decide what the hell I would like to do with the rest of my life

I’m feeling really overwhelmed with this today. I have to submit a self-assessment at work tomorrow, in which I am to talk about my goals for the upcoming year along with my career goals. The problem is I have no idea what those are.

I’m feeling like I have no future and no career. I’m 31 and I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. I sort of know what I want out of life, but I have no idea how to get to that point. I’m not creative enough to have a creative job. I’m not skilled enough to get any job. I could take some sort of low-paying job that would be fun but I’m afraid of not being able to live the same lifestyle and of making my husband bear the financial brunt. I realize I need to make some sort of sacrifice here, I’m just not sure what that should be.

Everyone’s answer is always, “Go back to school!” But for what? I don’t know what I’ll ultimately like. I wouldn’t mind going to school for graphic designer but what if I’m honestly not creative enough?

Really what I want to do is have some sort of creative freelancing career, but it’s sort of a joke because I’m only just now trying to reconnect with my creativity, and I’m about 20 years behind at this point. You can’t make up for that in a few months, if you even can at all. I think I have a creative spark in me, but maybe I don’t. Maybe I just really want to be but don’t have it in me.

Overall I’m so stuck. I’m so overwhelmed with the thought of having to make some sort of decision. A few weeks ago I was thinking I would just leave my job and figure it out from there, but now all I can think is what if I can’t? What if it just becomes a huge mess and I can’t make money and I’ve given up the only lucrative job I could’ve had?

I’m just so scared and I have no idea where to go from here. It all just makes me want to crawl back into bed.

One thing I’m realizing from everyone’s comments on my last post is the idea that it’s ok, and pretty natural, to change your mind. I always thought it would be so great if I just had wanted to be a doctor or something, because people who become doctors always seem to have known exactly what they wanted to do – you’d have to in order to go through that much school! But it’s not very realistic to think that people really make The Big Decision when they’re just starting out in college. For the most part everyone is too busy partying and getting used to being on their own to make an intelligent decision about a major.

I always thought that a career change was basically admitting that you effed up, and that not having a solid plan in place that will take you through to retirement meant you were a loafer. But now I realize, you go through so many changes during the course of your life, especially in your 20’s and 30’s, when you’re growing up for real. It’s almost as if your personality molts, like a snake. And even now, the idea of deciding definitively “THIS is the thing I want to do for the rest of my life” is scary. And damn near impossible. Who knows how I’ll feel in the next 5 or 10 years?

The only thing I know right now is that I’m not happy with where I am, which is pretty much nowhere meaningful anyway. So whatever I decide, as long as I follow my heart (and stop letting my brain butt in so much) I think it will take me to the right places in life, even if those places keep changing.

I’ve basically been able to think about nothing but this goal recently. I haven’t really made any decisions yet, but I’ve pretty much decided that I need to jump off the diving board into the deep end, because all of this dipping my toe in isn’t really getting me anywhere. I won’t really go into details as nothing is settled yet, but in general I’m really scared but exhilarated by the idea of figuring it out.

The thing that’s a little discouraging about trying to find inspiration with other 43thing-ers is that everyone seems to be so young here. They’re all like, “I’m 20 and I have no idea what to do with my life!” Not to belittle that, but try being a 31-year-old married homeowner on the verge of having kids and not knowing! THAT is scary stuff, I’ll tell you.

Still, I’ve been trying to really get in the zone of casting off the potential doubt of others (my family, my husband, my friends) and focusing on my own happiness. Because if I can find my true calling and do what really makes me happy, I believe I will become a better family member, a better wife, and a better friend.

I graduated college, got a job, bought a house, got married, and adopted a dog. You’d think I’d be all proud of myself and set for life. But I still feel so unfulfilled, mostly because of my job. I feel like my job is shallow and meaningless, and it certainly doesn’t contribute to society. So what do I do? We have too big of a monthly nut to just quit and go back to school, and what would I go back to school for anyway?

I think two of the key things I need to work on are finding something that’s helpful to others and something where I can produce things that I’m proud of. But how does one do this without a vast amount of creative prowess and while still making enough money to feel secure?

All I know is that I’d better come up with something soon because life is passing me by pretty quickly.