forget about him

It was a little difficult to go to Canterbury last week, because we’d posponed so many times our meeting there… but after a while I wasn’t thinking of him anymore.
and this week I understood something very important. He always said “it’s not that I don’t want to be with you, I just want to be with nobody”. And I felt bad because he was with her, an alcoholic slut, and it made me feel like shit because he’d better be with her than with me… this week I realized he’s got what he has always wanted : he’s with nobody. and he won’t be with me because I’m not nobody. I’m SOMEONE. That’s not something he can deal with.

ps of course, I don’t mean he’s with “Nobody” as in nobodysperfect. Nobodysperfect is obviously somebody, and even a great one !! By the way happy belated birthday Ariane !!

of my new life…
A year without him… There has been a time when I didn’t think it would be possible for me to live without him, and I’m still alive. Perhaps not really happier, but certainly not more unhappy… and free to go on and live my life.

I’ll follow Paola lesson n°1 and call him Stronzo !

Today I received another message from Stronzo. A blank one. A sms with nothing in it. Now I know better than answer and ask about it… I don’t want to know if it’s another technological wonder from his fucking cellphone… or an attempt of communication of Stronzo himself. I must say it’s a very good illustration of Stronzo’s abilities to communicate :-). But I don’t care.

to wish me a happy birthday. He says he hopes I’m fine… and at the end he adds kisses and see you soon… We had no contact since february 18th. I’m happy and afraid.I’d like to answer him, but I fear where that could lead me…

I still worry for him… It means that even if I lost hope and don’t want to be with him anymore, there’s still a part of me that is in love with him. I still want to impress him, to show him how strong I am to be able to go on well without him.
I still have to work on this goal, or let time work for me.

My feet had changed direction sooner than I was conscious it was him in front of me. He was with his family (still slightly hurting for me say so) : his mother, his girlfriend and his daughter (well in fact she’s not, she’s only hers, but he considers her as his child). A few months ago, my heart would have started to beat faster and my whole body to shake. Today I have been able to stay very calm, I simply went another way… Well I must admit I had a look at them from time to time from far away. I think I wanted him to notice me and try to talk to me… just to be able to tell him it was way to late… Perhaps I also wanted him to regret his choices ! I don’t need him anymore. I can live without him. I’ve done so for more 9 months now, and my life has improved since then. I will always regret the one he was when I fell in love more than 5 years ago. I don’t regret the one he is now. I use to regret that I* wasn’t good enough to make him happy. Now I think it’s a pity that *he refuses himself so much the right to be happy. But I know nobody can help him if he doesn’t want to…

Well perhaps I could mark this goal as done, could I ? What do you think, dear subscribers ? I won’t totally forget about him anyway, he will always be an important part of my life, we had such wonderful moments that I don’t have to lose… but I let go the idea that we still could be together now.

I’m still thinking of him sometimes, but it doesn’t hurt, or almost not… It’s more nostalgia than pain now… But I’m still afraid of how I would react if I met him by chance. Last time it happened, we didn’t talk, we both pretended we hadn’t seen each other. But it’s useless to hope we meet, because I wouldn’t get more explanations, and that’s what I’d like… There is none I suppose. In another way, perhaps I need to meet him to be sure I don’t love him anymore ?

I’m not sure anymore now. I’ve just met my friend Paul, who told me, half ashamed and half exploding in joy, that he was back with his ex-boyfriend, the one who lived “à ses crochets” for months, went away when he found a job, asked to come back when he got fired and so on… Paul told me “I know he’s a fucking bastard, he’ll make me suffer, but I love him”. He knew that I thought he was wrong to do this, he has told me so many times before that he wouldn’t ! And I came to ask myself what I would do, now, after 7 months of total silence, if M. came at my door… It almost made me cry. I don’t know the answer. I thought I was sure to have the strengh now, but it appears I’m still very fragile about M. I know what I should do (I’ve always have, 5 years long…) but I’m not so sure what I would do. Do I still love him ? I’m not even sure of that. Oh it’s so hard !

I’m on my way to it. On february, I finally told him he had to make a choice… No news since that day. It still hurts, but not every minute… I miss him as a lover and also as a friend. It’s hard not to know what is his life now. I’ve accepted (well… almost) the idea that we won’t be together as I wanted so much, but thinking that we will never again be part of the life of the other is still painful