be anorexic

i’m glad i finally hit a weight that my body is happy at. for the longest time i was stuck at 110 pounds, eating whatever i wanted whenever. now i’ve been at 105 eating whatever i want so im pretty damn satisfied. it takes so long for me to lose pounds since i’m always sick which makes it hard for me to find time or energy to exercise. dance practice twice a week helps a lot too. ive gotten a lot of compliments from people at school and my mom’s friends about it so i’m happy about that. my mom is the only person that wont get off always worrying about how thin i am. but i dont see me really thin. even though i enjoy how i look now, the weight im at is never good enough. i’m definately not as weight obsessed as i was a few months ago but i still want to lose more. its an addiction.

i have limited internet access now so it’s pretty hard for me to reach out to anyone [or get anyone to reach out to me] on this site these days. but when i get the chance, i do update. it seems my depression has gotten better. i havn’t cut in…well- i dont remember [a long time]. so i guess thats a good thing. but my depression is on and off like crazy. i’m trying so hard to get away from all of it but its seems like everytime i’m away from it all, it grabs me when i least expect it. in all of this my weight changes like crazy. within a few days i’ll go from 106-110 and then back down to 105 in no time at all. so, as you can imagine, i have my bad ugly mirror days, then just the plain old bad days. but for now, just some advice to those girls who are really desperate to lose weight…please stop trying to make yourself throw up. and fasting is one thing can make you lose [water weight….and a little more] but it wont last long. fasting isn’t as effective as counting calories and working out. dont starve your bodies… just practice controlling your cravings for all the icky foods high in calories. i know how hard that is. it took me a whole month just to control my own cravings. that’s a whole 31 days of me failing…one day after another…binge…1000cals+ a day. i didnt think i’d ever control myself. but now i do. i eat-when I want to. and i dont eat when i dont want to. when i do, i dont feel bad. i just go out and excercise. just, stop starving yourselves. i know the site says be anorexic…something we all think we want when we make our first visit, but truly, its just to lose weight—>which calls for DIETING. wanting to be diagnosed with anorexia is asking for your hair to fall out, and asking for your body to shut down, asking to be hospitalized. just really think about what you really want.
hmm…
ok…done with my rant. ;) i just care, is all.
xo

even though its been a while since i posted that i got down to 110lbs…i havnt lost a lot of weight since. i’m 107lbs now…only 3 away from my second goal. the 3 lbs i did lose isnt much but i think thats good for being on a week of thanksgiving break. i didnt binge once. =) i dont even have food cravings anymore. i dont eat all day basically because i’m never hungry. but i do eat sometimes at dinner, but just something small because it’s all i really have room in my stomach for. i wish i could give you all some tips on not binging and all that, but i really wouldnt know what to tell you. i suffer from depression so i most always lose my apetite. its not really something you’d want to get into. but i do wish lots of luck to all of you.
xo

ok i hit, 110. i sooo hope i can have enough control to stay this way…wow i just read that over and realized it sounded pretty stupid. “i hope i can have enough control..” so it seems i dont have control over my own life? lame. forget that. i have control of myself. i am my own person. i make my decisions. jeez i never realized…for so long i had been making myself feel horrible…coming home and writing in my journal about how i binged and i couldnt help it…how i had no control. i think it’s finally hit me.

i’m at a steady 111 lbs and plan to stay that way this time, if not lose more. its mid day and all i’ve had is some tea drinks that did have calories but not that many. i’m going to go run for a lil bit and burn at least 500 calories [cuz that’s all the time i have unfortunately] which will definately help me feel better about my day. i used to think that staying under 500 calories was good enough…but these days i feel otherwise. when i consume more than 200 calories i look and feel disgusting. luv 2 u all.
xo

i feel so much better today than i have over this entire past week. my weight fluctuated so much [with my depression and what-not] that im not quite sure exactly how much i lost. all i know is that i’m 111pounds now and that makes me so extremely happy…my first goal weight is 110 so when i make it there i’ll know that i have finally accomplished something. then i’ll set my new goal weight…for some reason its never enough with me. i dont really understand but i just know that i cant feel good unless i’m continually losing. i used to skip breakfast lunch and any snacks because i knew that my parents wanted me to eat dinner with them but now i just have 1veg/fruit for breakfast…100cals or less for lunch…and 100cals or less for dinner and sooo many cups of green tea throughout the day. i really hope the best for all of you…keep your heads up and never give in. gL
xo

i havn’t put an entry on here for a while, mainly because i’m really stressed out about school and my parents. you would think that the stress would make me lose weight and get more depressed and overwhelmed but its done all but make me lose weight. i feel like ive gained so much weight but really i’ve just been stuck at 113lbs these past few days. my mom is out of town so i’m here with my dad and sister who like to eat dinner with the three of us every night. i hate it because its so much food at the end of the day so i feel sick and insecure all the time before bed. i’m still not feeling well but i thought id write anyway

all in all i think i did really well today. especially since we had a big meeting around lunch where i could have eaten sooooo much food, but i didnt! (= i was pretty proud of myself. all ive had today is water and about 400 calories from just drinks. i have dance practice tonight which will burn like 600+ cals. yesssss! plus when it gets cold out…i’m not as hungry. kinda strange. but my cravings kinda just disappear. definate plus. well, gL to all of you.
xo

today i had to help my sister move out of her apartment…my dad and i were pretty much the ‘movers’ so i was moving non-stop all day from her apartment to the public storage place until i came home and had to do chores. i was so busy that all i had time for was a popsicle and some drink that was 100 cals…that i easily burned off just doing my day to day projects. so im definately happy about that. plus i had my dance show on saturday which turned out GREAT. i had such an awesome time (= ...i saw my bf tonight but this time we didn’t go out to eat. we just stayed in and watched some movies. goood stuff. i feel like i’ve definately boosted my metabolism cuz when i do eat i dont feel so ‘blah’. so tomorrow should be just as good because i dont plan on eating breakfast lunch or dinner- just a small snack<70 cals during 3rd period and a small snack<70 cals before my family eats dinner. i still dont have a damn scale at my house so i realllly hope i will be able to weigh myself soon. gL to everyone!!!<3
xo

we got out of school at 1215 today and my best friend wanted me to dye her hair for her so before we made it to her house she stopped for some food. i told her i wasnt hungry but she knew i was lying so she bought me two things to eat. she def. wasnt convinced that i was still full from my “breakfast” that i had and made me eat half of it. sooooo fuullllllll. )= i’m not feeling too well right now but hopefully i can exercise tonight to feel better. hope everythings working out for you girls.