Get out more

Over the weekend, my boyfriend Z (and his roommate M) had a new roommate D move in; so now there are three of them in their house.

The new roommate is someone that both Z, M and I went to high school with; and is someone that both Z and I were good friends with. Z and I also are friends with the new roommate’s girlfriend- who happens to be fellow 43thinger borderchick406. She and I thought that maybe we could all hang out after the move was done, get some food and watch a movie or something.

So, on the day of the move, when they were finished, I went over to their house and we watched the most recent HP. (Poor M hadn’t seen it yet and we kind of talked through it, so I left my copy for him to watch again later lol) We also played fooseball; and by that I mean that everyone else played and I sucked…but that’s okay lol I’ve only played once before in my life so I knew I would be awful, and I got to make the worst player there look good so it wasn’t a total loss.

The best part was that I wasn’t asked “how are you” or “what have you been up to”...which are the two hardest questions for me to field as I almost constantly feel awful (including that day) and I’m not “up to” anything but doctors visits. That’s the one benefit of new roommate’s girlfriend being on 43things; she already knows what’s going on with me and what I’m going through.

Towards the end of the night I was feeling sick and my chest was hurting; so I’m glad that Z was able to read the signs and ended our portion of the night early-ish (midnight) so I wouldn’t feel embarrassed. One of the many reasons that I love him.

Overall, I’m glad I went. I was feeling poorly most of the day, but I pushed myself to go and had a pretty good time. Everyone was kind, and I think I heard M talk more than I’ve heard in a long time.
_{Afterward, and even now, I’m feeling incredibly insecure about it though…I’m surprised at how different I am now from a few years ago and find myself to be someone I wouldn’t want to be around. I’m sure it’s all in my own head though as no one else seemed put off by me.}

I realized later that night when I was telling a friend that I went out that it’s been years since I’ve been out with anyone for any extended period of time. I hadn’t seen new roommate and his girlfriend in almost four years and I haven’t ‘hung out’ with anyone in close to three years. YEARS.

It was a big deal (for me).

Guess what? It was 60 degrees today!!

I decided, I’m going to go for a drive. So I took the packages we were sending; one to my sister- Easter stuff, and one to my grandma- cookies for my grandpa’s funeral. I then went for a long drive around our town with the windows wide open. I drove down some old routes I used to take years ago. Thanks to my OCD, my brain kept bringing up my ex, so I drove by his street. (Not his house, mind you…just the street.) Which is always interesting and helpful…not that I want to remember painful things, but passing that street sure shut my brain up (lol).

_{Passing that street reminds me of one night: the night he told me he felt absolutely nothing for me (I later found out it’s because he was cheating…and clearly a lie seeing as he’s repeatedly come back to find me), and I told him I couldn’t take him treating me so poorly and I left. He stood in the middle of the street in the dark and watched me go…it was very movie-esque. Later he told me that broke his heart, I’m sure that’s another BS line from him…but part of me hopes it’s true and he suffered just a little bit.}

Then I went to Rite Aid to get a blood pressure monitor because the cardiologist wants me to start taking my own pressures twice a day. They didn’t have any…but I did have an interesting experience. I ran into an old boss of mine from 7 years ago! He’s now the manager of Rite Aid. So we had a nice long talk and caught up a little bit…it was nice.

Then I went to the grocery store and got all aggravated over my pills and my health insurance.

(But on the positive, Lactaid is on sale this week so I bought a big container of it. I’m so glad I found it…I’m a huge milk lover, and I need to keep my calcium up, so I’m very happy to be able to drink milk again. I also bought fresh, hot-from-the-oven, french bread to have with our beef stew tonight. Yum.)
_{Oh and I bought potato chips as a tiny consolation prize to myself. Two flavors: Sour cream and cheddar, and new buffalo wing flavor. I haven’t had a sour cream and cheddar chip in ages…they kill me, but to hell with it, I wanted them.)}

Every now and then, my mom and I like to go to the psychic fair when it comes to town. We tried it a couple of years ago for fun, and the woman we went to knew things about us that were downright scary. Personal stuff. (abuse from my father, family estrangement, my profession, etc.)

I’m not saying I’m a ‘believer’, and I don’t plan my life by what she says, but it’s interesting to me and good fun to go every now and then to see what she says.

Given the stuff going on in my life lately, I thought- why not?

• I’ve been suffering from severe health issues lately, but I’m going to be going to a lot of new doctors; including a specialist in my condition. The doctors will be requiring a lot of medical testing, but they will be able to at least provide me some relief. Also, POTS isn’t my only health concern…there’s something else wrong in addition to it, or possibly a misdiagnosis about something, but the doctors will find it and fix it.

  I did just find a specialist in my condition, and I am going to be seeing a lot of new doctors in the near future while trying to find someone to help and a new GP. I’m bummed about the testing, but not surprised…all new doctors require their own tests, and because the POTS specialist is a neurologist, I expect more testing. I’m also a little concerned about the prospect of another health issue- don’t I have enough of them?! She actually told both my mom and me (we went at different times) that she sees this being the case so we’ll see. Even if it’s true, she said (again to both of us) that the doctors are going to be able to help me. It’s enough to give me some hope to push through this.

  As a sidenote: my mom think the other ‘health issue’ could be my appendix. We’ve been wondering if it’s been misdiagnosed and was really ovarian cysts because I’ve still had a lot of pain so it could be that. (Even though my appendix needed to come out, it might have just been a lucky coincidence)

• I have a lot of decisions to make and am feeling overwhelmed. Both schools I applied to are going to want me in their programs and I’m going to finally have luck getting a job, not immediately but, by the summer.

  Hallelujah. I’ve only been job searching for almost two years, it’s about time I catch a break. She’s right about having a lot of choices to make and feeling overwhelmed…I’ve been weeding through lists of doctors and school programs heavily for a month now, and am exactly that: overwhelmed. I’m encouraged that she thinks I’ll get into the programs I want… highly doubt it will ‘come true’ but it’s nice to feel a little positive about it for now!

• My boyfriend will be graduating from college in a year, and we’ll get engaged after that, but I’ll be the one having reservations about actually getting married. We’ll definitely be committed and he’s ‘the one’ I’ll be with, but I’m just not sure about marriage but eventually we’ll get married.

  My boyfriend graduates in exactly a year! I was a little bummed that I would be holding up the works, but my boyfriend reminded me that she’s right, I’ve often wondered if I want to get married at all…which my boyfriend knows and is okay with. In his (and my) mind…we’re committed to each other and maybe we’ll get there so we’ll see. Plus, we don’t want to get married until things are more stable and I’m more adamant on that than he is.

  I know, I know…a psychic telling you someone is ‘the one’...would she tell you otherwise? I say yes, because she’s told my sister before that her last relationship would end, and exactly how it would end and gave her the ‘specs’ of the guy she’s going to be with. Eventually her relationship did end (despite their best efforts) and over a year later, the guy she’s with now is a lot like the psychic described almost two years ago. (my sister doesn’t remember that, but I do. I won’t tell her though lol)

• My boyfriend/husband and I are going to have two kids, close in age, possibly twins; but they probably won’t be my own.

  This is something I’ve written about several times here and is one of my fears. She said with my condition, pregnancies are high risk (yep) and we may have to adopt or foster children. It was slightly disheartening, but not surprising…I’m going this week to ask about it, so a little spooky.

• There are big problems with my boyfriend’s siblings, one of them will straighten out, the other one won’t in the foreseeable future. She doesn’t see her being around. (Not dead, but either ditching town or something like that). I’ll also be getting closer to my boyfriend’s mom because she likes me, thinks I’m good for her son, and will want to ‘adopt’ me as the daughter she wishes she had. This relationship may cause jealousy issues from her biological daughters.

  When I told him this, the first words out of my boyfriend’s mouth were “I can totally see this.” Right before I saw the psychic, my boyfriend had sent me a text message saying that there was another huge problem with one of his sisters and this one was very serious. He wouldn’t tell me what it was until I saw him later. (it’s his family’s business and out of respect for them I won’t share…let’s just say it’s illegal and could have cost her her life. She’s been in ‘rehab’ and just completed it last week, yet has moved on to something else AND escalated.)

  Anyways, his mom and I don’t always get along, but I’m working on that. She’s pushy and nosy into my health stuff because she’s a nurse and it makes me uncomfortable, but I’m trying to make a better effort- it’s even a goal on my list! I know she likes me though and thinks I’m good for her son and would probably like to have me around more often. She’s told me as much herself lol

  My boyfriend, and his parents, also think I would be a good role model for his siblings. Even though I may not seem like much here, I’ve never done drugs, I don’t drink (when I do it’s in moderation, of legal age, and in a responsible manner), I’m good at what I do academically and have high goals/achievements, I’m respectful and am a strong person. In the ‘real world’ I’m told I’m (slightly) impressive.

• I’ll be going on a trip, and not just obligatory family visits.

  Maybe this means I’ll be going with my boyfriend’s family on their vacation this year? They always go somewhere sunny and with a beach, but because of our contentious relationship, I’ve always declined. Who knows, maybe things will improve in the next 6 months and I’ll be going. (They usually go with the cousin that hates me, and his family but this year they’re going without them. So if my boyfriends mom and I have a better relationship, and I have the time, I may just say yes.)

• Random stuff about my second cousin Tyler. It was weird because she mentioned him specifically and also told me about my grandpa passing.

  Spooky about my grandpa’s death, and told my mom specific things about my grandpa and from her childhood. It must have been accurate because my mom started crying and that’s never happened before.

So…some positive, some negative. I will get some help, I’ll get into school, I’ll be successful…but I may not have my own children, and there could be something else wrong too.

It’ll be interesting to see if/how some of it pans out

Even though I felt absolutely awful today, I decided to bite the bullet and run some small errands today. Yeah, it was only to Hallmark and to Rite Aid…and, yes, I was only gone for an hour…but it took a lot of pushing to get through that hour and I made myself do it. So, nonetheless, I’m proud of those small errands because I could easily have just given in to feeling awful and just stayed home and in bed.

I know, you all have just been on tenterhooks wondering how my trip went right? (kidding!)

To sum it up: much better than I thought!

Drive down: I was concerned about my POTS and how the drive would be, and it really turned out to be much better than I could have hoped for. I made it through 18 of the 19 hour trip down without being sick. Only the last hour was very rough, but I think that may have been something that I ate because I felt sick for quite a while and my POTS is usually a quick on/off thing.
_{As a side note, when I was in the hospital for my appendix the first time (in December) I wasn’t allowed to eat for 48 hours. On the t.v. I saw the commercial for Wendy’s ‘all natural’ new fries about a THOUSAND times. It was torture, and I decided I needed them when I got out. I never had them…until we were on the road. Finally, I got them after 3 months! Unfortunately, they’re what made me sick…but at least I got to fulfill that little ‘dream’ lol!}

While we were in Florida: my POTS was perfect. Seriously, I felt better there for four days than I have in over a year. I ate three square meals a day and got up and out every single day. I was able to get up and go when I wanted to, and spend time away from the house. I was also able to eat some things that I normally can’t tolerate (that my grandma made and I was too polite to tell her it would normally make me sick) and I wasn’t sick once! Not. Once.

Some moments were tough: My grandma is depressed (understandably) and had rough moments, but we got through them. It was definitely weird being in the house without my grandpa. But there were some good moments too. We got my grandma to laugh a bit, and did stuff for her that she needed. She got to tell us stories, and I watched one of her favorite movies with her.

A funnyish story: On our second last day there, my boyfriend totally OD’d on coffee. It made him kind of sick and threw his sinuses out of whack. So, that night, he took some actifed and went to bed.
While in bed, he was yelling out, so I went to check on him (we had separate rooms) and when I went to wake him up he said “I want some oodles of noodles! Get me the manager!” then he punched me LOL! Totally by accident, and he was still asleep at the time but I didn’t see it coming at all. This is actually why my sister can’t take actifed, it gave her nightmares and she would act them out (punch things etc) so it just made me laugh and he will never be taking it again!

On the way home: I felt great. Again, until hour 18. Although, this time it was (more or less) my boyfriend’s ‘fault’. We stopped at the one rest stop and he took forever. He was fine, but it just took him a long time and it gave me a panic attack. One of those full-out ones that I haven’t had in a long time. I calmed down as best as I could (thankfully, I can bring myself back from one 99.9% of the time) and we made it home safe and sound.
_{He told me he thought about letting me know he might be a while so I wouldn’t freak out, and he forgot…and sure enough I freaked lol Does he know me or what?}

(Unfortunately, for him, he got food poisoning for something and has been sick for the last two days since. Fortunately for me, I didn’t eat the same thing that made him sick.)

Overall, I’m extremely pleased with how this trip went. I traveled out of my (current) comfort zones for HOURS and did very well; even my boyfriend was impressed. I was able to do what needed to be done and it was a much more pleasant experience than I thought it would be…we even stole away to the world’s smallest beach and had a virgin strawberry daiquiri.

What can I say? I’m pleasantly surprised and pleased. :)

P.S. It was 75 and sunny every.freaking.day. I was in heaven.

I’m quite looking forward to this trip! Even though it’s not really a vacation, it’ll be nice to be somewhere 40 degrees warmer than home, with a chance for some sunshine too!

After everything going on lately…any change of pace will be welcome!

I’m debating, once this trip is over with, whether or not I’m going to mark this goal as complete.

This trip really is the biggest test of my ability to get out. I’ll be in a car, away from any kind of ‘home base’ for almost an entire day going down and another day coming back. While I’m in Florida, I’ll have to get out and take my grandma to fill out the paperwork and the funeral stuff. We’ll have to go out to eat and run other errands and to do anything else (if we would make it to the beach for instance).

It’s going to be a huge test for me in many ways…so, I’m wondering…if/when I complete this trip, should I mark this goal as complete too?

As we’re leaving in just under a week, I have a lot of stuff to get done. So, I decided to jump in head first and get a move on bright and early today. It helped that we have clear, beautiful blue skies and the shining sun!

• Doctor’s…had to get my follow up testing done.
• Barnes and Noble…needed some books for the trip!
  _{(Oh, how I’m dreaming of 70 degree weather!)}
  While I was there, I also found a super cute mug and treated myself, and my mom, to a mini cup of tiramisu.
• Bank…had a sizable check that will help with the cost of the trip.
• Kohl’s…Last summer I finally grew out of my capris, and seeing as it should be in the 60s and 70s in Florida, I wanted to get another pair; especially if we get a chance to walk the beach. While I was there, I found this dress (in the picture!) I’d tried on a very similar one months ago but they didn’t have my size, so when I saw this one, I pounced on it! Yeah, it was $42 on sale, but it was worth it. It’s very…classic, I think. :)

Seeing as I haven’t been out of the house in two weeks, I decided to go out to preserve my sanity.

I had $10 in ‘Kohl’s Cash” which is basically free money I’ve earned by shopping there before. Ended up only having to pay tax on the item I purchased.

I also needed more postcards for PostCrossing, so I went and bought that. I also bought an anniversary card for my upcoming anniversary in April. When I was there, I found a very adorable sweet stuffed animal buffalo that I’m going to send my sister to remind her of home. (It’s actually a highland cow, but she won’t know the difference)

On my way home, I remembered how down my mom has been lately. She just got back from seeing her mom and picking up her dad’s ashes. This was also the first year my dad didn’t send her Valentine’s flowers. (They’ve been divorced for years, but we’ve all always stayed close and he’s sent them every year.) My sister and I both received flowers from out significant others so she felt a little forgotten.

So, on a whim, I stopped at a local florist and had them make a bouquet for her. Carnations and yellow daisies. Daisies always make me feel better, so why not get them for her. It made her day.

On a separate, and funny note, I asked the florist if they take special orders…she asked me if I meant for my wedding (the ring I have looks somewhat like an engagement ring)...it was a nice laugh

I took a semester off because I really wasn’t healthy enough to stay in school, but I’m looking into starting again.

My college has added a new option to their Master’s program that I’m looking into. I’m also thinking of applying to a PhD program in the area that is a 4-6 year program that combines your Masters and PhD into one program.

If not, I need to start searching out of the area colleges for a Master’s program because what I want/need isn’t offered.

I’d like to stay in the area at least until my boyfriend finishes his degree, so it’s worth a shot right?