Stop comparing myself to other people

does this seem totally impossible?

In general, I think I do this a lot, but it’s usually worse when there’s a specific person I compare myself to…like my ex-boyfriends new girlfriend. If I’d never met her before it probably wouldnt be a big issue, but because I know her, and he talks about her, this is baaaaaaaaaaad for me.

Poop.

argh

:(

especially women in media of various forms and fashions

Bulls*$t!

still probably the goal that I fail at repeatedly. I mean repeatedly. Several times a day. Many times a day.

What do I do???

if not the most challenging goal on my list. I think that by constantly comparing myself to people in different ways, it effects (affects?) several parts of my life and is probably the reason behind some other goals on my list.

It’s just really really hard not to do this, that’s all.

I’m finding that this is probably one of my biggest challenges in life. It’s been esp. clear since coming to PA because the people in my program (the other participants, our director, our “spiritual nurturer) all seem so qualified and competent. And yes, I know we all have our flaws and our problems (and we each shared some of them with the group last night), but I still struggle with this a lot.

I mean, how can I stop myself from comparing myself to the girl in my program who is a year younger than me but who I feel light years behind in….everything. I mean, this girl is so smart, so competent. It was kind of funny – the other day, I said “Is there anything you DONT know anything about?” and the only thing she could come up with was “sports” – which I said didn’t count. And she’s not a know-it-all in any way – she just knows her s**t! It blows my mind really.

And all these people share about their experiences and what they’ve done and seen and yada yada and it becomes a huge challenge for me not to compare myself and not to feel incompetent.

Argh.

Right now, if you were to ask me who I am most fed up with at present, I’d have to say that it’s spiritual people and hot people. If you’re spiritual AND hot, I probably hate you.

So, part of my internship program is this supposed fostering and growth in the realm of spirituality. So far, it doesn’t seem like any of the participants (including me) are really encountering any spiritual growth. This particularly bothers me because I am so spiritually DRY right now that I’m going insane.

I get so frustrated in our group meetings when something spiritual does come up because I can’t connect to anything anyone is saying. Or when people read poems or some spiritual something or other, they always do it in this….voice. I just want to reach out and strangle them! Good lord! I don’t understand you!

And what’s up with hot people being so hot? That’s not very fair. I guess if I were a beautiful beautiful gay man I would feel differently(to get the joke, read this: http://cogentdiversion.typepad.com/cogent_diversion/2005/07/i_went_to_nyc_a.html).

But seriously. We often take the day camp kids to the pool and I think, “ok, can all the hot girls please leave – RIGHT NOW? No, seriously, y’all need to just pack up and GO.”

It’s late, I’m going to go lay in bed and fume about hot spiritual people and how they are ruining society.

(kidding…sort of)

it’s not healthy

This is one of my biggest struggles in life. If 43things was called 43Struggles or 43Life Problems, this would probably top the list. It is just so so hard to not compare myself to other people. This really stinks because the outcome is never good.

I compare myself to:
people in relationships

people with active social lives

people who get really good grades

really really ridiculously hot people (i feel like watching zoolander now)

people who really seem to be happy.

Here’s the funny-ness about all of this:

I have always held off on relationships w/people if they dont seem right, and I dont really date…these are conscious decisions. Id rather do things the way I’m doing them than waste my time…yet, since I do think it would nice to have a boyfriend, get married, and adopt every kid in the world, I still get uneasy sometimes.

I’m sure you’re thinking “it’s a cop out because she doesnt get good grades” but I dont think that grades ultimately mean much. I think they mean a lot in high school so you can get into college and in college to get to grade school, but in my head, I see all of that being for other people than for myself. I’ve always been interested in the narrative evaluations that some schools offer and wish I went to a school that did. To me, getting an A is nice, but getting a C and having a prof take the time to evaluate my strengths and weaknesses is a lot more valuable to me. Example: I did horribly in my sociology class this semester…yet I somehow got a B. What??? This bothered me for days…I didnt deserve a B or anything close…so can someone tell me the reason behind the B please? Yet, when a friend reports at perfect GPA, I start to feel really bad.

and as for the “happy people” thing – everyone has problems and isnt happy all the time, so I need to get over it…but I think this is one of the hardest things for me.

this is all that comes to mind now, but Im sure there will be other thoughts down the road