if i’d not lost the ability to be busy and instead spend hours thinking and resting. yet, I Can’t believe that those thoughts are deep down there for the purpose of being smothered and covered with busyness and activity. there has to be an answer for the holes in a heart. there has to be a friend to walk beside when you are lonely. and there has to be a God who both created that heart and understands it, that has a plan for filling it. If He created me, and He’s called the Great Physician (still can’t process or accept that fully. just being honest.) then maybe He is the Great Careful Surgeon too? I don’t know. I just know He’s kept my heart alive, and resuscitated when it pretty much quit in life this last year. so God, if you brought it back, won’t You heal it and give it the surrounding help for it TO heal. Not people in business. People in life. and yet, part of me is even too scared to want to let people in again. too much energy, too much danger, so we’ll see.} I really need to run along before I’m really late! lol I can take it slow today too I suppose and live a gentle day maybe more than planned. live in it gently and let it be gentle to me as well. funny how we can sometimes direct more of how a day treats us than we realize.

hope so.
a bit of a mess,
but a beautiful mess?
well maybe at least a cute one, like a 3 year old finger-painting, :)
-efg, all ♥

so I said I might finish this goal soon. I might. but for now. cope is the word I am drawn to….

I’m tired today in many ways, and I know I was running down. but even as I reread entries here and comments I see my typos and brain glitches, and I usually try so hard to cover for stuff like that. even in every day life, i’ve learned to hide my weaknesses and struggles. and that makes me sad because when I can’t, I face just how un-normal I am. and that makes me sad. oh I said that. anyway. i’ll face it when i’m ready.

for now. I had decent dreams last night. active but not intense. nice not to wake up still “on” and wired from a dream. so then I day-dreamed awhile and remembered a lovely one I made up years ago. rewrote the story a bit and you know the interesting thing (yes i know I’m probably being too open again. oh. well!) the interesting thing is accessing that daydream from years ago made me realize again just how much in some ways my life is now. health is still the big oh no throw-up-your-hands-in-francticness (yes that’s a word. now anyway). but i daydreamed and it was different. it was a different feel because for the first time in my life I’m not “there.” There where I never realized I thought I’d always be. “there” where he yells and screams and smiles and laughs and never shuts up for a minute. “there” where everyone is confused and still trying to live. “there” where life is killed out as though it were the disease. “there” where mine screamed and cried and writhed in pain bound and tied up to defend or sooth it all.

“there”where I NO LONGER AM!!!!!! Thank God! but that’s now being able to be said will less sheer soul-deep relief and more almost like smiling when feeling it. still so tired, better wrap this post up.

anyway. it was a good dream and good to revisit it and assess all that’s changed. and right now as my injuries hurt (which they really are healing overall!) and other things do some, and it’s dreary and I feel like I could live in a sauna and never be warm enough….. I’m still glad I’m not chilled to the bone. I’m still glad my injuries aren’t hurting worse like they did months ago. I’m still glad for what precarious health I do have. and I’ll just have to go slow and easy as I live through this day and watch how it does. what has to get done will get done. and I don’t have to try. If I can focus on being okay right now and enjoying that, maybe I’ll be okay then.

and once the health dip passes in the next few days hopefully, then other things will get done. oooh feel sick thinking that far. okay back to now. lol right now, cf. it’s okay. relax, get warm, take…. it….. slow….

possibly sleeping,
- efg

complete this goal soon since it feels like the move has been made. the new phase of life, well. it’s here, I’m just not sure what it is or something. and today several things just started to bog me down. phone conversations didn’t go well (not badly, just not freely), woke up loving where I slept, but knowing my health wasn’t as grand. and then I guess the health crisis I knew would come is coming emotionally first. Not that I’m all tearful or anything, but that I’m just accessing the hurt in my heart more I think. I’m at a thinner layer between me and it, I’m down a few wrungs and closer to dipping into those waters. I’m not plunging, and I’m not drowning. I’m just skimming the surface more frequently or something. so. sigh. i don’t want to be sad or cranky. so I started more paperwork for a doctor. I’d gotten it awhile ago, but just needed to wait. It’s just an update, but it’s intense to fill out. Last time though the results made me realize how much of how I was feeling was actually physically based and not emotional/spiritual. So. I’m guessing its the same way again, even though I feel weighted in my spirits a bit and disgruntled by the stirring of my almost peaceful life here. I dunno. but somehow my mood and tone of mood (lol) do seem to indicate it’s physical. so. started today, will finish in a day or two possibly and send out the forms. and then….. hide in that goal of going through life passively. and just go make the appointments needed and not care or invest so much in each one that I wait until I’m ready.

never is any easy answer. but. that’s then. for now? I want to go to church later. and I don’t know if I can. I’m not in 100% form, and interacting with people is rough. _{especially as one person there is being quite cordial, and I just feel uncomfortable to know what to do. just don’t want to deal with it.} and I could be tired, and the weather could be not so good, and people might be mean, and I might have something trigger me and breakdown. and…. if I can just sleep enough, maybe I’ll have enough strength to breech the gap and realize that there are others from here on 43T even that are out there today without power, and there are probably others without power that are sick and in a panic mode of what to do. and some people out there don’t have a church to go to, or aren’t allowed to go. and some people don’t have clothes that could make the weather tolerable. and some people haven’t been through worse pain than I have to know what you can and can’t endure (and if I’m rested up, I can endure feeling sick for longer and maybe go before I max out).... and so. I really want to go. know it would be good and think so too. but we’ll see. that’s tomorrow or whenever it is I wake up. and in the meantime, I can forget the sad feeling that’s moved into my place today, and maybe he’ll be evicted as a houseguest by the time I wake up.

lol joy comes in the morning right? probably taking that out of context, but it came to mind.
- efg just going through another day.

I got through tonight. After crying to my sister (and I hardly ever literally do that) actually it was more like crying with her. Thankfully she did okay handling it and not making it worse._:)

but I’m still sad deep down. Something’s cut deep, and I’m letting the surface heal even as I try very very hard to forget how much it really hurts still deep down where it’s still bleeding out.

sigh. i love them. so. much. i know they love me. This time I saw it differently. they didn’t do anything to hurt me. but because of all the pain of the past, I just couldn’t handle it. I didn’t know when standing up for myself would get me beaten up emotionally and verbally a bit too until it ended up affecting me physically because hell, almost everything does now. thank God, truthfully. not everything. I was actually worse months ago when I was still living there.

but tomorrow they leave. they pack up their bags and wave goodbye as I wave back sleep-deprived, hurting, and with a sinkful of stuff to wash and place to vacuum. they would help, but they will be running late and besides, I don’t feel like I can ask for help. That’s it. They seem committed to loving me, but it’s such a love that I don’t feel safe asking for what I need. oh i won’t go into it all now. all I know is that I hurt a lot today. i really cried. and then cried some more. and then cried again. good horror I can’t imagine what people do who lose a spouse to death suddenly or a child. i can’t. i wouldn’t make it.

anyway. they leave tomorrow. and i will be sad because there is no promise of when i will see them next. and yet. even while that pulls at my heart until it starts to tear up, there is another part of me that doesn’t want to see them. The upcoming holidays… “no, pause, that’s okay,” I hear myself saying. I just don’t want to handle them, and that’s so strange for me. part of me wants to let them go!!!!! that’s different. haven’t had that conviction there inside me before.

it’s sad really because it means i’ve really been hurt, but it’s good i guess because it means i’m standing up for myself.

my sister said the sweetest thing. when I confided in her about a lot more than I had before, she was quiet and then said something like, look at you, I am so proud of you for doing that. she was proud of my actions in a rough time. and nobody ever sees those times to validate or even know OF my actions. that meant alot somehow.

I want to write and write and write and get so many things down just to write, but none of it seems concise or in groupings. Just all sorts of things. like. I want to fight this life. I really do. I want to fight and win! and I’m ready in some ways oh I’m so ready. Means of working again and finding new things I’m interested and good in besides the fields that have always defined me. Hosting parties, making money, using the money to make a difference, going back to school maybe, breezing through it without getting bogged down for once, just moving forward as a person and in my own inside life. who I am. how I’m developing and changing from all the junk of the past. I want that. I really want that.

Disease scares me though, and medications, and levels, and blah blah blah they scare me. The hope of finding just the right doctor to listen and know what to do with all my research and thoughts. The endurance to go through it again which means interacting with people – doctors and office staff etc. which means meeting new people and ending up affected by their personal lives because it always happens. Sure if you see your dentist once a year, it won’t, but if you spend hours a month in communication with an office depending on test results, exams, supplements, instructions etc. Trust me, their lives affect their work and you definitely notice it eventually when they forget or are grumpy or make a mistake (!) or etc. etc. etc.

right now. in this moment. I don’t care about doctors and medical stuff. and I don’t want to think of personal relationships and the pain loving people can bring. I don’t want to fear making new friends because they will hurt me if I’m already hurting so much and trust recklessly. i just don’t want to care about a thing. i can’t live here, but ….. I can stay alive for a happy minute longer here than if I face my RL right away. you know?

I want to actually sleep early and let sleep wrap me in her safe arms, floating me on a cloud to sleep. something like that. ^{but. when. they. leave.} will I not be small again, tiny and wispy and…. scared with big eyes? won’t I turn back now and find the huge shadows of Monsters to be my health issues and whatnot. i don’ tknow. i’m so SO tired from it all.

guess i’ll just have to make it to tomorrow and see if I cry the rest of my heart out then too or not. i don’t know. and i’m going to sleep to nurse my re-open wounds.

holding,
-efg or something

we’re going to try this with not a lot of hope it works. This weekend something hit my spirit and hopes. I tried to face a lot of things and God didn’t let me. I don’t understand. I still don’t. But I’m taking care of me or trying in the aftermath. Sleeping, staying curled up in warmth, dreaming, watching movies, and not giving a damn about the world for a minute and how on earth I can fit into it. But the point of this entry is, I can sense my emotions going through a cycle of things and wanting to hit bottom. I don’t want to go there, I need to know how to stop ahead of time and get whatever help I need or answer so that I don’t go there, sob, hate life, and then reboot. I don’t have time for that or space for that in my life anymore. There will be times maybe something huge happens and I have to, but right now like it or not – this is my life. And I am dealing with it until I can get out of any traps in it too.

So for now I’m saying, I don’t time to go through this. I choose not to give my energy to that loss. I don’t know if I can do that, but I’m trying. Refuse the emotion. I have to take time to work through this and not stuff it down, but I’m not processing it this way this time. that’s the plan. lol

I don’t feel brave enough to go out tonight even though it would be a small small group of people to have to interact with. I do feel like taking my shower just so I can be warm! I just hope my desires to try different people and groups to befriend is a good thing and not a bad thing. It could after all be a bad thing. I don’t know if I’m ready, and because part of me doesn’t care, that REALLY makes me wonder if I’m ready. lol my oomph is rebounding but small, and I do tend to bite off more than I can chew at this point in the game. so yes, maybe not to go out tonight, and not to feel like I missed out or am being punished because of how I feel in heart or health. I just choose. that’s all. nothing heroic. no cape or line drawn in the sand. I just lived life is all and ya gotta choose a lot in a day’s time. so this is just that too.

_{choose to feel quieter, pull in a little bit longer, and stay inside myself. shower yes maybe, feel good, do my nails so they are more me, maybe change my sheets and if I do it early enough maybe do laundry a bit or something. I do have a place to put most of it now! :) so that’s good. and then see what happens. but not push to clean or move or unpack or anything. just keep those walls of protection around me and let me live within and inside of them for awhile until I’m ready to defend my own back and go outside again or let people in or something like that.}

i can still enjoy a beautiful day. just sneezed and am already wrapped up in a blanket. yes, that warm shower is sounding very good indeed. then fleecy pjs and cuddly thoughts I hope. _{maybe we’ll revive yet. not sure how we’ll live when we do (that’s the insanity depression producing problem right now) but at least maybe we’ll revive. lol}

going to find a way out,
have to and can, more than before I am equipped to find an answer, so why not now.
~ almost signed my name again. lol Efg

I need to get this move on! So. I need to ask for people’s help I think. I have to figure out who and how many people and exactly how I’m planning this. Will there be food as a thank you and fellowship involved? likely because these will be people helping not being paid. They won’t want to be if I understand right. So. Food will be needed to give during the fellowship. So. need to find out the specials offered by the local restaurants!!! lol :) And then maybe plan that way. hmmm… also. this week one place nearby has functions all weeklong so that will take away from who can help. true. maybe Saturday? I was thinking Friday…. but. hm. maybe Saturday. will depend on how I’m feeling and if I need to stay in bed all day that day or not. but. hm indeed.

back to simple: people to move things/ people to clean things/ food to thank and feed/ make this quick and not long/ keep 1-2 friends for 1 hour only afterwards to help with the little things.
People for the living room. People for the kitchen. People for the bedroom. Voila.

In the meantime maybe I can get more of the bedroom sorted out so things can actually be moved in it! lol. maybe the dresser and the bookshelf, mmmmm and the nightstand. the dresser we’ll see. I’ll have that moved and it would be easier when it’s empty. then again it’s not far to move it. They could probably manage with it full.

time to eat. hungry and not sure what to eat. so time to eat anyway! and then get shopping done tomorrow!!!

so much to do. but hopefully I can do it before it’s too late. Please, Lord, I’m hoping and thinking this is what would help. Please continue :) to guide, direct, be my discernment, protection, and discretion. Fill my heart, and bring loving safe people into my life. I love You, Jesus. and I’m so so so so grateful for how I’ve seen You help lately. Help me continue to follow true light and life… and walk into newness of life day by smiling day. :)

still so much I don’t know. but dwelling on the good I do from today alone.
love,
~ cf/efg

to the point of not being able to think straight but thinking I am. spelling things wrong, typing in wrong info, everything taking longer for it. and yet I can’t stop. I know I must sound like a broken record, but I was tired enough to sleep hours ago, and I couldn’t let me. why! why? I don’t know. but I did not enjoy my day today like I needed to. I could have. I had the chance. instead I got things done that were bothering me. Got some difficult emails sorted out, ordered some medically necessary stuff, cleared out my inbox a bit more, and surprisingly felt better for it. I guess it really must be all this clutter around me that’s bothering me right now. Today is church if I can make it, but I’m so tired that even with a nap, I just don’t know. I should. for my own sake I should. not even for other peoples. just mine. just go as a bystander and not DO anything to get tired. and then let go and see what happens with some appointments on Monday. Is it possible to look forward and dread stuff at the same time. I’m not excited, it’s different. I don’t know to explain it. I do really need to get unstuck with my place though. It really is eating at me that things are not settled. I came to a mess, not a home, and I need to make it a home so I don’t feel like I’m a mess. Does that makes sense, because I for one think it does. and might be the case.

But do I do that with other people helping or do I do that alone. I don’t know for sure. I will need help. But I think it needs to be less of close friends or heart-attached. I don’t know somehow though I need help, I feel guilty after I get it often because then I feel like I owe other people my soul for having them use their lives to help mine. So wrong. so not right.

and inside I want to watch Mulan or other Disney cartoons, and read fun books, and dream and create and craft, and smile secretly to myself as I giggle inside at the fun I’m going to have living this new life. but the inner older sister of my inner child (lol! oh lol!!) eyes the things around and knows it needs to be functional in order for it to be safe to be home.

so we’ll see where the family apparently living inside of me ends up! oy vey indeed!

so. to eat. and to clean more? or to read? or watch or what??? I don’t know. probably will clean. frown.
I’ll go talk to myself elsewhere now. I just so hope. so hope that I can get moving soon and BE moved IN. I really really need that, more than I can say. Please God help solve that problem. Thanks – efg