1. What are you most afraid of?
being alone. pain. being tortured. being alive, but separated from Jacob and my kids. Jacob dying. being the reason my marriage fails. waking up one day and realizing I wasted my life. having my kids grow up to hate me. never making anything of myself/never achieving my potential.
2. What do you blame yourself for?
all the trouble in my marriage. Jacob hating me. Hanna being Hanna, bossing, being rude, freaking out. Kaleb being ‘difficult’, stressed out. our lack of $$. Hanna not knowing much stuff. my debt. other people not liking me. my parents hating me. my failure in my business.
3. What are your greatest disappointments in yourself?
that whole weekend. the seduction. every time I give in and have the sex that makes me hate myself. my difficulty changing, how I still haven’t managed it. hitting Jacob, the 1rst, 3rd, and 4th times. Nori. the whole Kaleb situation, how I should have known more, and done better. that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, and save myself all the drama, and loss.
4. Lay your grief all around you…
5. what are the lies you tell yourself?
that what jacob does or did is in anyway more hurtful than what I did or do. that the things I do will not come back to me, do not have consequences. that my children will forgive me, not be harmed by me. that i have lots of time to change. that I am not capable of changing. that I don’t need to behave a certain way.
6. what are the illusions of your world?
that I have few or no options. that I need money. that I can’t find work, or shouldn’t, or should. that sexy is special. that beautiful is special. that these things are important. that anything but being happy and making others happy is important.
7. what binds you to this world?
Hanna. Kaleb. Walden. Jacob. fear. desire for recognition.