Beat my depression

I wish I could say that I had a phenomenal, life-defining moment, where my happiness just fell into place, but I can’t. What I can say is that I am not depressed anymore.

The two best things I’ve done this year: letting go of my relationship with G, and admitting that medication is necessary at this point in my life. I was slowly choking when G and I were together, caught in an awful cycle of insecurity and self-depracation. We’ve only been apart two months, but it’s like the clouds have instantly parted. I am relishing being by myself and for myself. The sense of freedom is exhilerating.

As for the medication, if there is anyone out there reading this who is churned up about whether or not to give pills a try, I cannot recommend it strongly enough. I sometimes struggle with the feeling that I’m yielding control of my head to a little white tablet (and believe me, if anyone has control issues, it’s me!), but that’s not what it is at all. It takes more gumption to admit that you’re in need of something to supplement your efforts than it does to keep on getting sucked down into dark waters.

Done.

So, I didn’t do everything that I had planned for last week (most notably, the exercising and the body scan – I was perhaps a bit too ambitious with this). But hey, that’s ok. The important thing is that I feel more aware of myself, and I have started to notice the bodily changes (especially the sensations in my chest) that radiate out when I’m tuned in to an anxiety frequency.

I’ve taken some really good steps. Have remembered my medication every day, have said quite a few affirmations, and am in the process of developing a much more healthy, less controlling mindset re my relationship with G. Part of this stemmed from a really eye-opening discussion with mum about separation anxiety, and how she also suffers from it. I’m letting myself realise that it’s ok if I’m not around him – he loves me, and our relationship connects us even when we’re not together. Smile.

• repeat first week of The Mindful Way programme, taking time out to do the body scan.
• go for an exploratory walk outside three times.
• get to the gym twice.
• do two Pilates videos daily.
• practice affirmations twice a day.
• continuing good work with medication.
• give myself space to relax and chill out.

Screw the appointments and the must-dos and everything else that I prioritize before taking care of my mental health. Depression and anxiety have been plaguing me for too long, and I am going to shoo them from my life, starting today. _{And, by god, if they don’t leave gracefully, I’ll get them with the first semi-automatic weapon I can get my hands on}.

This week is Week One. It’s about gently easing myself into a lifestyle that is conducive to happiness.

• I’ll begin the first stage of the programme outlined in The Mindful Way. This involves doing the body scan, and taking time to be aware of myself and my surroundings.
• I’ll repeat my positive affirmations to myself (without chortling) in the morning, at lunch and before I go to bed (and whenever else I need them).
• I’ll sit outside in the sun for 15 minutes a day.
• I’ll go to Bikram yoga once.
• I’ll take one spin class.
• I’ll remember to take my medication everyday.

And I will check back in at the end of the week to see what’s been going on.

It has been a bit doom and gloomy in my corner of the universe for the last few days.

The Mindful Way is a fantastic book, but it’s simply not going to enable me to move through this by itself. I need a sustained, focused multi-pronged approach that results in a lifestyle change for me. I also need to be aware of the fact that this is a slow journey and I will stumble. When that happens, I’m going to find the strength to pick myself back up and ask for help doing that if I need to.

THE PLAN:
Medication – I finally grew some and went to the doctor yesterday. Am now taking Aropax.
Sunshine – apparently it helps put a smile on your face. 15 minutes sans sunscreen per day.
Mood journal – something to carry with me and vent into.
Positive affirmations – to be said to self (and believed by self) morning, noon and night.
Exercise – I’ve been in the kid’s corner with this, and I want to move into the grown up zone. I’m thinking spin classes three times a week while my membership lasts, and after that a return to CT5K. Also, light arm weights everyday using the Pilates sculpt video.
Meditation and awareness – begin The Mindful Way programme.
CBT – I have an appointment with a counsellor for next Wednesday, and I’m going to ask her for some techniques that I can self-practice.
Fun – silly things whenever I want to do them.
Diet – lots of water. Lots of good, healthy fruit and vegetables. Nourishing myself correctly has to be a priority.

I know this plan sounds rather ambitious, but I like to map the way ahead. I’m going to break things down weekly and set mini-goals for each week. If I don’t achieve everything I want to, then that’s ok, too, because the last thing I want is for anything perceived as a “failure” to implement this to weigh me down further.