help my mother get through her disability

I have been so busy with work and as a result, I’ve also been very cranky and impatient. Weekends come and I hardly want to go anywhere. This morning, my mom asked me to take her to the mall that has just opened a couple months ago. Seriously, I did not want to go. 1. It’s more than an hour away and it’s right in the heart of Bangkok, traffic is always a nightmare and 2. It’s just me and my mom in a wheelchair, I didn’t feel like we had to go there just to “go to the mall”. Any mall would do.

I guess I made it too obvious and I didn’t want to go. I agreed to take her out though, but with an attitude.

I felt a bit guilty 10 minutes after we got in the car. She was quiet and so was I. Then I tried to start a conversation. She spoke but turned her face to make it look like she looked out the window and I could just tell that she was crying. She didn’t want me to see it.

I know it’s too late for an apology and now I’m left with this guilt I do not know if I could make it up to her. I thought I was close to achieve this goal, but I guess i was wrong.

I almost feel bad thinking how tired it is to ‘have to’ be there for my mom all the time. It’s not that I do not want to do it. I love my mom but…

I don’t even know how to tell my boyfriend is in another country that I can’t make a decision to marry him yet because I don’t know if I’ll ever have the guts to leave my mom unattended.

The truth is, I feel guilty when I go places alone to relax and have fun, which, I rarely do that. But I used to be able to do that when I was living by myself abroad and I miss that so much. Now, I feel obligated and I feel so bad that I even think like that. I am so so so horrible.