re-gain my self-confidence

I just realized the other day that even though I’m trying to be more outwardly positive in general, I’ve maintained the same level of self criticism. That voice in my head is incredibly abusive, and I don’t know why. It sounds corny, but I’ve started to think of it as another person altogether, and in turn I’ve been much better able to just tell her to shut up. Every time I start to think a negative thought about myself, I catch it and say, “Oh wait, it’s just her again, knock it off!”

As a result, I’ve been much happier the past few days. Instead of the usual nasty argumentative inner dialogue, I’ve been saying kind things to myself. And I realize that it makes me feel much more positive toward people in general. Maybe thinking such nasty things about myself has made me feel the need to put everyone else down too, in an effort to boost my self esteem. Or maybe I just convinced myself that other people were thinking bad things about me and it made me be less kind in turn.

So I’ve been feeling really good about myself, and trying to develop more of a can-do attitude. I also wrote this letter to the other me:

Dear Little Invisible Jerk Who Sits on My Shoulder,

You are such a jerk. You sit there all day and whisper such terrible things into my ear. What do you gain by telling me that I’m a loser and I’ll never amount to anything? Where do you come up with all this stuff about me wasting my life? You don’t know anything. And I am so NOT fat, so stop telling me that I am. Don’t you know that it’s you that’s ruining my life? It’s so hard to do anything good and productive with my time when I have you yelling at me constantly.

And where the hell is that other guy who’s supposed to be sitting on my other shoulder? Did he hand in his resignation or something? He must have just gotten sick of competing for attention with a loudmouth like you. I think I’m going to hire him back at an increased salary. I never realized what a valuable employee he was.

In any event, you need to shut your nasty mouth and stop talking trash on me. Most of your statements are entirely unfounded and if lawyers weren’t so expensive I’d sue you for slander.

The bottom line is, you’ve stood in my way long enough with all your naysaying, and I’m officially knocking you off my shoulder. I don’t know where you came from or when you got so loud, but enough is enough, and you’re gone.

Sincerely,
That girl whose head you sit next to

In the past few years, my self confidence has taken a nose-dive. I’m not really sure what the problem is. It’s basically rooted in my upbringing, and my relationships have never helped much. It feels like it’s coming to a head now, and I’m starting to feel like as though I’m on the verge of becoming a recluse because of it. I’ve always attributed a lot of it to my weight, although you’d laugh if you saw me, because even I know that I’m not very overweight at all – as of today I have 12 pounds to lose, so I’m by no means obese. I’m just not comfortable in my own skin anymore, although I’m not sure I ever was. I’ve become convinced that no one likes me, that I’m awkward with people and that I’m not good at anything, and I think that serves as a self-fulfiliing prophesy.

I’m not quite sure how to turn these feelings around. Trying new things is probably a good idea. I’ve become entrenched in my comfort zone in every aspect of my life, and I can’t seem to push myself to do anything outside of it. I feel so afraid and certain of failure that I don’t do anything. I’m always amazed by people around me who are so confident, they think they can do everything, and I wind up being jealous and spiteful. I wasn’t really brought up to push myself, my family has always been devoted to the status quo of what’s an acceptable way to live your life, and in a way my family has always been very critical of people who do unusual things, so it’s sort of ingrained in me to be afraid of that, because I know I’ll be ostracized.

I’ve also been considering therapy, although that in itself is intimidating. I think I need to find something somewhat small that I’m intimidated by, and force myself to do it. Working through some of these 43 things probably wouldn’t be a bad idea either. They all stare me in the face taunting me, and I think deep down I sincerely feel that I’m incapable of doing most of them.