have more friends

I recently switched jobs within the same company and my friend was hired in my place. I never had many friends in that department, which made me sad when I left, because there were plenty of people I would’ve liked to have been closer with. Now he seems to be Mr. Popularity there and it’s kind of bumming me out. All of these people who barely gave me the time of day invite him to parties and hang out with him. I know that he’s new there, and a man, which is a bit of a novelty and that could account for some of the difference. But still, it makes me feel kind of shitty.

I’m realizing that I feel like I’m doomed to never have real friends. Most of my current friends are just my husband’s friends from before we met, and now they’re mine by default. My own friends are all sort of just acquaintances, not people who I can call up on a Saturday night.

I’m realizing that the best way to describe the way I feel is that I’m invisible. I think if you asked people, they would say that they like me, but you’d have to ask them first in order for them to think of me at all. It’s amazing, it’s like I’m completely off the friend radar for everyone.

I’m beginning to think it’s almost like a chronic condition, that it’s just who I am and I’ll never be able to get past it. And let me tell you, it sucks.

I was browsing through Craigslist at the “strictly platonic” personals, just to see what was there. I think no one seems to understand what the word “platonic” means because most of them have something to do with some sort of sexual activity. I’m also suspicious of m4w platonic ads, because if you’re a man, why are you specifically looking for a woman to do platonic things with? Shouldn’t it not matter? Like why does a man need a swimming buddy who is a woman if sex is not part of the deal?

Anyway, a girl posted something about finding other girlfriends, and she seemed pretty like-minded, so I replied to see if she wants to try to get together. We’ll see what happens. Every time I’ve been “set up” with someone as a potential friend, it never seems to work out. On the other hand, I don’t seem to be having any success with developing friendships organically, so I might as well give this another try. There’s got to be some halfway cool girl out there whose roster of friends isn’t completely full already.

I think I actually have fewer friends now than when I posted this goal. I threw myself a birthday party last month because I figured I’d cheer myself up and maybe get closer to a few people in the process. In the end, the party was ok, but no one mentioned anything to me about it afterward, no, “Hey, I had a great time on Saturday….”, nothing. So that totally bummed me out. The few friends I do have don’t seem to have any time for me. Most weekend nights my husband and I get depressed that we’re alone on a Saturday night again, and neither of us seem to be able to break out of it.

Sigh