maintenance: sugar free and vegan

so it’s been more than a month, and the vegan is going SUPER AWESOME. I feel fantastic. I am so fucking glad I finally did this. Seriously awesome. the sugar free thing is not going so well…

so…

It is really important to me that my teeth heal. It’s really important to me to not get a kidney infection and need dialysis. It’s really important to me to not fuck up. It’s really important to me to not put people out and make them accommodate me when I’m cheating and not 100%.

I am not going to drink juice anymore. I am not going to eat candy again. I am not going to cheat. Condiments aren’t cheating. Bread isn’t cheating. Pickled things isn’t cheating. But Juice IS. and so is a bunch of other crap, so I’m not doing that anymore! so there!

It’s not about losing weight. It’s about being healthy and strong, and not dying of preventable diseases.

It’s not about what I ‘shouldn’t’ eat, it’s about making the right choice- for my teeth, for my kidneys, for animals, and ethics and compassion.

It’s not about being better than anyone, or trying to make anyone do anything- and I don’t want people to accommodate me, (if they make a big deal out of it, I will have to resolve to stick with it anyway) it’s about doing what’s right and being my true self. Freedom is in living out your true self. Freedom is living your beliefs.

I can eat the chocolate if I choose to, and it’s not like the whole thing goes to shit then. This isn’t a test. This isn’t a law. It’s me, just me, making choices. Learning self control and role modeling.

It IS about setting a good example for my children, and for others, and for myself.

I can do this. I can overcome headaches, and hunger and cravings. I can make good choices. I can be the person I want to be. I can do it today, and tomorrow. And if I make a mistake I can keep on going anyway, because mistakes aren’t the end of the world. I’m not going to throw the whole idea out the window just because I ate a cookie. But I’m also not going to eat a cookie. Because I want to feel good in my body. I want to be healthy. I want to be my true self- the one who takes care of her kidneys and her teeth, and her mind. The one who demonstrates strength.

I made the choice to not eat any processed or ‘free’ sugar today. I feel really good. I got a headache though, around 9pm. I ate oatmeal, and it went away. I really do feel good. I also chose to not eat any animal products, which makes me feel good about myself. Good job, day number one. :)

I joined a forum, to keep me on board. motivation ahoy.

The reality is, I don’t feel like milk and milk products are really hurting my body. I know about hormones and antibiotics and fat and all that crap, but it never really sunk in, I don’t think it’s really making me ill, and I like things like cheese and yogurt A LOT., so I don’t care about the consequences.

I also know about the cows, how badly they are treated, and how it’s a mothering and feminist issue, but I don’t feel empathy enough to stop contributing, and I know that my eating milk or not is not enough to change what’s going on. I would have to actually be DOING something, not just NOT doing something.

I want to set a good example for my children, like not buying and eating milk products, but Jeff is in the way of my not buying them at least in some ways. Having them in th house makes it harder for me to not eat them, but it would make my example a stronger one if I could not eat them, even when they are available.

I also feel like being vegan and trying to eat at anyone’s house ever again is asking for trouble. I don’t feel comfortable making so large a demand on people. Could I recognise the damage I’m doing to my body and still eat what’s offered to me by hosts, or even guests?

I’ve been able to find a workable solution for using and eating butter in most situations, and considering I spent most of my life not eating it, I should be okay.

I know being vegan, at least in a home-based sense, is the right thing to do. I’ve known it for a long time, and I’ve wanted to do it year after year with little to no luck. I haven’t had the will power, or the right path, until now. I want to do this, this time for good. For the good of my family, whom I will not try to get to change with me, whom I will not try to control and whom I will not guilt trip or brag to. I want to do it for the good of the animals, for the mothers- and this will not be all I do for them.
And I will do it for myself. For my self esteem, my conscience, and my health. I will do it for me because I am worth it, and because being whom I want to be is more important than the instant gratification of an ice cream, or chocolate bar, or spoonful of yogurt. There is so much more to life, and being my true self will be so much more fulfilling and gratifying than eating so many unethical foods.

doing this AND having an eating disorder makes things a bit more complicated (not that we all don’t have some sort of eating disorder- we’d be able to diet, otherwise) so, apparently a system of organized evenly spaced ‘forbidden food’ rewards is necessary- I also thing REPLACEMENT reward foods, of a different nature to the sugar ones I can’t eat, would be a great idea. for example, last night I had fully intended to buy donuts, but instead bought a bag of chips, which was much better for me in a number of ways, and I feel very good about it. So, if this can be managed, I think it’s on it’s way to being a solution