be more positive

I’ve noticed recently that I feel REALLY good, and genuinely happy and thankful for everything I have.

I switched jobs back in December and my new position is MUCH less stressful, so that’s been a big help. The winter has certainly gotten on my nerves, and I’m looking forward to spring, but in general I feel very content with my life.

I also feel like I’ve tried to hold onto positivity through some otherwise frustrating situations. It’s surprising when you try to do that how much you realize that it almost feels like people are out to bring you down. But I really am trying to stick with it. If people around me are freaking out about something, I’ve really been trying to be the levelheaded one and show them the good side, or at least the not-so-terrible side. And if they’re not willing to see it I just try to steer clear of them.

It’s a work in progress but I think I’m doing pretty well!

I have this way of feeling so sorry for myself whenever I’m stressed, which is so dumb. My mom worked for an accountant for 30 years, and every single year, from about late January to April 15th, she would work progressively later and later. The dreaded “Tax Time” – she would get home around 10pm every night and work all weekend. And me, I work until 6:30 and a few hours on the weekend and I’m practically in tears. Not that I want to be the sort of person who stays at a miserable job forever (which is a separate conversation in itself), but basically things aren’t so bad.

I need to do two things: Snap out of it, and also stop worrying so much about work. I don’t know why, but I take such a personal responsibility for everything. For the past few weeks, almost every day, ALL day, has been spent with my stomach and teeth clenched. I am so tense all day it’s ridiculous. I need to recognize that I can only get done what I can get done. I know that I’m working as hard as I can, so who gives a crap whether other people do? Let them send email after email after email, I am only one person, and I can only get so much done in a day, and it’s ONLY CLOTHING FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Definitely not worth getting my life in a tizzy.

But this is why I need to start looking for a new job. I either need something with less stress or more meaning. Or maybe both.

I’m having a bad day. I just feel overwhelmed, run down, unattractive, friendless, old, and going nowhere. Work is just so busy lately, I’d give anything for a day off. Even worse is that feeling I get when the weather turns warm, like I just can’t face another summer wasting away at a desk breathing artificial air.

My job is sort of getting to me. Not because of being busy, although that’s part if it – my company tends to be split between people who work nonstop until 7 every night and people that don’t seem to have any discernible workload, and I unfortunately am in the former category. But really I’m losing my interest in the web and technology. I’m expected to chime in about new functionality and web standards and blah blah blah, and I just don’t care anymore.

Overall I tend to have this feeling of panic about technological progression and general consumerism. Don’t get me wrong, I love the internet, I like neat gadgets, but where does it end? Everything is always being forced to progress – companies have to make more and more profit, sell more shit to more people who don’t need it and can’t afford it, come up with new ways to distract people from interacting with the world on a real level, and push the competition out of the picture. There’s never a moment where anyone says, “This is good, we’re at a good spot right now, let’s just sit back and enjoy.”

The nature of my job is that I’m expected to be thinking of the next big thing that’s going to increase profits, keeping up with changing web technology, being in love with the brand. It’s not really acceptable to just do a good day’s work so you can get paid and go do something fun at the end of the day. Time off is sort of frowned upon here, just like actually taking a lunch break or leaving before 6pm. Half the time taking any time off is barely worth it because of the stress of getting everything ready before you leave and then catching up when you get back, and the chances are pretty good that I’ll get any number of panicked phone calls while I’m away.

Is it so wrong of me to want to live a life of leisure, or to admit that I enjoy my time away more than my time at work? I’d really love to have some sort of job where I’m actually doing something meaningful, or at the very least at the end of the day have something to show for it. I’m not afraid of hard work, just pointless hard work.

I feel so good lately! I’m working out some major life decisions that are making me feel very strong and optimistic, and I’ve started meditating, which can’t hurt either. I spent the weekend with my family and I think I did pretty well actually, with a minimal amount of bitching. Well, there was bitching, but it was more like “voicing concerns for other members of the family” rather than just nastiness.

I really feel like 2010 is the beginning of phase two of my life, which I think will bring lots of happiness, fulfillment, self confidence and love.

How’s that for a positive subject line?

Actually, I was rather proud of myself last night. We had plans to have a few people over for new years eve, and a few hours before four of the people canceled, so we just called it off. I was all in a snit about it at first, and threw a private temper tantrum about how NYE always sucks, and it just serves to make people like me feel like shit because they don’t have many friends, and my life sucks, and blah blah blah. So I cried in bed for like 15 minutes, and then I stopped and said to myself, “No, this is not who I want to be. I can’t continue to feel so sorry for myself over every stupid little thing. Greg and I will have a perfectly nice evening just the two of us, it’s not a big deal.” And it really worked. We did have a nice low key evening, just the two of us. Sure, it would have been fun to get together with our friends, but it just didn’t work out, it’s no one’s fault, and it’s just not worth being angry over.

I need to do this more often, I need to stop myself before I whip myself up into a tizzy and just take a few deep breaths and think of the person I want to be, and how that person would react in the situation.

A pat on the back for me!

I’m not sure what my deal is, but I can’t seem to focus on positivity. It’s like a chronic problem for me. Yesterday while driving home from spending Christmas at my brother’s, I spent a good hour or so complaining about my family until I stopped to take a breath and realized I had literally made myself ill. I feel like it’s a sickness with me, this need to constantly bitch about everything and everyone, and I hate myself for it. But sometimes if I try really hard not to be Negative Nancy, I wind up just sitting there searching for something to say. I do think it has a lot to do with my upbringing, because my family in general is incredibly negative and snarky, and no one can resist the urge to get their digs in here and there about every little thing. So I find myself saying things like, “It was good” and then immediately following it up with, “but…”.

So what sort of positive thoughts and statements can I replace this with? How does one go about not being a miserable bitch all the time? Because lord knows it’s not helping my life being this way. But honestly, sometimes I just cannot come up with something nice to say. It’s like I’m having this battle with my nasty id all the time and for the most part my id wins out.

Maybe I’m being a little hard on myself. The holidays are stressful. Even though I always think that I adore Christmas, ultimatly it means more dealings with everyone in my family, under high stress situations, and more dealings with people who are Scrooges, which gets me down even more.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

That having been said, I will say one positive thing:

Christmas Eve with Greg’s family was really enjoyable. It’s become a little tradition for them to come over on Christmas eve, and generally they are much more positive than my own family, which is conducive to merrimaking. They come over ready for cider and egg nog and holiday music and gift-giving and general holiday cheer, so it’s easy to have a lot of fun with them.

bad for this goal. I’ve been cranky and frustrated at work, and as a result I’ve been entirely too negative with everyone – venting too much about other people, annoying situations, etc. This coming week I’m going to try to stop complaining so much so I can improve my spirits from the outside in.

I feel really good today. It might be because I’m going out with some nice ladies tonight to celebrate Casey’s visit (who I’m really really excited to see because I’m realizing just how much I miss her), or it might be because I have a renewed sense of worth at my job after a somewhat good talk with my boss yesterday, or it could be that I’ve had a lot of really nice social interactions today, or it could be that my mom’s surgery is tomorrow so we can stop all this waiting around, or it could be that I’m so lucky to have such a nice husband, especially after listening to everyone else bitch about their crappy boyfriends, or it could be that the sun is shining. But whatever the reason, I feel good. Very lucky and very good.

After a partial meltdown yesterday and a long discussion with Greg, I realize that I have absolutely got to let go of my negativity. I know I’m going through some tough times with my family and my job at the moment, but I can’t let it spread to every area of my life, and I can’t let it come between my husband and I.
The worst part about this whole thing is that Greg used to be a very positive person, and I feel like I’ve dragged him down to my level. Together we’ve become this force of negativity, and it’s a good possibility that this is what could be hurting our social life. Who wants to hang out with a couple who does nothing but bitch about everything and always looks at the bad side of every situation? Nothing ever becomes more legitimate to me than when Greg says it, and when he said last night that he thinks we’ve become incredibly negative and no one wants to be around us, I was like, “Oh my God, you’re right!” I hadn’t put two and two together until that point, but it suddenly made so much sense and scared me straight.
So here’s the thing, how do we become more positive? I feel like my entire life has been focused on negativity, because my entire family is really negative. It’s not really normal for me to act like everything is great and be accepting of everyone because I’ve never been brought up with that mindset. But the point is, I’m 30 now and I need to be my own person. I’m not trying to blame it on my family, I’m more just trying to recognize where this impulse comes from so I can deal with it.
I think the most important thing for us to become healthier, more positive people is to get out and do things, and stop just sitting in the house and stewing in our own bitterness. Right now we have nothing good to talk about or focus on, because we don’t do much. So I need to get over my anger towards Old Man Winter and do something besides just laying on the couch under a blanket, waiting for the weather to warm up.
Our time on earth is incredibly and sadly short, and at this point I’ve spent entirely too much of it focusing on the worst parts. So here goes nothing!