Feel good about myself

I’ve been healthy for such a long time and now suddenly I keep on sliding from one thing to another. First I hurt my knee, then my back, the I tore a ligament in my ankle, then I had an infected cyst and now I am down with the flu. It is so annoying and being the way I am I feel guilty whenever I take time off work, thinking that I don’t even feel that bad and that I should be working instead.

On saturday I had a half-drunk conversation with a friend of mine. It all evolved around happiness being a choice and not something you wait for to happen. I generally agree with his view on this – it does depend on yourself.
Next he shared with me his “Rules” for happiness, which I don’t really believe in, but gonna try nonetheless:
- Do 1 hour of sports daily
- Get a good nights sleep
- Try to have as much fun as possible (even though you don’t feel like it – this one is a bit complicated)
- Be always nice to other people
- Do the things you are bad at regularly

Hm, let’s see how that works. It was a fun talk anyway…

So I moved two weeks ago and today is the first time that I feel like I might have made a wrong decision. It’s the first time that I didn’t go to see someone, that I had time for myself, that I feel lonely. I know that the decision was right to come, but I feel so inadequate at my job, I don’t know how I can contribute to what they are trying to do. I don’t know whether I want to. The people I work with are nice enough, but also very strange, each one in its own peculiar way. Maybe thet is always the case when you get somewhere new.
sorry for the rambling here, but I can’t get my thoughts in order right now.

I was once again sitting there drowning in self-pity and self-loathing thinking about all the things that are wrong with me and with my life. As always, I got annoyed with myself because I don’t do anything! about the things I need and want to change. I want to finally get rid of my nightmares and I know exactly what I need to do about them. I want to be at the top of my game at work and not leave everything to the last minute. I want to stop lying and get rid of the lies that are pulling me down. I want to love and be loved. I want to be skinny, really skinny. I want to get my teeth fixed, to be as beautiful as I can be. I want to use my time efficiently, for work and play.

I want so many things and I want to get going to get them.

I am having a bad week. All this anxiety about my move next months got meshed up with everythings that I perceive to be wrong in my life. I feel like the world’s biggest loser, sitting there in my office, thinking about all my mistakes, all my flaws. I can’t get out of it. The things I need to do keep on adding up and I just can’t move. I can’t even go and see my family to be happy with them, instead I lay here in a hotel room stuck in my misery. All I want to do is disappear, hide, just go away. This is not good, so not good. I don’t even know whom I could tell. All everyone knows of me is the happy fake me.

I just woke up in the middle of the night because I suddenly felt an enormous weight on my chest, almost unbearable. I was having a dream about my mother. We were at some spa or something and things between us were off. So, she started to ask what was wrong with me. She asked all these questions, about “normal” problems of “normal” people, not realising how completely wrong her picture about her daughter is. So, I started to cry out all my secrets to her, stuff that would make her realize that I am so not the person, she thinks I am or wants me to be. It’s not the person, I want to be. Basically, I listed all the things I hate about myself, things I would never allow anyone to discover. I then woke up, not being able to take the shame anymore.

Obviously, that dream keeps me awake now. Why do I list all the things I hate about me in my dreams? Why do I hate so many things about me? Why are there so many things that are so different from the way she sees me or maybe it is the way I want her to see me? And if all this bothers me so much, why don’t I change them?

I’ve been spending the last couple of days with a very good friend that has been diagnosed with a brain tumor on Friday. He called me immediately and I am so glad I could be there for him. Still, I can’t imagine what he is going through. We tried to spend spend as much time as possible outside, being active, but I don’t know what it is like at night thinking about the future. Health is really something you don’t appreciate enough until it is gone.

I am finally free. I have quit my job and after a long struggle with my boss about if, how and when I can leave, it is done. I am now looking at four weeks vacation before I will start my new job, which is something new, different and located on a different continent. I am at a exciting moment of my life and need the courage to do everything right – both to not leave any loose ends behind her in Germany and trying to creaty a new life in SA.

I just had this moment in front of the mirror where I kind of rediscovered. I looked into the mirror and I thought it wasn’t that bad, wasn’t bad at all. I had almost forgot that I actually have some features which can be called beautiful. It’s strange how the focus shifts depending on how I feel. Some days all I can see are the things I want to change, on others I think it’s ok the way it is.

I cried in the bathroom this morning in the office. The situation here is becoming intolerable. My boss is telling everyone how badly I do my work, but isn’t letting me go neither. Apparently, bad work is better than no work. She refuses to give me a date for my departure. This insecurity regarding my personal situation, while also trying to plan my move to another continent is killing me.