I had two small episodes within a few minutes of each other yesterday which really brought home the fact that this is a huge issue for me.
1. I took the subway to work yesterday and walked from the station. Halfway through the walk I looked at my phone and saw I’d had a text message and a bunch of missed calls. The day before I had asked a coworker who lives in my neighborhood if he could give me a ride. We went back and forth about it and in the end I said, “Nah, actually, don’t worry about it, I like taking the subway, so nevermind.” I should also mention that we were sitting at our desks and talking over a divider, which is critical to the story. Well apparently he thought we had left it as me still needing a ride, and had been trying to get in touch with me. I called him right away and said, “No, I said I DIDN’T need a ride!” He said he thought we left it the other way, and then we laughed and he said “No worries.” But I felt so terrible. It was a simple misunderstanding that honestly wasn’t my fault, and yet I felt so guilty. I was embarrassed that maybe he had been sitting around his house waiting for me to get back to him, and that maybe he had been late to work as a result.
2. Only a minute later I was about to cross a street and saw that a car was going to make a left onto the street I was crossing so I waited. When I looked over, it was another coworker of mine and she waved to me and motioned for me to cross. When I got to the other side I stopped and turned around, thinking maybe she would stop and say something to me, maybe ask me if I wanted a ride. Instead she just waved again and kept going, and I felt so awkward for having stopped. I was embarrassed that maybe she thought that I expected her to give me a ride, which I didn’t. I got embarrassed at the thought that she would think me presumptuous enough to expect her to stop for me. I had a moment of getting completely wound up and upset with myself.
Why on earth would such silly things become such a big deal in my head?? Why is my life like one long episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, with me analyzing every little interaction to death, and running everything through my head over and over again?
Being hard on myself really affects every area of my life, and is crippling me. I don’t think I can do anything well, at work I get ridiculously embarrassed and upset when I make a mistake, or when I have to get several emails from people reminding me to do something (despite the fact that I know I haven’t forgotten, I’ve just been too busy to get it done), it makes me dress frumpy and be socially awkward because I think I must come off as such a nerd to everyone. It makes me feel like I can’t ever quit this job because I will never find another one, and above all it makes me feel like I will never really be able to lead a fulfilling life, because I don’t have the talent.
So I’m going to work on this!
