I feel like I am constantly worried or anxious about something. I would like to just quit it!
I don’t think I suffer from paranoia, but I feel like I am always watching my back.
I enjoy my day job, but worry that they will find a full time person and replace me OR that they won’t have the money to pay me and let me go.
Of course, there are always financial worries.
And when someone enters my life that I like in that “special” way – I leave on a high after the dinner, or phone call or what have you – but then the next day dip into a worry of whether or not I will talk to or see the person again.
There are a million other little things too.
How does one get control – I mean really get control – over something like this?
I don’t say this to put myself on some moral high horse or anything…I just simply take up a lot of causes. A lot of things interest me, capture my attention.
As of late, I seem to have more issues and causes on my plate than I know what to do with. I’m consumed with wanting to learn all I can about them, understand other perspectives on the issues, and further develop my beliefs and stances. Another thing that is important to me is to be able to articulate why I hold a certain position or stand for a certain cause intelligently. I’m pretty good at using emotion, but I’m also plauged with wanting to make sure my arguments hold up intellectually as well.
It honestly starts to wear on me a bit…waking up in the morning, obsessing all day, worrying if I screw up, or simply worrying that I might screw up.
I wrote in my journal last night, and I also wrote to a friend today, that I would probably enjoy life more if I simply didn’t care about as many things. I tend to throw my all into something I believe in or stand for…so when I’ve got 20 somethings I’m throwing myself into, it gets pretty exhausting.
How does one go about managing this sort of thing so they don’t end up like me? I’d prefer to keep my convictions, but I’d also like to handle them in a way that won’t cause me an early death!
I’m more worried about things now than I have ever been!
Do I look like an idiot?
Am I totally stupid?
Do I have enough money?
Am I going to start doing stupid things when I get bored?
Is this ever going to change?
Am I going to fail at my new job?
Where the heck am I going to live?
What if my car dies?
What’s going to happen to my social life?
How soon can I get to taco bell for another cheesy gordita crunch?
worrying about what to do once I get home
While the current worry is over my internship stuff, this particular entry applies to many many things in my life.
I don’t like getting excited.
Allow me to elaborate:
I actually do like getting excited; however, it seems like no matter what, whenever I get excited about something, something happens to deflate whatever it is. You see, I’m a pessimist most of the time. But I still have hope for some things, and I still get excited about things. I think excitement is part of human nature. But, I get excited about something I’m going to – it gets cancelled. I get excited about seeing someone, and then they flake. There are numerous examples I could give, but I’ll move on.
With the internship, I’m so excited…pretty much everyone knows about it now. Even people who don’t know me in person (ahem). But I’m worried now…what’s going to go wrong? What’s almost worse is that if something goes wrong, I have to tell everyone and live through a million “that sucks!” I think that if I kept my excitement contained to myself and my mom and my employers (the only people who technically really need to know) and then something went wrong, I’d just mourn the loss and that would be that. But if I’m still sitting here on June 20th…I can’t even imagine the ripples that would cause.
So, there are some not-so-happy (yet very real) thoughts I’m having. I really need to find that Mister Roger’s calendar…
(Plan B – if something goes wrong, I will disappear for 7 weeks and make up stories and get people to think I really went to Philadelphia)
Even though I am mucho mucho about my internship, I’m also freaking out a bit. Here’s a snippet from a recent conversation with a friend:
[21:32] cogentdiversion: i am seriously really leaving home for the first time in my life
[21:32] cogentdiversion: i mean, i went to houston alone, but I stayed with my brother and he drove me around
[21:33] cogentdiversion: but im going to this place thats 12 miles from philly. the internship will most likely be in philly. I’ll have to figure out how to get there on my own
[21:33] cogentdiversion: and if i have free time, of course, Im going to want to wander
[21:34] my friend: it sounds like it’ll be really cool
[21:34] cogentdiversion: i hope so
[21:34] cogentdiversion: i hope nothing goes wrong
[21:35] cogentdiversion: i need to go so much
So, technically, I have been away from home. Since my jobs are closer to where I go to school than where my mom lives, I stay in this city practically year round…but its still LA. I was born here, I’ve lived here for almost 21 years. I could get on the I-10 blindfolded (dont worry, I wont) and know where all the dips, potholes and curves are. I know shortcuts to LAX. It’s all familiar.
But when I go to PA and step off the plane, I wont know what the heck is going on. I leave in about 28 days. I only know one person in PA and I may not even see him…so every face I see will be brand new.
Not only am I worried about being there, Im worried about getting there. Like I said, 28 days from now…I haven’t bought my plane ticket yet. I don’t get a paycheck for 6 more days. I can feel the prices slowly rising. What about clothes? I’m going to be outside a lot, so I might need to invest in shorts. Sure it’s 100 degrees here now…but I’m inside most of the time. I live for jeans. I own one pair of shorts and I havent worn them since last summer. What about my debts?
This was more thought out when I originally wrote it down…by my computer shut down right as I was about to hit “save.” Yay.
That’s all for now