journal daily

Yesterday, during a phone conversation with P, I had one of those flood-of-tension-chest-tightening-shit-shit-shit experiences. It was more drawn out than I would have liked, but the conversation ended with him saying he would call me back in half an hour.

I sat down and cracked open my journal, and literally poured myself onto the pages. It’s exciting how quickly I can get perspective and find the next step forward when the words are there in front of me, rather than twisting around themselves like a big pit of snakes, all complicated, inside my head.

After that, I was able to talk him through how I feel in situations like that, in a way that was crystal clear to him. And we both said thank you, him for listening, and me for sharing, and then hung up that much stronger and closer – all because I was able to calm myself down, change my mindset from sullen and attacked to introspective and reflective, and then communicate that back to him.

C – in the future, remember this. You like words, and you can use them to make yourself feel better and clearer.

Because I feel as if I have been latent in my memories for too long. There is something disturbing to me about not being able to remember who I was three years ago, or the way I felt when I was with a particular person or doing a particular thing.

Without meaning to sound like I’m psychobabbling, I think I’ve inadvertently suppressed a lot of things that have happened in the past, especially during my final years at home when my parents’ marriage was on the rocks and I was feeling strangled and suffocated.

I’d also like to be able to see the patterns in my life at the moment. The idea of having a record of my existence, of each day as a special thing unto itself, deserving of being thought about and written about, makes me feel good. It can only foster awareness about myself, and I want a huge helping of that at the moment.

Now, I need to find an appropriate journal. I have a moleksine notebook, but it has a few pages of other assorted ramblings in it, and I would very much like to make a fresh start. I will commence looking for one when I next get paid.