stay a non-smoker

These past 2 weeks, there has been restructuring in my job that just causes too much stress not only to me but my co-workers and they admitted they are also experiencing stressful times these days.

thus, the “what if i smoke” question sometimes crosses my mind as well as the over confident statement “i’m never going to get hooked again even if i start smoking again”. but i guess i’m just now that much of a risk taker to try again.

last night when i got off work, i waited for more than 30 mins outside our building for my boyfriend who was 30 mins late. i hate waiting but i noticed that i have increased patience because four months ago, if i am waiting, i would light up a cigarette in a minute. if i finish the cigarette, i’ll light another one after three minutes at most of waiting. i was easily bored and impatient.
but last night, i stood there for 30 minutes in the non-smoking side of the building while constantly checking my phone for a text message and drinking my bottled iced tea. i felt angry because he made me wait but i felt proud because i wasn’t tempted to smoke. to be honest, i even enjoyed waiting because it validated that fact that i don’t need or want to smoke anymore to ease boredom. i can see people smoking just 50 steps from me on the other side and i didn’t feel the need to join them. in fact, it would be soo easy for me to buy a cigarette and a lighter and smoke. i just don’t want to.

4 months ago, I was struggling to take cigarettes out of my head. now i can’t remember why i even smoked them in the first place.

In my last post, i talked about one of my friends who followed me when I quit. Sadly, she called me up yesterday and invited me for a smoke. Turns out she’s started smoking again and wanted company. Of course I said no. I guess it’s harder to quit when you have someone you love and someone who’s always around you who smokes.

I’m really sad for her because it seems to me that she really wanted to quit. I guess it’s just not her time yet.

Sometimes, I wish all my friends would just quit so they can feel the freedom I now feel. But, I know them and like me, they don’t like being told what to do so I can’t force them to quit.

Anyway, wow. I only remembered this goal when I logged into 43things. wow -> because it just means I don’t think about smoking or not smoking. It’s just so automatic now. When someone asks me to join and have a smoke, I automatically say no. I am not bothered nor envious of people smoking in the right places like the smoking area. I am however bothered by the smell of smoke and when I see children and teenagers smoke. Wonder who invented smokes. LOL

for the past few weeks I have not really dreamt of me smoking.. but my boyfriend has. he dreamt he got stuck in traffic on the way to pick me up from work and when he finally arrived, he saw me smoking. he said he was quite pissed off in his dream and didn’t talk to me. i guess that’s what he’s going to feel if i ever start smoking again!

hope that never happens.

anyways, it’s been only 2 months and 2 weeks and i honestly dont think about it a lot anymore. unlike 2 months ago, when i see every smoker and think I want one.

during my first month, i actually wanted to influence my 4 smoking friends. i sent them an email asking if there was an easy way to quit, would they want to quit. of the four, only 3 of them replied yes. of the 3, only 2 of them were really interested with Allen Carr’s method. of the 2, only 1 really wanted to read it.

she gave me the news last week that she has recently quit smoking. i’m happy for her because we actually learned and started smoking together but last year she quit because she got pregnant. about a month after she gave birth, she was experiencing a lot of stress and started smoking again. her husband is a very heavy smoker so i’m really proud of her to be taking this leap. i hope she can also influence her husband! last night, i dreamt she still smoked and asked me to join her. i said no and would rather drink coconut juice.

i still talk to my smoker friends and they are still my friends. i haven’t opened up to them again about not smoking because they are really smart people and i have confidence in them that they will stop soon. i know when i still smoked i wouldn’t listen to a friend who stopped smoking if i really didn’t want to.

Happy 2nd month!

Well, two months have gone by and everything is good, except that I still dream of smoking and these dreams bother me when I wake up coz sometimes in my dreams, after I smoked I would feel extreme self-hate and guilt.

But when I watched BBC’s why do we dream, i really believe that it’s what is happening to me. it says there that we dream to prepare ourselves emotionally for what may or may not happen during our waking hours. it can be death of a loved one, an accident, ghosts, a crisis in your life, monsters, bills, our boss, or anything that scares or bothers us or any nightmare we may have.

i guess it’s true for me. dreaming of smoking is indeed a nightmare for me. in my dreams where i smoke, i would feel pleasure after a puff and then suddenly it would feel as if i have control over my feelings and thoughts and then realize what an idiot i am, and i would panic because i can’t undo it and i have to start at day zero again, then I would hate myself for that stupid decision, then be disgusted by myself and guilty for enjoying that smoke.

maybe my mind is telling me that if one day I’d smoke, this is how I will feel after. Although I won’t really derive any pleasure from smoking, the aftermath of that decision will be the same. I will hate myself.
I will be disgusted by my betrayal to my own self I will feel so much guilt. just like in my dream. and maybe, just maybe, these dreams help me stay away from even trying that ‘one’ cigarette to prove that i am not addicted anymore.

I dont really have any more cravings for cigarettes and have not puffed a single one even if I experienced stress due to my work.

I have actually thought “what if I have a cigarette now” once when I was under stress but i figured it’ll just make me more stressed and i will experience everything that i have experienced during my years of smoking and i don’t really want that to happen ever again.

There’s just so many benefits with being a non-smoker that I just dont see the point in smoking ever again. I certainly hope I feel this way for all the years to come. :)

Almost 2 months without a single puff in my waking moments. Dreamt of smoking again. this time, i didn’t feel disgust but more of regret in my dream for smoking again. i hate these dreams! it makes me think that I’m not safe and can be hooked again soon.

a week ago while i was waiting for my bf, i saw my smoker friend. i can’t believe how much i miss her! anyway, we chatted for a couple of minutes while she smoked, we laugh while she smoked, we talked and joked around while she smoked and i didn’t.

it just felt so NATURAL and ORDINARY for me not to smoke! before, i dread seeing my smoker friends for fear that i might be tempted but i wasn’t. not even a bit! it felt automatic. it’s like i’ve never really been attracted or tempted by a cigarette in my entire life.

it’s just so amazing to be this free!

Happy 40 days of being a non-smoker! I don’t know if it’s just my imagination but I find my skin to be clearer and I have actually not had acne since this month. My voice also improved because one time we videoke’d and I was amazed that I didn’t gasp or run out of breath anymore. Oh well. I have so much confidence in me not going back to smoking that I don’t feel the urge to smoke when I am with a smoker. In fact, I don’t know why but smell of smoke is now a bit disgusting to me. I am not disgusted by smokers though, just the smell of smoke. But now because I’m that confident, that doesn’t mean I’m going to try 1 stick again to prove that I am not addicted. Because I know with 1 stick, I can start smoking again for years. No way I’m going to take that risk!

Two nights ago, I dreamt of smoking. I dreamt that I puffed a cigarette and from then on started smoking again.
I don’t really remember if I enjoyed breathing in smoke in this dream but I remember the feeling of being sad and frustrated that I smoked. I remember hating the cigarette and hating myself for having a smoke. I remember being trapped and being powerless over cigarette. In my dream, I didn’t smoke because I was sad. I was sad because I smoked.

It didn’t feel like an ordinary dream to me. It felt like a nightmare!

Told my bf about it and he reassured me that my dream just reaffirmed how I now view smoking. Also remembered an entry in Allen Carr’s book about dreaming about smoking so I’m not worried. I am even thankful that now smoking is in my nightmares. ha!

Today is exactly 1 month since my first day as a non-smoker.

Whenever I go to work I have to pass by the smoking area in front of our building (because it’s in front of our building I can’t avoid it). I remember the times I smoked cigarettes to be with friends and I remember the times I smoked cigarettes to just be with myself. Now I know those are not the reasons why I smoked. The reason I smoked was that I cannot stop.

But now I have stopped.
And whenever I pass that smoking area, I can’t get over the feeling of freedom, control and happiness in my life.

I can’t get over the feeling of being able to kiss my bf without me having to hold my breath and kissing only for a short time just so he wouldn’t smell I smoked.

I can’t get over the feeling of being able to accomplish something great in mylife.

Everyday I am thankful for another day I LIVED.

I quit last March 7, 2009. Yey!
Now that I’m a non-smoker, I’m opening up this goal so that I can track of my being a non-smoker and celebrate it everyday. Of everything I read about smoking and stopping smoking, it was Allen Carr’s Easyway that really helped me realize that I am now a non-smoker and that I am never smoking a cigarette again.
I still feel that this is an achievement and I want to celebrate it!

Isn’t it nice to finally be free? My mind is screaming YIPEE!