dream and act with the knowledge that this is my one wild, wonderful life

Hmmm… its been a few months since I’ve woken up and really known this as a core part of my being, and I miss it. I need to choose to be this wild-eyed, joyful woman and not allow any person or event pull the shades down over my mood. Right now, my work load and the newness of having to interact with an onsite co-worker are both overwhelming, but I can either passively keep on with this or choose a new path.

To allow myself to get back in this spirited mood, I am going to:
1) go for at least one 15 minute walk each day
2) do sun salutations in my office
3) create a new collage journal just for simple inspiring ideas and if the mood strikes, poetry!
4) smile more often
5) remind myself that this is the good life

For the last week, there has been construction work happening in the space one floor below my office. For the first few days, it was annoying but I could make due, but once started working on my monthly data analysis/configuration projects – the distractions started to overwhelm my senses and I have to force myself to concentrate. I ended Friday and Monday feeling frazzled and fatigued, so today – I’m working from home for the morning. I’ve tried to conquer all of my detailed projects here and will leave the conference calls, e-mails and other lighter work for the office.

My heart and mind aren’t up for anything today, I’ve been lazing around almost all morning. Twice, I’ve had brief moments of productivity, and I’m glad for those accomplishments… yet I haven’t made another move since.

I keep craving food junk food to try and seek comfort from my flurry of emotions, but I know it’ll be brief and afterward, I’ll just feel sick.

I look at this goal and it reminds me of who I want to be and how I need to alter my attitude in the next half hour. It’s not time for a list… just a new thought pattern and see what the world looks like through there.

I am choosing to cultivate luminous, quirky passion in my whole spirit right now.

Yesterday, I was tired and worn down. A few triggering events occurred and I spent the afternoon and evening alone, feeling despondent. I wasn’t upset, just out of it and lacking resilience. Then, I had difficulty sleeping.

So today, I feel jumpy and anxious – I’ve already accidentally knocked a coffee cup across the room.

I need to claim back my healthy lifestyle today and not get dragged back into old patterns, but I’m having difficulty finding a foot hold. Any suggestions for creating space or opportunity?

My boyfriend and I have plans tonight, which I am looking forward to attending parties and seeing friends, but my mind isn’t clicking into the mode, at all.

Today is sunny side up. I feel good. My boyfriend’s padre of good friends are over at our apartment playing poker and being amusingly goofy.

Oddly, as I’ve reflected on in other locations, after having been deeply inspired by this goal – I’ve found myself vamping in neutral for a week. There was one especially awesome day and then a lot of mediocre mixed in with a few awful moments.

Perhaps it’s a matter of projection, but recently, I’ve talked with several people who also said that they’re not approaching Christmas with as much glee or hope. Of course, it’s partly (or mostly) due to the economy, but there were other circumstances too.

Tomorrow morning, my boyfriend and I will drive to Missouri to spend Christmas with my family. Thanks to wireless internet, I will not have to disconnect from the internet, but I will reprioritize my time to be with my family.

Life is beautiful.

I am seeking joy and happiness in each moment.

Yoga at the gym and a healthy dinner.

Now, to find an outlet for all fo this energy.

After six months of intense grad school courses, I have a month off and next semester, I’m paring down to one course. This gives so much space for being and creating opportunities in my life. I’ve already been cleaning house my old goals and thinking about new opportunities:

1. Join a health club and create some fitness goals… 12/9 joined a health club. Now I have to go there and move my body!
2. Spend time catching up with all of my friends
3. Simplify & beautify our apartment
4. Read lots of books and other materials
5. And of course, spend time pondering, cheering and learning from all of my friends and acquaintances online.

I’m really excited. Last night, my boyfriend and I went on a little adventure to get back his tambourine at his alum. Yes, as random as it sounds and a wonderful cheery time.

On Sunday night, we had a delicious dinner at Brits with lots of good liquor. Then, we went to the St. Thomas Christmas concert at Orchestra Hall. While waiting in line to buy our tickets, a woman approached us and offered us 2 free tickets! She and her husband had decided not to bring their two 15 year old sons. The tickets were third row center, which were great seats. We both really enjoyed the concert.

Each day, there’s so much to do. I spend a majority of my day at work, wading through paperwork, issues and questions. I drive home to be immersed in lists, homework and chores. At times, I feel stick-stiff in this life I’ve chosen and I wonder what happened to passion and fun.

This morning, I was struck by the realization that this journey needs to be infused with passion and wild joy if it’s going to be worthwhiled. I am head in the direction of my dreams. I’m beginning to imagine a career where I analyze information so that important conclusions and decisions would be available.

If I am to journey in that direction, I need to take account of the skills and knowledge necessary, which will not be available from my MLIS course-work. And I need to pursue it with passion.

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